Tips on Dealing with DD and Nephew
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Anonymous
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I've been fortunate to have great in-laws. DH has one sister with one 5 year old son, "Jack". Every summer, we go on a beach vacation with DH's parents and sister's family. We now have a 10 month old, so this will be our first time on the trip with a kid.
I was looking forward to the trip until our most recent stay at MIL and FIL's house. MIL and FIL care for Jack very frequently, and when Jack's parents are around, they take the time to relax, go out, and generally abdicate all parenting to the grandparents. I have no problem with this - this is normal in my family of origin as well. Last time we visited was kind of a disaster. Jack would grab baby toys from DD, jump and tumble very close to her on purpose, smack her hand away when she reached for something of his (MIL and I were right there and would not have let DD touch any of the "big boy" toys). When MIL verbally reprimanded him about any of this, very gently and reasonably, he would throw tantrums and scream things like "You just hate me and I hate you!" The last time Jack and DD spent time together, she wasn't yet as mobile or active as she is now. I'd like to hear from anyone who has dealt with this situation. I don't feel comfortable disciplining Jack in any way, so my "solution" is to remove DD or stay on top of her. But Jack won't leave her/us alone. I took DD to the bedroom for a nap, and asked him to go back to grandma because it was nap time. He threw a fit. I'm worried about the upcoming beach trip, because the area isn't conducive to taking DD for long walks in a stroller or otherwise doing our own thing, although I'm looking into nearby places we can take her. MIL expects her grandkids to spend most of the time with her while the parents have fun. Any tips? Is his normal for a 5 year old? It seems like more normal behavior for a 3 year old to me, but ultimately it doesn't matter. I need practical advice. FWIW Jack is a healthy, average kid who attends school with no problems there. |
Anonymous
| You are ABSOLUTELY within your moral rights to discipline ANY child who is not yours when they are hurting your child, about to hurt your child, or taking things from your child. |
Anonymous
| Discipline him as you see fit. We had the same issue with our nephew - being way too rough around the baby, grabbing toys away, screaming in her face, generally acting like a total brat. My SIL and BIL did nothing on our beach vacation when this happened, so I told the five-year old what I would have told my own child had they been the one acting like that. He pouted, screamed, complained, said he hated me, whatever. My MIL and FIL stepped in and reinforced what I said so that he got no sympathy from anyone (since his parents were on their phones and ignoring him like usual). |
Anonymous
| It sounds like he's jealous and worried about his status in the family, but interested in the baby at the same time. Of course, that doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants, but I'm wondering if you were able to find a few things to do with him with the baby, as well as ask him to help you "teach" the baby things that maybe he'd settle down? For example, bring a couple of books that he might like and read to him and the baby for a bit. Also, play up that he's a big boy and enlist his help in other ways. And, absolutely let him know that he needs to be gentle with the baby, but, again, try to use the tact that he's so much stronger and bigger, so he needs to protect the baby. |
Anonymous
PP again-I forgot to say to try to be proactive and enlist him as an ally from the start. For example, when you get there, pull him aside and appeal to his sense of being a big boy and ask if he'll help you. Then, for example, when it's baby's nap time, tell him it's time for baby's nap, could he get the diapers and wipes so you can change the baby and then help read a story (or whatever you might need help with). And, ask if you guys can play a quick game or do something else fun (but short) during the nap. I know all this will take some work, but I think you can turn it around and things will be much better and easier going forward, plus you'll hopefully help form a relationship for the cousins. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the PP who mentioned jealousy. He's not used to sharing Grandma.
I think you need a carrot and stick approach here. Do like the PP suggested to enlist his help, appeal to his "big boy" pride, but also be ready to intervene as needed, including walking him over to his parents or the grandparents and saying he needs some space from your kid right now. |
Anonymous
Sounds like the dynamic in our family. And this jumped out at me:
I'm guessing they frequently abdicate their parenting responsibility and very rarely actively parent him, let alone in any positive way. Am I right? So, in my family, this has resulted in a nephew (age 7) who acts out for attention in any way he can get it, is INSANELY jealous of my baby because grandpa (who is not local) is one of the few people who actively pays positive attention to him and now grandpa is dividing his attention between two grandchildren, and me feeling very nervous any time nephew is around baby because he gets in baby's face, isn't the slightest bit careful, etc. (and I'm not generally a worry wart mom. I mean, I let my kid chew on the table at a restaurant today during lunch.) It's exhausting and frustrating. I intervene A LOT. If SIL doesn't want to parent her kid, I will, and without hesitation, because his behavior can have a direct impact on my kid. I don't tolerate his bad behavior. I do not allow him to get aggressive with baby. I praise the heck out of him when he does something appropriately. I suggest fun things we can do with baby. I remind myself it's not really his fault that his mother sucks at/refuses to parent. I try my best to shower him with love and guidance that he doesn't get at home. That doesn't mean there aren't days that I struggle. But I set boundaries, enforce them, and PRAISE PRASE PRAISE for making good decisions and appropriate behavior. |
Anonymous
I think we have the same SIL and nephew... I admit, you're better than I am at handling it, because I don't excessively praise him (this is after years of the nephew being a total brat - the younger cousins certainly weren't the first trigger - so I think I'm just worn out by him). But I will try to think of things in that light next time we're together. |
Anonymous
It's only because I spent years teaching preschool that I feel remotely equipped to deal with my nephew. "There are no bad kids" and all that. And even then, sometimes I just snap. (I mean, I've said 7 times in the last 5 minutes not to get right in the baby's face!) It hard. Keep reminding yourself that the poor behavior stems from poor parenting, he isn't inherently "bad." And then cut yourself some slack because raising kids is hard, having to compensate for shitty parenting by others sucks donkey balls, and your first priority is protecting your kid. |
Anonymous
| I have nieces and nephews like this. The parents basically don't parent them or discipline them ever and dump them on the grandparents all the time. It's not the kids' fault that their parents are irresponsible and lazy. But that doesn't mean they get a free pass and get to run wild and be rude or harmful either. So, when we are together and they are around my kids, I discipline and guide them just like I do with my own kids. So far, my brother- and sister-in-law (their parents) have not said anything to me about it. And I wouldn't care if they did. |
Anonymous
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It's not abnormal behavior for a 5 year old. 5 is still really young, especially when they aren't used to sharing attention. They still need guidance and modeling.
Give him things to do with the baby- and not just be the diaper fetcher. Show him games he can play with the baby- point out if he makes her laugh. 5 year olds love to be jokesters so he'll love an easily amused audience. It's going to be hard but try to relax when he interacts with her don't act like his every move is going to hurt her. Realize he doesn't want to interact with her at all times, while you and grandma might think it's cute she's trying to play with him, in his view she's being a pest. So move her away and don't let her bug him. If you can try to carve out some special time just for you and him, he probably misses his auntie. |
Anonymous
| Just wanted to add that it seems pretty normal behaviour for a 5 yr. old. I remember being freaked out when my 10 month old was around my 5 yr old nephews. They would push her in the baby swing way too hard and rough house constantly. It was exhausting. A couple years later when all the kids were older, everything was great. My nephews are now teenagers and really wonderful to be around. |
Anonymous
Thanks, all the comments have been helpful. Your statement about realizing he doesn't have to interact with her at all times is kind of the crux of the issue - I'd be much more at ease if he were willing to play in parallel to her. I have no expectations that he be required to play with her at all, but he won't leave her alone unless I physically remove her. What bugs me the most is when he is aggressive or tantrum-throwing over toys that are seriously just for infants (teething rings and the like). I absolutely intervene if I think DD might by physically struck by him - it's the close following and acting out when asked to do something else that I have trouble balancing. |
Anonymous
| 5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler. |
Anonymous
Uh... Jack sounds like a brat. -NP/mom of a 5 year old |