Tips on Dealing with DD and Nephew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler.

Uh... Jack sounds like a brat.

-NP/mom of a 5 year old

Yep, 5 year olds go through a bratty phase. Normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler.

I may be uneducated and unreasonable, but I am definitely not jealous. DH and I have had plenty of relief and support from his parents. I am looking for practical tips on how to get Jack to back off a little bit. He is otherwise a bright and affectionate little boy, but I don't think it's normal for him to be possessive of infant toys or to throw fits when DD is taken away for a nap. Several posters have said this isn't abnormal for 5, so I'm willing to roll with it and hover more than I'm used to hovering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's jealous and worried about his status in the family, but interested in the baby at the same time. Of course, that doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants, but I'm wondering if you were able to find a few things to do with him with the baby, as well as ask him to help you "teach" the baby things that maybe he'd settle down? For example, bring a couple of books that he might like and read to him and the baby for a bit. Also, play up that he's a big boy and enlist his help in other ways. And, absolutely let him know that he needs to be gentle with the baby, but, again, try to use the tact that he's so much stronger and bigger, so he needs to protect the baby.

PP again-I forgot to say to try to be proactive and enlist him as an ally from the start. For example, when you get there, pull him aside and appeal to his sense of being a big boy and ask if he'll help you. Then, for example, when it's baby's nap time, tell him it's time for baby's nap, could he get the diapers and wipes so you can change the baby and then help read a story (or whatever you might need help with). And, ask if you guys can play a quick game or do something else fun (but short) during the nap. I know all this will take some work, but I think you can turn it around and things will be much better and easier going forward, plus you'll hopefully help form a relationship for the cousins.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler.

I may be uneducated and unreasonable, but I am definitely not jealous. DH and I have had plenty of relief and support from his parents. I am looking for practical tips on how to get Jack to back off a little bit. He is otherwise a bright and affectionate little boy, but I don't think it's normal for him to be possessive of infant toys or to throw fits when DD is taken away for a nap. Several posters have said this isn't abnormal for 5, so I'm willing to roll with it and hover more than I'm used to hovering.

Jack's behavior is totally normal and typical for a 5 year old boy who now has a cousin AND his grandparents spend more time with the cousin than him AND his relationship with his grandparents is threatened. He is expressing his anxiety through his actions because he doesn't have the words to say what he feels and he doesn't even know that he is having the feelings.

You've gotten some good advice from two posters about how to encourage better interactions with Jack. Additionally, you should probably get a book or two that talks about the dynamics of new siblings -- the books don't even have to address cousins but they should give you some insight into Jack and then maybe you can pick up some tactics.

The best thing I can tell you is to be proactive. If you know the baby needs to nurse in 30 minutes and you need privacy then it is best to set up an alternate activity for Jack. If you know you are going to be changing the baby then maybe you can think about how Jack can "help" you by being your helper. You will need to enlist your DH's or the grandparent's help. For the time being, you need to consider every action and how you can manage it so that Jack has a positive experience. Because Jack is 5 and he can't do it himself. Additionally, you might want to bring Jack his own "baby" to care for -- a stuffed animal or a play baby doll.

And beyond all else, tell Jack what he is doing well. Not empty praise (like "you're awesome") but real, descriptive praise like "wow, you are such a good helper by getting that ball that rolled under the sofa and returning it gently to Sophia" or "good job, Jack, picking up those blocks so Grandma didn't stumble over them. You are such a good helper!".

[Anonymous]

ANd remind grandma to spend special time with Jack. Point out that he loves his time with her and you don't want Baby coming in the middle of that. That might help her feel better and not always feel like everything needs to be shared time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ANd remind grandma to spend special time with Jack. Point out that he loves his time with her and you don't want Baby coming in the middle of that. That might help her feel better and not always feel like everything needs to be shared time.

I should have mentioned in my OP that Jack lives locally to his grandparents (we do not) and until he started school, they babysat almost daily. I was originally thinking that this should make him MORE secure in his relationship with them, but now I see that background may make him feel even more threatened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler.

I may be uneducated and unreasonable, but I am definitely not jealous. DH and I have had plenty of relief and support from his parents. I am looking for practical tips on how to get Jack to back off a little bit. He is otherwise a bright and affectionate little boy, but I don't think it's normal for him to be possessive of infant toys or to throw fits when DD is taken away for a nap. Several posters have said this isn't abnormal for 5, so I'm willing to roll with it and hover more than I'm used to hovering.

Jack's behavior is totally normal and typical for a 5 year old boy who now has a cousin AND his grandparents spend more time with the cousin than him AND his relationship with his grandparents is threatened. He is expressing his anxiety through his actions because he doesn't have the words to say what he feels and he doesn't even know that he is having the feelings.

You've gotten some good advice from two posters about how to encourage better interactions with Jack. Additionally, you should probably get a book or two that talks about the dynamics of new siblings -- the books don't even have to address cousins but they should give you some insight into Jack and then maybe you can pick up some tactics.

The best thing I can tell you is to be proactive. If you know the baby needs to nurse in 30 minutes and you need privacy then it is best to set up an alternate activity for Jack. If you know you are going to be changing the baby then maybe you can think about how Jack can "help" you by being your helper. You will need to enlist your DH's or the grandparent's help. For the time being, you need to consider every action and how you can manage it so that Jack has a positive experience. Because Jack is 5 and he can't do it himself. Additionally, you might want to bring Jack his own "baby" to care for -- a stuffed animal or a play baby doll.

And beyond all else, tell Jack what he is doing well. Not empty praise (like "you're awesome") but real, descriptive praise like "wow, you are such a good helper by getting that ball that rolled under the sofa and returning it gently to Sophia" or "good job, Jack, picking up those blocks so Grandma didn't stumble over them. You are such a good helper!".

Thank you, this is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Enlist your DH's help here, too. When you first see each other, one of you (who is not holding the baby) should greet Jack really enthusiastically, like pick him up and give him a great big hug, and spin him around. Be proactive in showing him affection so he doesn't have to act out to get attention. Ask your to DH spend some one on one time with his nephew, especially doing physical things that can wear him out a bit, like going out to play catch or flying a kite, or maybe teaching him how to fish.

If you have any baby pictures of your nephew, bring them along and in a quiet moment, you can show him how little he used to be and you can ooh and ahh over how much he's grown. If you have a few extra baby toys and an extra blanket, bring them along and allow your nephew to "play baby" when he starts to grab at the baby toys. He'll get tired of that quickly, especially when you announce that playtime is over and it's time for all the babies to take a nap.

At 10 months, your baby will also like watching Jack and having his attention, so allow them some supervised play time together. You can teach Jack some games to play with your baby, like peek-a-boo or pat-a-cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler.

I may be uneducated and unreasonable, but I am definitely not jealous. DH and I have had plenty of relief and support from his parents. I am looking for practical tips on how to get Jack to back off a little bit. He is otherwise a bright and affectionate little boy, but I don't think it's normal for him to be possessive of infant toys or to throw fits when DD is taken away for a nap. Several posters have said this isn't abnormal for 5, so I'm willing to roll with it and hover more than I'm used to hovering.

Jack's behavior is totally normal and typical for a 5 year old boy who now has a cousin AND his grandparents spend more time with the cousin than him AND his relationship with his grandparents is threatened. He is expressing his anxiety through his actions because he doesn't have the words to say what he feels and he doesn't even know that he is having the feelings.

You've gotten some good advice from two posters about how to encourage better interactions with Jack. Additionally, you should probably get a book or two that talks about the dynamics of new siblings -- the books don't even have to address cousins but they should give you some insight into Jack and then maybe you can pick up some tactics.

The best thing I can tell you is to be proactive. If you know the baby needs to nurse in 30 minutes and you need privacy then it is best to set up an alternate activity for Jack. If you know you are going to be changing the baby then maybe you can think about how Jack can "help" you by being your helper. You will need to enlist your DH's or the grandparent's help. For the time being, you need to consider every action and how you can manage it so that Jack has a positive experience. Because Jack is 5 and he can't do it himself. Additionally, you might want to bring Jack his own "baby" to care for -- a stuffed animal or a play baby doll.

And beyond all else, tell Jack what he is doing well. Not empty praise (like "you're awesome") but real, descriptive praise like "wow, you are such a good helper by getting that ball that rolled under the sofa and returning it gently to Sophia" or "good job, Jack, picking up those blocks so Grandma didn't stumble over them. You are such a good helper!".

Yes but why is this the OP's job?

OP, you and DH need to have a plan to take Jack back to another adult if needed. Remind DH that if his parents want to backstop his sister's parenting, fine, but thatvyou aren't an on call babysitter. Ask DH if he would be willing to give you a break for some solo time too.

Also, I have a five year old, and sometimes he gets mad and stomps off, but I have never seen him hover over a baby, including his little sister. I steer towards Jack being within the range of normal perhaps but just.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 year olds are boisterous and emotional, and very interested in babies. If you can't deal with that don't go. Also there's nothing wrong with "Jacks" parents taking some time off! You sound jealous. Check back in when you have a preschooler.

Uh... Jack sounds like a brat.

-NP/mom of a 5 year old

Yep, 5 year olds go through a bratty phase. Normal.

Yes, but it is also normal for someone to disipline the kid when they act like a brat. It is not ok for the parents to stop parenting when thier kid is acting so poorly and grandma clearly does not have the tools she needs to handle it.

Op, actively include the older kid to help, but also discipline him if he acts up. Some kids actually want the structure of being told they are acting wrong. He probably is trying to figure put this new dynamic.