Does vacation intensify preexisting issues, or should it make things better?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are on a beach vacation this week with our 5 year old child. We have issues with bickering, but it seems so amplified this week. He is acting like a baby and pouting when he doesn't get everything to be his way, and he is just looking for things to blame on me.

Case in point--we had plans to go to an activity today which started at a specific time. We misjudged how much traffic there would be and got there super early. We were waiting to meet friends and we were 2 minutes away from my favorite store, which we don't have locally where we live. DH had mentioned that he thought we should eat before the activity but we had eaten breakfast 90 minutes prior and DS and I weren't hungry. I asked DH to drop me at the store. He got silent like he does when he's mad at me for something but dropped me at the store. He waited for me in the parking lot. There were multiple choices for food all around the store where he dropped me off. 20 minutes later I got in the car and DH was fuming mad but giving me the silent treatment. We got to the activity and he started complaining that he was hungry and I got to do what I wanted to do so I should be happy, but it was at the expense of him being able to eat. I told him he was free to get something to eat at any point. He didn't have to sit in the car the whole time. And he could have brought a snack with him if he thought he might get hungry when the rest of us weren't ready for a meal yet.

Anyway, for the rest of the day he's been pissy and making it seem like the whole day was about me. This was literally the only thing I've done for solely me this entire week. DH has had multiple times away from us to do things he wanted to do, so it's not like I got to do what I wanted to do and he didn't get any opportunities to do the same. He has had a lot of kid free time, and hasn't once offered for me to have any time to do something on my own. So I saw the opportunity and took it and now I'm paying for those 20 minutes where he was apparently wasting away from starvation.

I'd like to think this is just from being out of our routine, but we frequently have similar issues at home. Not specifically this example, but the dynamic is the same. I'm so sick of it and I'm miserable, and most importantly I don't want DS to be impacted by this dynamic between us. DH has no patience for DS either. We've had busy days and the kid is tired, but DH expects him to behave impeccably at a nice restaurant at the end of a long day. DH doesn't want to consider staying in because he likes to eat at nice restaurants on vacation.

If I don't have a perfect plan for the day then DH makes snarky comments at me and blames me for any glitches that occur. I had planned a day yesterday and had mapped out a fun restaurant to try which was on the water and would have been great for DS as it had a playground. It was right on our way back to our beach house. We got there and it was closed at that time which was different than the website hours. DH was so rude to me about it like I had planned it to happen that way.

I know this is kind of all over the place and it's more like venting, but does vacation exacerbate issues that are already there for you? After this week I don't have a desire to do this again, but I know DS loves the place we go so I'll suck it up for him. It just makes me sad that what is supposed to be fun is really not fun at all due to all of this. It's like DH can't be content unless he's putting me down.

[Anonymous]

For us, yes.

That's because my spouse has ADHD and Asperger's and does not do well out of his routine. Any kind of transition into the unknown is hard, and anything that is not routine stresses him out because he's afraid of being late for his flight, forgetting something, etc.

And fear is expressed as anger and irrational insistence on doings things a certain way.

The worst was when I had a medical emergency. He just couldn't deal with it and made my life so much worse.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't live with your DH whether on vacation or at home if that's the way he regularly acts.

[Anonymous]

Hate to break it to you but this is already affecting your son. I grew up with parents who bicker constantly. I'm now in my mid-20's and hate going home to visit because of their palpable contempt for each other, and the ridiculous snarky conversations they have with each other. I moved out at 18 specifically to escape their dynamic.

Maybe your DH is depressed, or anxious, or is just an asshole. I suggest you do something - ANYTHING - about this situation for the sake of your relationship with your son.

[Anonymous]

Your dh sounds incompetent and childish. I assume he manages to be an adult at work, why can't he do that at home too?

[Anonymous]

This is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you're really seeing how much of a jackass your husband really is and finally coming to grips with it. When you're on vacation, it's just your family. You don't have the distractions of jobs and bills and daily routines. And here he is acting like such a childish jackass.

Who does that and why would someone want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

For your kid's sake, I'd start to look into counseling. This behavior needs to change. If not, I'd move on. You and your kid deserve a better life. Even if your kid spends half his time with dad, it's only half his time versus now where he's with him 100% and seeing this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is no way to live.

+ infinity

[Anonymous]

Of course family trips (it doesn't really sound like you're on much of a vacation...) can be stressful and harder than normal life, so yes, certain things can be intensified. However, it sounds like your DH is a dickhead regardless of where you are. It sounds like you need to get into counseling to help you figure out how to deal with him and help him realize how he is treating you. And don't kid yourself that your child doesn't know what is going on. Kids are incredibly receptive, and they pick up on their parents' relationship dynamics from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Google emotional abuse and see if it is familiar to you. I was in a physically violent relationship before marrying by STBXH, so didn't consider what he was doing to be abusive. But constant criticism, dishonesty, gaslighting, stonewalling, rages etc ARE abusive and will wear you down. The trouble is that most abusers are quick to recognize and call out your flaws but all but blind to their own (or will occasionally say a pathetic "I'm sorry" to keep you clinging to hope). Ultimately, this is unsustainable - even if you stay, it is almost impossible that your husband will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dh sounds incompetent and childish. I assume he manages to be an adult at work, why can't he do that at home too?

Yes and no. He can be pretty difficult to work with but he's one of the most successful people they have (commission based work), so his attitude hasn't really come back to bite him. He does have a reputation of being a complainer but ultimately he gets results so they have kind of a hands off mentality with him. He is very competent when it comes to work so they put up with it. The issue with that is that it reinforces that his behavior is ok and ultimately he usually gets what he wants so there's no motivation to change the behavior.

I did have a talk a few months ago with him about this and said that I can't continue to live like this and ultimately it's unfair to DS. I gave him a chance to make changes and I recommended he get into counseling to explore why he felt the need to put others down to make himself feel better. He promised to improve and did for a tiny bit of time but now it's back to normal. When we get home I will sit down with him and explain that his behavior is negatively affecting our family so he can either take concrete steps to make changes or we need to at least temporarily separate.

This makes me nervous because he can be very vindictive, especially about money, when he wants to be. There are joint accounts but I don't have easy access to them so it is quite possible he would move joint money into other accounts. How do I get my ducks in a row before tipping him off?
-OP

[Anonymous]

Why can't you access the joint accounts? Are you working full time? Start putting money away - even just a bit at a time.

[Anonymous]

What are you doing to change? The responsibility for this dynamic doesn't just fall on his shoulders - you are part of the equation.

And let me guess, your sex life is in the dumpster, right? Not according to you, this according to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to you but this is already affecting your son. I grew up with parents who bicker constantly. I'm now in my mid-20's and hate going home to visit because of their palpable contempt for each other, and the ridiculous snarky conversations they have with each other. I moved out at 18 specifically to escape their dynamic.

Maybe your DH is depressed, or anxious, or is just an asshole. I suggest you do something - ANYTHING - about this situation for the sake of your relationship with your son.

Yes my parents were like this too and I swore I would never do that to my kid. I went into therapy myself for a few years before I had a child to figure out ways to stop that pattern. I really dislike myself for allowing this to happen. He is my only child and I want us to have a good relationship because I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Their dynamic makes me too uncomfortable for it to be enjoyable to spend any time with them.

I'm just so scared of what the future holds if we split up. I know that's not a reason to stay, and if we didn't have a kid I'd have taken steps long ago but I can't imagine messing up his world. But I will do anything for him so if I have to I have to. I honestly think DH has anxiety (but he considers his anxious traits a positive and what make him successful) , so maybe convincing him to get treatment with that is the first way to go. He did go to a session a few years ago at my urging but I doubt he told the real story so he came home and said the therapist said he didn't find anything to treat--he's just dealing with some situational stress. -OP

[Anonymous]

"vacation" is always more stressful. Limited amount of time to accomplish a list of tasks that cost money while you are worried about things piling up a work and hope that everyone will have fun and fearful that if things don't go perfect everyone will hate the vacation and by extension be disappointed in you for not giving them a great time. The result is that you become over sensitive to every minor difficulty.

My solution was to stop having "vacations" because they always suck