Reply to WHat is the secret to happy relatively peaceful extended families?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.[/quote]

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?[/quote]

NP.  I agree with the first poster.  You have to be able to accept and overlook.  Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud.  So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line.  We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person.  If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it.  But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.[/quote]

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?[/quote]

I know someone responded but I am the "agree" poster back with a response, too.

I guess it would depend on the situation.  Is she making statements that everyone is just ignoring OR is she demanding that a dinner of kale sandwiches will be served at midnight at her house and everyone will eat in the nude sitting on the ground in the solarium?

See what I mean?  The first you just smile, nod and walk away.

The second you say to your relatives, "Oh, golly, that's too late for us and we prefer cabbage sandwiches to kale so we'll be going to Hardees at 6:30.  Meet us there if you want!"  But you don't argue and you don't try to prove her wrong, you just lay out your alternative and leave it.  If others call you on it, "well, Bubba, we had a fine time at Becky Sue's eating our kale sandwiches and the floor weren't hardly cold at all", you just nod and say how happy you are that they had a fine time eating kale sandwiches on the floor (notice how I'm using their words in the response), then you say that you are glad it all worked out and walk away.

Pick and choose your battles and suddenly you'll find that the "battles" begin to go away.  You are not going to change your SIL's behavior and you cannot control your SIL's behavior.  You can only change or control your behavior.

Final thought:  Why are you giving her so much power over you that you will deprive yourselves of others' company because of her?[/quote]

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