Adult separation anxiety
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Anonymous
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DCUM, please try to find it in your hearts to not rip me apart. I'm aware of how pathetic I sound and this is completely out of character for me. I am normally a very independent woman and I've always been able to take care of, entertain and love myself. My boyfriend of 1.5 years and I started off long distance for the first six months, then moved to the same state and lived separately, then moved in together. We have now been living together for about 6 months.
I'm beginning to realize that I have severe separation anxiety. This started when we moved in together in February. We both work and going to work is not an issue for me, but once we're off work, I must be attached at the hip with him or I get incredibly emotional. Just the THOUGHT of him having to go on a business trip or even go somewhere for a couple of hours without me puts a lump in my throat. When he wants to hang out with friends, I beg him to make plans when I'm at work or busy so I don't have to be at home without him. The other day he wanted to go visit a friend for a couple of hours and I had a full-blown crying panic attack. It's pathetic and I know it, but I can't help it. I don't know what to do. Other than work, I hate going places alone and want him by my side everywhere I go. We have a big friend group but there are days when I don't want to leave the house or see anyone else besides him, and I know this makes him sad as he loves being around friends. We are very emotionally close and have talked a lot about this. He has been incredibly patient and never gets frustrated with me. He understands the anxiety and sadness that being away from him puts me through and while he loves me to death and wants to marry me, I can't help but feel like there's no way any normal person could handle me for much longer. I am normally a bubbly, high energy girl but lately all I want is to be around my BF and that's it. I don't get excited for family vacations, going out with friends, etc. I have been going through a lot of physical, emotional and mental changes for the past year, and he has always been the constant. I think that's a big part of the reason why I'm so attached to him. He is my comfort zone. I know I need help and he does too. Unfortunately therapy is 100% not financially an option for me. Please, if you have any tips or advice on what I can do to make this easier on both of us, let me hear them. And again, please go easy on me. I understand this is not healthy and needs to change, but I'm in an incredibly frail emotional state and cannot handle much backlash. I am simply looking for advice. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you should get a dog to comfort you and help you deal with stress. Sounds like a daily yoga class might help too. Are there any reasons you do not trust him? Do you trust yourself? |
Anonymous
OP here. We have two dogs but they are more of a nuisance than a comfort to me. A yoga class is a good idea- I love yoga. This really isn't an issue of trust. No part of me is scared of him being unfaithful or anything of the sort. That has never been an issue with us. I just generally hate being away from him. I guess a part of me does worry about his wellbeing when he's away, but that's just because my career is working with babies so I have a natural caring and maternal instinct. I don't think that's the root of my anxiety though. I just hate being anywhere if he's not by my side. |
Anonymous
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What do you think the root of your anxiety is, OP? What are you anxious about when he's gone?
I hate being away from my DH too. He's currently gone on a 6 week work trip and it sucks. But you learn to deal in his absence. |
Anonymous
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"I can't help but feel like there's no way any normal person could handle me for much longer. I am normally a bubbly, high energy girl but lately all I want is to be around my BF and that's it. I don't get excited for family vacations, going out with friends, etc.
I have been going through a lot of physical, emotional and mental changes for the past year, and he has always been the constant. I think that's a big part of the reason why I'm so attached to him." Change can also seriously affect your psyche. Therapy can really really help with this and help you to learn some grounding techniques to self-soothe. |
Anonymous
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OP I hope you see this response.
I was the same as you and was with the same man for almost a decade. And then he left. And it took a decade to get over it. So you need to start making changes now. An adult relationship cannot be about him making you feel safe and good. You also need to be able to provide that for him. Balance is key. |
Anonymous
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Could you find a hobby or some sort of class to encorporate into your routine to give you something to do when he wants some time alone with friends? You could start small. He goes to dinner with a friend for two hours while you go to a spinning class or pottery studio or something else?
Can you afford one therapy session to give you some tips for dealing with panic attacks? Deep breathing or meditation or something? It seems the only way through this will be to just remind yourself that you will survive and slowly build up to doing things separately for longer periods of time. |
Anonymous
| This is entirely about you and not about him, how much you love him, etc. I say this with kindness--get into therapy to work on anxiety. This is not a healthy attitude and you can get to the heart of why you are so dependent on someone else to manage your own emotional state. Even if he is a wonderful person who is is great for you--this issue deserves attention. What if something happens to him and he's not there? What if he ends the relationship? What if you want to end the relationship because you aren't satisfied but you depend on him too much? Or what if he just needs to travel for work or whatever? Work on this now. |
Anonymous
| Whatever it takes to make therapy an option for you, do it. This is seriously not normal at all and you will only drive him away. |
Anonymous
| Could you possibly be co-dependent of him? |
Anonymous
+1 OP, you should research codependency. |
Anonymous
PP here. Just wanted to add that it's not necessarily that your partner did anything wrong. Codependents usually had a parent with an addiction or some sort of personality disorder. But then they can move into a 'normal' relationship and take their codependency with them. Or he may have issues himself, as well. |
Anonymous
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OP, you said that this isn't normal for you, and prior to this separation anxiety you were independent.
So what do you think triggered this? Is it related to your family of origin, or prior relationships? Do have have a history of anxiety or OCD? Something happened to trigger this very severe change in your mental status. |
Anonymous
| Also - you may need to talk to your PCP to get a prescription for anxiety medication. Just to get you to the point where you are calm enough to access your rational thought, and talk yourself through these crises. |
Anonymous
| Go see your pcp and get a referral to a therapist that is in network so you will only have a co pay - I also think anxiety meds prescribed by a psychiatrist or even your pcp would help |