Big fight with DH about 19 months old DS's parenting method

[Anonymous]

I & DH have different ideas over the parenting of our 21 months old DS. DS has not gone to daycare yet, and is currently under grandma's care during our work hours. He will attend daycare next year September.

DS is an energetic kid, and he loves to scream & jump when he is happy, he loves to run around when he is outdoors, and he does not stop his behavior when people tells him "NO". He has speech delay, and he is under county intervention program. DS is often commented by people as a happy child, always wave "hi" & "bye" to strangers, and has no problem hanging around with kids in the playground or gym class. He rarely cries, and I do say that he is a naughty child because he likes to test our boundaries as parents because I see the smile/smirk in his eyes. When he get pushed by other kids, he does not cry & still wants to hang out with them. When he falls on the street, he rarely cries & just move on unless there is a big cut. Because he is the only child, he sometimes get bored at home, so he always find stuffs to do around the house, e.g. picking up tiny trash on the floor, running around the table, playing hide and seek with himself, handing you things from somewhere, and trying to make you play with him etc. . Whenever we take him outside, he just runs nonstop because he gets excited whenever he sees other little kids around his age, and he looks up/likes to copy other older kids in the playground even though majority of the time, the older kids ignore him & treat him as a baby. He just loves to be around kids and people.

DH thinks that Ds needs structure & discipline, and he tells me that he sees there is a chance our son would be a "bully" growing up because he does not listen to what people say and just still does his own way. He says that our son does not care and has no fear whatever we, as parents, say. He does not stop his behavior when we tell him "NO" multiple times. He is the only child does not come to circle time at gym class (his first gym class at that facility) like other toddlers do, instead just playing on the slide & doing his own things around. He wants to use timeout method, teaching him to listen to parents say and teaching him there is a consequence if he does not listen/follow. At home, he wants to place him in the pack n play when he is not listening & acting well. And, I know that he would cry tearfully whenever he is placed in the pack n play because it restricts his mobility. And, later on, he would want many hugs from mama & try to ignore/fear of Dh.

Okay, for me DS is only 21 months old, and I do agree that we should introduce him some discipline, but I am against timeout by placing him Pack n Play. I would rather hold him tight with my arms and look into his eyes by talking to him repeatedly why mama & baba does not like this behavior. To me, discipline should be applied & reinforced gradually over time, and I believe over time, he would understand more & more when he is growing up. Especially he is at the play and learn stage, I believe he should learn the correct behavior by experiments and under guidance of parents. He would learn more disciplines especially after he goes to daycare. I just want him to be a child that playing around at this age. And, I think that my Dh was too serious talking about our son would be future "bully" because the way he does not listen to us now. That is just a false assumption, and it just does not make sense to me. Dh wants to send our son to daycare immediately instead of next year because he believes that daycare would be a great learning ground for him to learn structures & disciplines. But, as a mom, I am not mentally ready, and I have awesome parents willing to take care of him for the time being. I want to be next year, not now. At the end of fight, I told him fine, you can do your pack n play timeout, and I will do my talking to him method. We both are mad at each other.

What will one do if parents have different views of parenting? I know there is no absolutely right or wrong especially both wants the best for the child. I am just upset that we have been having the same fight over and over again for the past weeks because we both do not agree with each other. I am kind of resenting Dh that even both of us are working (he has a high demand job), I am always the main one taking care of Ds, doing house chores around the house, and taking our ds outdoors to playground/classes/storytime by myself over weekends. Since I am the main one taking care of ds between us, I should have the biggest voices over this matter because I contribute the most in terms of time/energy/effort over ds's parenting. I don't think ds is bad child, he is just a typical boy for his age now. And, even though both Dh and I are the same race, but Dh was born & grew up here, and I grew up from other countries. We are both professionals and have great educational background, but we do have some cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Mistypo on the topic, our Ds is 21 months old, not 19 months old. After I type up this topic, it makes me feeling a lot better to relieve my frustration. I know both of us are both experimenting & trying to be a good parents, and I wish I can foresee the future to see what kind of person Ds would turn to be when he is fully grown up, and I can conclude who's right, Dh or me now.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to counseling and/or a parenting clsss together? Sounds like your parents are available to babysit.

I don't think in your situation (both parents are present and engaged), you get a bigger "say" than your husband when it comes to discipline.

I also think redirecting and short time outs may be effective at this point, over physically restraining him.

[Anonymous]

You sound like one of those people who lets your little "darling" run around disrupting people all the time with his screaming and jumping while you sit there smirking like, "he's so cute and everybody who doesn't love every single thing he does is just a big meanie."

[Anonymous]

Put him in a high quality day care, preferably Montessori or Reggio. Also, he doesn't listen to you because there are no consequences. Also, you say no which is really vague. Give him direct feedback. "Not safe" or "Not for babies". Or "We don't take rocks from other people's gardens."
Hold him right and look into his eye? That is confusing....are you rough or gentle? You are either hugging or restraining him and neither is healthy. Restraining is inappropriate and hugging confuses him. With that confusion you might as well be spanking him. Take a parenting class, please! And do get counseling. I agree with your dh.

[Anonymous]

Why are you "talking to" a 22 month old? That is developmentally inappropriate. Please take a parenting class asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you "talking to" a 22 month old? That is developmentally inappropriate. Please take a parenting class asap.

And I say this as someone who grew up living in other countries!

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is right. Saying "no" multiple times means that you don't have swift consequences for the first instances of misbehavior. Like immediately going home or getting removed from the situation. You don't do it for everything but for big things (hitting, etc) you get one warning and then go home.

I don't think an embrace from mom is a good form of discipline. Your husband is right about putting him somewhere else than you are as discipline.

I have a DD the exact age as yours and these are our methods.

[Anonymous]

Read 1,2,3 Magic. My second child was a lot like your son. My first was naturally eager to please, but dd is very playful and has that boundary testing, twinkle in her eye personality like yours. 1, 2, 3 Magic has worked very well - she's been in a timeout probably just a handful of times, but now straightens out by the time I get to 2, because she knows I'm serious once I start with the numbers. Give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like the big problem is that you are rach trying to get the other to do it your way instead of trying to find a middle ground. I agree that taking a parenting class together is a good place to start. Timeouts are not really effective for a kid that young (and they have a lot of pitfalls even for older kids), but DH is right to want more structure in general and limits. Snuggling and talking about why the behavior is bad are actively rewarding the behavior, so frankly you both sound kind of clueless, which is fine. You are both new to this.

What actually works at this age is to have a good structure in general--set mealtimes, naptimes, bedtimes and active playtimes each day. Then on top of that structure you build house rules that are age appropriate. It's not reasonable to expect a one-year-old (or even a 2- or 3-year-old) to consistently obey an order the first time. But if you have consistent and predictable and reasonable rules then he will learn over time what is and isn't okay. That said, they don't learn that X isn't okay because mommy gave him a big hug and talked for 5 minutes about "no climbing the bookshelf." They learn through action. Instead of talking, pick him up and move him to the slide and say "climb here." No more. Keep it short.

Running around and ignoring the teacher during class is pretty typical for a high-energy kid. Maybe try a few different classes to find one that is more engaging.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you decide to do, whether it's 1-2-3 Magic (I second the recommendation) or parenting classes, you need to involve grandma, since she is the one caring for him during the work day.

I agree with those who suggest that it's time to move on from grandma's care and into a more structured preschool or daycare program that can reinforce the discipline you need to begin to implement at home.

Although you like the idea of physically restraining your child as a form of discipline, this type of action will be difficult to maintain as your child grows and could create a sort of physical tension between the two of you that isn't healthy. I agree with your husband that a time out would be a better choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to counseling and/or a parenting clsss together? Sounds like your parents are available to babysit.

I don't think in your situation (both parents are present and engaged), you get a bigger "say" than your husband when it comes to discipline.

I also think redirecting and short time outs may be effective at this point, over physically restraining him.

I agree. You should start some timeouts, just sitting in a chair now. Hopefully the threat of time out will be effective later. At this age, redirection works and reduces the number of daily conflicts. Remember it's the terrible twos and it will get better.

[Anonymous]

This might be relevant and a reason behind your child's behavior is a "yes". Is grandma from China (since you used the words mama and baba) or is she from a culture where grandparents have a tendency to spoil their children?

[Anonymous]

This might be relevant and a reason behind your child's behavior if your answer is a "yes". Is grandma from China (since you used the words mama and baba) or is she from a culture where grandparents have a tendency to spoil their children. My spouse and I grew up in China and HK, and we made it a point that grandma would not be "bringing up" the child like we've seen done to many of our friends' kids. They were predictably spoiled, and had an obvious lack of discipline in some cases.

[Anonymous]

You need to take a parenting class together. Disciplining a toddler is all about firm, consistent boundaries, and predictable responses. A toddler's job is to find your limits and if they are always changing, it's confusing and he will need to test more.

I disagree with timeout as a tool, but believe strongly in redirection. DS starts climbing on chairs? "Sit down in the chair." He doesn't sit? Pick him up. "You need to sit down or get down. You can climb on xyz."

Etc. Repeat. Short and sweet. Firm and fair. Predictable.