Big fight with DH about 19 months old DS's parenting method

[Anonymous]

Your DH is right about he time outs. Read 1,2,3 Magic.

Adding preschool to the mix is not a bad idea either.

Stop thinking about whether you are "ready" and more about what your child needs in terms of structure and enrichment.

Does your culture spoil boys? Do your parents? Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

If I remember, he's too young for the techniques in 1-2-3 Magic.

My DS was by no means wild, but he didn't start grasping the concept of "no", consequences, and any sense of parental authority before 2.5 or so. I think that's developmentally normal. I distinctly remember the first time he actually asked me permission to do something, lol.

Before that, it's just intervening and redirecting when they're doing something that is harming others. Saying "No" but not expecting them to have the impulse control to actually follow that. And removing them from the situation if they are becoming too much of a distraction for others.

Expecting a young child to obey your every command is just asking for a heap of disappointment. Some children have naturally more compliant personalities, that doesn't mean the other kids are "bad" or undisciplined, or have permissive parents, it just means that their independent spirit will better serve them at a different age

There is a world of difference between a 21 month old and a 3 year old.

[Anonymous]

You admit he's bored at home with all the grown ups a few hours of daycare a day just for him to play wiith kids his age might be a nice change for him.

ALso, it's not daycare's job to teach him discipline and routine. That is your job as the parents.

21 months is not too young to teach him he needs to listen to mommy and daddy. Ie he can't run away from you out in public.

In my opinion time outs don't work well for kids under 3, instead best approach is redirection, simple explanation, immediate consequence.

Time outs only work when kid is at a stage where they are able to reflect on their actions a little bit.

Long explanations get lost in kid's short attention spans.

Holding your kid for discipline typically just becomes playtime.

[Anonymous]

He does need discipline.
But he's not a bully. He doesn't listen because he's got ADHD (also why the social slights (pushing) doesn't phase him).
So just deal with the behavior issues appropriately. Timeouts seem appropriate.

[Anonymous]

+1. I agree with your husband. Timeouts can work really well at that age. My son is 23 months and we've been doing timeouts since around 14/16 months? and now just the threat of a timeout gets him to stop doing an offending behavior. And when I actually do have to give him a timeout we do it where ever we are- in a store...no problem! We'll have a timeout there lol! It's the only thing that has worked for us is enforcing immediate consequences. Our son is also "spirited" and tests every boundary almost daily.

[Anonymous]

He's almost 2 and you haven't introduced discipline? Um....you may want to start that.

Sounds like your child is bored out of his mind. Get him to daycare, or maybe a class. Or something.

Please, read a parenting book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does need discipline.
But he's not a bully. He doesn't listen because he's got ADHD (also why the social slights (pushing) doesn't phase him).
So just deal with the behavior issues appropriately. Timeouts seem appropriate.

ADHD cannot be diagnosed at 19 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide to do, whether it's 1-2-3 Magic (I second the recommendation) or parenting classes, you need to involve grandma, since she is the one caring for him during the work day.

I agree with those who suggest that it's time to move on from grandma's care and into a more structured preschool or daycare program that can reinforce the discipline you need to begin to implement at home.

Although you like the idea of physically restraining your child as a form of discipline, this type of action will be difficult to maintain as your child grows and could create a sort of physical tension between the two of you that isn't healthy. I agree with your husband that a time out would be a better choice.

Discipline can evolve over time, and at this age physically restraining a child in your arms is a reasonable technique. Other techniques might also be reasonable, but there's nothing wrong with what OP wants to do.

I used to hold DD in my arms and count to 60. If she had calmed down by then, she was allowed to go free. But if she hit or screamed etc during that 60, we started over. It was tough for the first few weeks, then it was easy. Now she's 3.5, and we've been using a variation on 1,2,3 Magic for a while, and it works quite well. She's extremely "high-spirited", but she's also a great listener.

OP, your problem isn't the parenting techniques you are using. Both of you sound reasonable in that regard, though your DH might have overly strict expectations of a 21 month old. Your problem is that you can't come to agreement about what to do (even if the agreement ends up being you both use different methods). Your problem also is that you resent your DH for other stuff related to childcare. This is a marriage problem, not a parenting one.

[LoriCroit]

I am so very sorry you are going through all this with your little one and husband.

It's important that you are both on the same page for parenting and discipline, otherwise there will not be continuity with with the guidelines and parameters for your son. He will not know what is expected of him and unless there is follow through there is no reason for him to behave and will continue to express himself by saying "no". There must be consequences to his actions or he will be in charge and control everything around him. He needs to understand there are boundaries, even at 21 months and that you are the parents, that you are in charge and control. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it's necessary if you want the best for his character building.

I remember, when we raised our "strong-willed" son, it was a gentle form of "tough love". And being consistent was ultimately more important than anything else. Hopefully you will be able to sit down and talk to your husband about laying out some ground rules for the both of you to follow through with and the result should help your son to know what's expected.

A while back when we were raising our son in those formidable years, someone I highly respected told us that "children really crave direction and discipline" that's why they test you and act up...to find out what is expected and what the limits are.

I hope this helps. I will be praying for you to find the right parameters as your family thrives. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, if your child has a receptive language delay, disciplining by "talking" to him is not going to help. I had a child with a severe language delay (although we didn't understand how far he was behind until much later), and he did a lot of the behaviors you are describing and was also in early intervention.

What helped was structure, a good preschool with lots of structure and kids to help him model behavior, and us dropping down to his utterance level plus one word. So if he's saying single words, you are saying two words to him.

You can't successfully lecture a kid with a language disorder.

[Anonymous]

I have a very outgoing and active child the same age as yours (plus older) who I discipline just fine. He knows there are consequences for doing what we say not to do.

A daycare isn't the place to send a wild toddler with no discipline. It isn't fair to the provider, the other kids or the parents of the other kids who might adopt your negative behaviors. Your child is clearly bored, but you need to get a grip on discipline first. It's not someone else's job to raise your child.

Read some parenting books. Cuddling your kid when he misbehaves is going to raise an entitled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take a parenting class together. Disciplining a toddler is all about firm, consistent boundaries, and predictable responses. A toddler's job is to find your limits and if they are always changing, it's confusing and he will need to test more.

I disagree with timeout as a tool, but believe strongly in redirection. DS starts climbing on chairs? "Sit down in the chair." He doesn't sit? Pick him up. "You need to sit down or get down. You can climb on xyz."

Etc. Repeat. Short and sweet. Firm and fair. Predictable.

I agree with this. A lot of discipline at this age is really just cause and effect. DC does something, Mom says "no," and DC continues with the behavior, Mom says "no," DC continues behavior, etc. Clearly there's no reason to pay attention to mom when she says "no" because it has no effect. The better lesson is if DC does something, Mom says "no," DC continues with the behavior and Mom redirects, leaves, etc. so that DC learns what happens if he doesn't do what mom says.

As an aside, OP, you might want to think about the fact that you believe you should have more "say" in a situation because you're the one doing most of the work when you have admitted that your son's behavior is lacking. Perhaps your instincts aren't right and you'd be well served by reading some parenting books about age appropriate behavior and discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to take a parenting class together. Disciplining a toddler is all about firm, consistent boundaries, and predictable responses. A toddler's job is to find your limits and if they are always changing, it's confusing and he will need to test more.

I disagree with timeout as a tool, but believe strongly in redirection. DS starts climbing on chairs? "Sit down in the chair." He doesn't sit? Pick him up. "You need to sit down or get down. You can climb on xyz."

Etc. Repeat. Short and sweet. Firm and fair. Predictable.

I agree with this. A lot of discipline at this age is really just cause and effect. DC does something, Mom says "no," and DC continues with the behavior, Mom says "no," DC continues behavior, etc. Clearly there's no reason to pay attention to mom when she says "no" because it has no effect. The better lesson is if DC does something, Mom says "no," DC continues with the behavior and Mom redirects, leaves, etc. so that DC learns what happens if he doesn't do what mom says.

As an aside, OP, you might want to think about the fact that you believe you should have more "say" in a situation because you're the one doing most of the work when you have admitted that your son's behavior is lacking. Perhaps your instincts aren't right and you'd be well served by reading some parenting books about age appropriate behavior and discipline.

+1 to all this.

I don't understand why OP has a problem with saying "no" and sticking to it. At 22mo your child should be able to understand the word "no".

I understand holding your child if he's out of control, but if he's touching something that he shouldn't for the 3x, how is holding him going to help? You let him go, then he goes right back to doing xyz that he shouldn't. Are you going to just hold him for an hour until he gets tired of it? Your kid sounds stubborn. He will wear you out on that type of discipline.

And agree with ^PP, don't put him into daycare until you get his behavior under control.

[Anonymous]

You will raise a whiny brat doing it your way. Your DH is 100% on point.

[Anonymous]

What kind of speech delay? If it is receptive, he may not be understanding no. We did a lot of redirection at that age. We didn't have anything within toddler reach that child could not touch and had baby gates to restrict movement. Every time he'd try to jump off the couch he got a no and removed from the couch. It took a long time to understand no. We did use the PNP some for a time out. Holding and explaining no for a child with a language disorder isn't going to work well. They may not understand the explanation and to them its someone speaking to them in a foreign language. Much of that behavior is normal at that age.

Do a structured day care, not Montessori which is generally not recommended for kids with speech delays as having a strong routine is better.