Resentment over boomer grandmother
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Anonymous
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Can anyone help me with tips or commiseration about how to get over resentment about unhelpful, local grandmother? I am a mom of 3 under 5 who works 20 hours a week and have a mother (age 70) who lives locally. I feel like I am drowning in my to do list and exhausted in general, and my mother piles more work on me non stop. When I ask her for help, she declines. However, she has no problem asking me to take her places, pick up things for her, and help her with things. She gets mad when I say no and won't visit the kids (who love her). However, she will not even offer to stop at the store for me on her many trips for recreational grocery shopping during the week. I am growing so, so resentful of her as I remember her dropping me and my sister off at our grandparents ALL THE TIME when I was growing up.
Ugh, just need to get over this but another text came in asking for help and I'm just DONE. |
Anonymous
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OP, for as long as you've known your mother, she has been self-centered and expected other people to do her work.
What part of that has changed, and what do you think will change now that she is 70? |
Anonymous
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It's not unreasonable that she doesn't help you; she has her own life. However, it is unreasonable that she is asking you for help without reciprocating if she is able to reciprocate.
Just tell her "Mom, I'm sorry, I don't have time to do xyz for you. I barely have enough time to do my own stuff, I can't add yours on top of it. Now, if you'd like to watch the kids so I can go do that stuff for you, then we can do that. Otherwise, I am spending all my time taking care of my kids and my household [and working, if applicable], so you'll have to get xyz yourself." |
Anonymous
| You shouldn't have had three kids if you didn't want to be overwhelmed... |
Anonymous
This. I don't think it's fair to expect your parents to take care of your kids. HOWEVER, if that parent is expecting you to take care of them (and they are otherwise totally capable of taking care of themselves), then I don't see why they shouldn't reciprocate. Stop being a doormat. |
Anonymous
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1) Her being a boomer has nothing to do with her behavior.
2) If she is fully capable, stop doing things for her. Tell her you have enough on your plate and that she is perfectly capable to handling that on her own. If she huffs and puffs, let her. It sounds like she has been pampered and pussyfooted around her whole life. She will not change, but you can change the way you react and your piece of mind will be better for it. If you need help, consult a therapist for how to draw an aproapriate boundary. It may take a few sessions, but it will not take more than 6 months for you to figure it all out and become okay with it. 3) You have to figure out how much of a relationship you would like your children to have with her and how much you are willing to do to foster that. |
Anonymous
She is overwhelmed by her mother, not her children. |
Anonymous
Totally agree. If she's being punitive and not visiting her grandchildren because you won't help her, that's a incredibly selfish and bitchy thing to do. That's on her though. Don't let her threaten you into doing things that she can do for herself. |
Anonymous
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OP, all you can change is yourself. You have to say "no" and accept the fact that she will get mad at you. You can't make her see your point of view. You can't make her not get mad. But you can learn that it's okay for you to set limits with people even if they get mad. My mom wasn't any where as bad as yours but I did find that once I set limits on the things that really bothered me (her constantly telling me my father was a loser) that I eventually came to feel some compassion for her. Can't promise this would happen to you but I can tell you that it won't happen if you keep giving in to her emotional blackmail.
And I agree with the poster who said this has nothing to do with her being a boomer! I'm a boomer myself. Good luck with this. Hope it gets better. |
Anonymous
| Don't answer the phone, and just stop doing things for her. Her guilt games with seeing her grandkids will stop when she sees they aren't working. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Yes, I'd untangle your feelings about how much time she spends with your kids from your issues with her tasking you to do stuff. Stop doing stuff for her, you are too busy. She can do it.
But also, stop expecting her to help you. That's clearly not what she wants to do. And that's ok. I have one set of very involved grandparents and one not so interested set. It's ok, really. The involved ones do it because they LOVE it. Not because they have to. |
Anonymous
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You work 20 hours a week and you can't figure out how to manage?
Seems to me you and your mom are cut from the same cloth. I think the problem is you being a lazy Xer or Mllenial just as much as she's a lazy Boomer. Stop doing things she can do herself, and you grow up and learn how to functon lke the adult and parent you are. |
Anonymous
| Is your dad alive? Do you expect him to help? Also you might like this article http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/05/fashion/05grandparents-1.html |
Anonymous
| I get your frustration. Stop doing things for her. Teach her how you want to be treated. |