Was I wrong and how do I get over him?

[Anonymous]

My colleague chased after me for 3 years and we were really good friends until I decided to give a relationship a shot. He was on and off with his girlfriend and always had several women on the side. Most of the time we spent together were recaps of his escapades. He would call me at 3am to tell me how easy it was to get his latest catch. I would listen, laugh and tell him to get back with his girlfriend. He had deep emotional conections with most of these women and ai often wondered how he managed them all. I was single and hadn't been on a date or had a boyfriend in almost 10 years. Long story short we started getting intimate with the understanding that I was one of many. He gave me so much time and attention, I told my best friend no man had given me that much attention and affection. He was sensitive and every wonderful thing you can think of. 3 months after it started he started acting out of character- forgetting to call, standing me on dates,etc. At first he denied it was happening and later said he was tired. Of doing all the work. Well I started doing everything I could to please him but at 41 there were enougg signs to prove he was done. Eventually, he said he preferred for us to stay. Friends and cut off everything else. I was devastated and told him it would be difficult for me. I just wanted to cut ties completely, not because - didn't care but because I was going through the whole crying myself to sleep thing and needed some time away. He still continued texting me to talk about his family and other things and - told him I just couldn't do it. He is getting transferred across the country and I only speak to him about work while he is still here. He is starting to slack off and I have tried to cover for him but we had a tight deadline for a certain task and I reminded him to get his information to me asap. No response and eventually I send a text at night asking him not to forget. He promises to do so and by the time - check my emails he has sent an email saying he has take some some impromptu time off for a week. Essenrially he put me in a mess. What did - do wrong other than being an idiot and sleeping with him? I am still hurting that we are no longer friends but why would he do that? I am stupid, I know. FYI he has stopped picking my calls since he pulled that stunt.

[Anonymous]

He's moving, right? Don't rely on him for anything, work wise or emotionally.

[Anonymous]

No contact is the way to go. Delete and block his contact information.

[Anonymous]

You got taken by a loser. Cut him off and move on.

[Anonymous]

Paragraphs much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No contact is the way to go. Delete and block his contact information.

This.

He's a player who just liked the chase. Anyone who would call you at 3 am to brag about his latest conquest is an a-hole. Have some self respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paragraphs much?

I apologiz, I am distraught and started typing this without thinking.. I really. Needed to vent.

[Anonymous]

Okay, well, for starters if you're devastated about the romantic part of this--you went into it with eyes wide open. You knew how he was and you even discussed it. So you kinda forfeit your right to be upset about that.

As far as the work deadline, if you can't do it alone, get a superior involved and explain how he did not do his part. You should not have to get a black mark on your record over his work failure.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't sound like a good mate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't sound like a good mate

Gee, what made you think that?

[Anonymous]

Cliche I know, but you need some counseling to figure out WHY you got involved with a guy who called you to talk about his conquests, cheated on his girlfriend with multiple women on the side, etc. - and WHY you are surprised it ended badly.
What did you think would happen?? And why don't you want more for yourself? Clearly he's a jerk who lacks integrity - dry your tears and focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cliche I know, but you need some counseling to figure out WHY you got involved with a guy who called you to talk about his conquests, cheated on his girlfriend with multiple women on the side, etc. - and WHY you are surprised it ended badly.
What did you think would happen?? And why don't you want more for yourself? Clearly he's a jerk who lacks integrity - dry your tears and focus on yourself.

This was meant as "tough love", sorry if it's harsh. But sometimes that's necessary. Even after he f-ed you over at work you still want him?? I would say a thankful good riddance! And cut off contact completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cliche I know, but you need some counseling to figure out WHY you got involved with a guy who called you to talk about his conquests, cheated on his girlfriend with multiple women on the side, etc. - and WHY you are surprised it ended badly.
What did you think would happen?? And why don't you want more for yourself? Clearly he's a jerk who lacks integrity - dry your tears and focus on yourself.

+1

But is he still a colleague? Can you move divisions so you don't have to interact with him?

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Were you wrong - well you didn't do anything unethical or hurt anyone but yourself. But I think you made the classic mistake of thinking a guy would change or be different with you even when you said going in it was supposed to be FWB. Also, I think it was one of those situations where there is a low bar so even this guy with all his issues seems better than having no one or the guys you dated in the past. But objectively speaking you want the guy that wants a real relationship with you that is attractive, fun and attentive.

To get over him, take off the rose colored glasses and realize that he really isn't that wonderful. Not as a friend, not as a FWB, not as a real relationship. He pretty much took a crap all over you. Work wise, treat him the same way you would a co-worker that isn't pulling his/her weight. Don't cover for him. For me first step is email and I don't typically copy the world unless I know the manager wants to be on this email or it is also a handoff where the manager told me to contact the person. Second step is phone call and I respond to the initial email with "thanks for talking to me, as we discussed on the phone ...xyz". Third is manager is copied on the email asking when it will be done and if there is someone that can help if he/she has other deadlines with priorities ahead of this. In theory his manager should be signing off on someone else taking impromptu vacation when they haven't finished work for a major deadline. Be helpful without letting the other person be helpless and shift all the work to you unrecognized. If at the end of the day manager say it has to go to you, you should something shifted off your plate to focus or at a minimum get recognized that they needed you to keep everything on your plate plus carry his workload while he did not.

So bottom line is focus on keeping your dignity, not on the hurt or end of the relationship. Also realize, it sometimes it isn't so much losing the person he is but losing the dreams/fantasy you had and facing the reality of not fulfilling what you feel is missing from your life. For example, I remember being so upset with a soon to be SIL that I had a long, rambling vent on DCUM. Everyone thought I was crazy to be upset but there was one person that cut to the heart of the matter and suggested that I was hurt because the relationship was not going to meet my hopes. It forced me to realize I am not close to my own sisters (huge age gap, different personality) and had transferred my hope for a close sister relationship onto my SIL. When she could care less if I attended her bridal shower that was the sign that my hopes not only weren't realistic, but I may never have that close sister or like sister bond with anyone in my lifetime. The latter was a bitter pill to swallow. But being able to accept that, I was able to move forward and not be as needy/hung up/hurt by SIL.