Reply to Was I wrong and how do I get over him?

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[quote=Anonymous]Were you wrong - well  you didn't do anything unethical or hurt anyone but yourself.  But I think you made the classic mistake of thinking a guy would change or be different with you even when you said going in it was supposed to be  FWB.  Also, I think it was one of those situations where there is a low bar so even this guy with all his issues seems better than having no one or the guys you dated in the past.  But objectively speaking you want the guy that wants a real relationship with you that is attractive, fun and attentive.

To get over him, take off the rose colored glasses and realize that he really isn't that wonderful.  Not as a friend, not as a FWB, not as a real relationship.  He pretty much took a crap all over you.  Work wise, treat him the same way you would a co-worker that isn't pulling his/her weight.  Don't cover for him.  For me first step is email and I don't typically copy the world unless I know the manager wants to be on this email or it is also a handoff where the manager told me to contact the person.  Second step is phone call and I respond to the initial email with "thanks for talking to me, as we discussed on the phone ...xyz". Third is manager is copied on the email asking when it will be done and if there is someone that can help if he/she has other deadlines with priorities ahead of this.  In theory his manager should be signing off on someone else taking impromptu vacation when they haven't finished work for a major deadline. Be helpful without letting the other person be helpless and shift all the work to you unrecognized.  If at the end of the day manager say it has to go to you, you should something shifted off your plate to focus or at a minimum get recognized that they needed you to keep everything on your plate plus carry his workload while he did not.

So bottom line is focus on keeping your dignity, not on the hurt or end of the relationship.  Also realize, it sometimes it isn't so much losing the person he is but losing the dreams/fantasy you had  and facing the reality of not fulfilling what you feel is missing from your life.  For example, I remember being so upset with a soon to be SIL that I had a long, rambling vent on DCUM.  Everyone thought I was crazy to be upset but there was one person that cut to the heart of the matter and suggested that I was hurt because the relationship was not going to meet my hopes.  It forced me to realize I am not close to my own sisters (huge age gap, different personality) and had transferred my hope for a close sister relationship onto my SIL.  When she could care less if I attended her bridal shower that was the sign that my hopes not only weren't realistic, but I may never have that close sister or like sister bond with anyone in my lifetime.  The latter was a bitter pill to swallow.  But being able to accept that, I was able to move forward and not be as needy/hung up/hurt by SIL.[/quote]

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