My dad wants to divorce my mom

[Anonymous]

Both in early 60s. My mom is a nightmare. Always has been. Good hearted but just immature and selfish. She and my dad are not compatible. He stayed for the kids and because he felt a responsibility toward my mom and us kids. My youngest sister just got married, and I think that is the catalyst for my dad realizing is done. He drunkenly shared yesterday with me that he wants to live the rest of his years in peace. Something my mother sadly affords none of us. My mother will be absolutely devastated. And in her pain and because of her personality, I worry about her attempting suicide. She has done it twice before.

[Anonymous]

Continued, sorry my phone won't let me post in one post. Anyway, in a way, I don't blame my dad one bit. My mom is very difficult to deal with and uncompromising. But in a way, I worry about her. I worry about my younger adult siblings. They will be devastated. I am not sure why I am.posting here. I think I just need advice. I will remain neutral. But I know once this starts, it will be a shit storm for years for all of us. I am anxious and scared.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Your mom sounds mentally ill. Do you think she would be open to therapy for herself? There's also the possibility that your dad is just venting and won't go through with it. He's been with her a long time and there's probably some codependency there.

My inlaws got divorced a few years ago and my MIL has become bitter and unbearable, expects her adult children not to see their father. It has made family visits a nightmare. It sucks that you are stuck in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are going through this OP. My parents are both good stable people but divorced after nearly 40 years of marriage. My siblings and I were devastated. It's almost worse as an adult to deal with divorcing parents because not only do you have to deal with the split, you are also old enough to worry about each one in terms of health, finances, loneliness, etc.

Their divorce truly has changed the path of my life. For about 5 years it was awful and now it's just manageable.

I wish you good luck here.

[Anonymous]

One of the worst things about my parents divorce when I was an adult was that I then became responsible for both of them, financially, health, emotionally etc. I am an only child and it was awful. Yes my Dad got to live his life in peace but at my expense and I am resentful. Although I do get it. It's exhausting. I wonder who your dad thinks is going to manage your mom, but she will be in much more devastated emotional state. I'm just not sure I could do that to my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst things about my parents divorce when I was an adult was that I then became responsible for both of them, financially, health, emotionally etc. I am an only child and it was awful. Yes my Dad got to live his life in peace but at my expense and I am resentful. Although I do get it. It's exhausting. I wonder who your dad thinks is going to manage your mom, but she will be in much more devastated emotional state. I'm just not sure I could do that to my own kids.

This.
I'm sorry OP. Honestly, your dad is being selfish. He made the choice to stay in the marriage, supposedly for you and your siblings. I guess he thinks he gets to just walk away. Who does he think is going to take care of your mom after his departure sends her into a tailspin...Oh wait: You and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst things about my parents divorce when I was an adult was that I then became responsible for both of them, financially, health, emotionally etc. I am an only child and it was awful. Yes my Dad got to live his life in peace but at my expense and I am resentful. Although I do get it. It's exhausting. I wonder who your dad thinks is going to manage your mom, but she will be in much more devastated emotional state. I'm just not sure I could do that to my own kids.

This.
I'm sorry OP. Honestly, your dad is being selfish. He made the choice to stay in the marriage, supposedly for you and your siblings. I guess he thinks he gets to just walk away. Who does he think is going to take care of your mom after his departure sends her into a tailspin...Oh wait: You and your siblings.

Maybe you could hook old mom up with a support system first - like move her into a nice retirement village first. Nothing says that you have to put up with mom's bulls&$t all the time. Maybe she'd meet someone that would make her happy there. In any case you do not have to allow someone to suck the life out of you. 'Attempted' suicides seem like a big manipulation.

Also you could encourage dad to just relocate without divorcing. Or for him to 'go on some long trips', see if that is less devastating for her.
I know couples where the man 'lives in the UK' supposedly for 'health insurance' or one spouse lives two states away but visits sometimes. One friend actually remains married to her DH but has lived separately for 10+ years so he can stay on her health plan - he is mentally ill and he would have been destitute had she cut him off. It's not like you have to remarry at 60+ - your dad could still have a life without divorcing your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst things about my parents divorce when I was an adult was that I then became responsible for both of them, financially, health, emotionally etc. I am an only child and it was awful. Yes my Dad got to live his life in peace but at my expense and I am resentful. Although I do get it. It's exhausting. I wonder who your dad thinks is going to manage your mom, but she will be in much more devastated emotional state. I'm just not sure I could do that to my own kids.

This.
I'm sorry OP. Honestly, your dad is being selfish. He made the choice to stay in the marriage, supposedly for you and your siblings. I guess he thinks he gets to just walk away. Who does he think is going to take care of your mom after his departure sends her into a tailspin...Oh wait: You and your siblings.

Of course he can leave if he wants or needs to. And you don't have to care for your mother if she is a manipulative emotionally abusive jerk. The man put his time in to make your lives and hers more comfortable for years and years - that's enough. Have some respect.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty selfish of your dad. Is he just dumping mom on you?

[Anonymous]

Crazy Mom needs to learn to take care of herself for a change. Let the man have at least a few decent years.

[Anonymous]

I think dad deserves some of his own life back. Is that the kids are launched. I feel for him! Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

6:47 has the right idea, give your mom a safety net. I know lots of older couples who lived apart with this arrangement. it was how it was done back in the day, mostly for financial reasons. The problem with a divorce this late is that there is usually several years of adjustment before it becomes the new normal, and it may be hard on everyone if your Mom is unstable.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your dad is being selfish at all. He is getting older and he is probably just tired. He wants to live out whatever years he has left in peace. Your mother will not kill herself. If she really wanted to do that she would have done it by now. She attempted it for attention and sympathy. She will go into a tailspin, but you absolutely do not have to sacrifice your life for her. Trust me, she will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty selfish of your dad. Is he just dumping mom on you?

How is t selfish to not want to be miserable for the rest of his life? The mom is an adult, she can deal.

[Anonymous]

let him do what he wants. he paid his dues. asking him to give "more" for the sake of others at this point, seems too much for anyone