My dad wants to divorce my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both in early 60s. My mom is a nightmare. Always has been. Good hearted but just immature and selfish. She and my dad are not compatible. He stayed for the kids and because he felt a responsibility toward my mom and us kids. My youngest sister just got married, and I think that is the catalyst for my dad realizing is done. He drunkenly shared yesterday with me that he wants to live the rest of his years in peace. Something my mother sadly affords none of us. My mother will be absolutely devastated. And in her pain and because of her personality, I worry about her attempting suicide. She has done it twice before.

Tough one. I actually don't think your dad is being selfish. It definitely sounds like he made a lot of sacrifices staying with her (although he should take some ownership for choosing her in the first place). I think it is worth discussing with him how likely it will be that their splitting will leave you and your siblings holding the bag in terms of elder care. He might be idealizing what his life will be like and what the consequences of his actions will be. Maybe they can come up with some sort of workable situation so at the very least they can remain in the same household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both in early 60s. My mom is a nightmare. Always has been. Good hearted but just immature and selfish. She and my dad are not compatible. He stayed for the kids and because he felt a responsibility toward my mom and us kids. My youngest sister just got married, and I think that is the catalyst for my dad realizing is done. He drunkenly shared yesterday with me that he wants to live the rest of his years in peace. Something my mother sadly affords none of us. My mother will be absolutely devastated. And in her pain and because of her personality, I worry about her attempting suicide. She has done it twice before.

Tough one. I actually don't think your dad is being selfish. It definitely sounds like he made a lot of sacrifices staying with her (although he should take some ownership for choosing her in the first place). I think it is worth discussing with him how likely it will be that their splitting will leave you and your siblings holding the bag in terms of elder care. He might be idealizing what his life will be like and what the consequences of his actions will be. Maybe they can come up with some sort of workable situation so at the very least they can remain in the same household.

+1. He has the right to do it, but you do not have to pretend away the impact it has on you. He needs some real talk about what divorced life will be like for the whole family.

OP, can your parents afford this? Your dad may not have an up to date understanding of the law, nor a realistic grasp on assisted loving costs. You have every right to ask him tough questions, as you will be the one dealing with it if things go badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst things about my parents divorce when I was an adult was that I then became responsible for both of them, financially, health, emotionally etc. I am an only child and it was awful. Yes my Dad got to live his life in peace but at my expense and I am resentful. Although I do get it. It's exhausting. I wonder who your dad thinks is going to manage your mom, but she will be in much more devastated emotional state. I'm just not sure I could do that to my own kids.

PP, I am sorry that you are finding it hard to manage. I understand as I am an only child. My parents were divorced when I was young. My father died a few years ago and the last few years I was responsible for a lot of his care. But I don't blame my mother for that, I blame him for not taking care of his own health and finances. Your parents have a RIGHT to live in peace, they deserve their own bit of happiness. You need to find your own way and your own happiness and not blame mom and dad for seeking theirs. If your parents were together would you not want to help the one parent take care of the other if need be? It's hard, very hard but it's not something he did to you, you will relieve a lot of the emotional burden if you come to terms with that. You are not responsible for the emotional health of any other person. You are responsible for being kind and respectful and caring, but you cannot be the source of someone's healthy emotional well-being. Maybe you need to work on boundaries -- to be fair to yourself. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both in early 60s. My mom is a nightmare. Always has been. Good hearted but just immature and selfish. She and my dad are not compatible. He stayed for the kids and because he felt a responsibility toward my mom and us kids. My youngest sister just got married, and I think that is the catalyst for my dad realizing is done. He drunkenly shared yesterday with me that he wants to live the rest of his years in peace. Something my mother sadly affords none of us. My mother will be absolutely devastated. And in her pain and because of her personality, I worry about her attempting suicide. She has done it twice before.

Tough one. I actually don't think your dad is being selfish. It definitely sounds like he made a lot of sacrifices staying with her (although he should take some ownership for choosing her in the first place). I think it is worth discussing with him how likely it will be that their splitting will leave you and your siblings holding the bag in terms of elder care. He might be idealizing what his life will be like and what the consequences of his actions will be. Maybe they can come up with some sort of workable situation so at the very least they can remain in the same household.

+1. He has the right to do it, but you do not have to pretend away the impact it has on you. He needs some real talk about what divorced life will be like for the whole family.

OP, can your parents afford this? Your dad may not have an up to date understanding of the law, nor a realistic grasp on assisted loving costs. You have every right to ask him tough questions, as you will be the one dealing with it if things go badly.

Lol, this. My dad once threatened divorce and said he "wasn't gonna pay no godd*mn alimony". Little did he know, laws have changed since the 50s. His friend who is a lawyer sat him down for a little chat and he was flabbergastred. D*mn women's libbers!

[Anonymous]

And, whatever happens, seek some therapy to set some boundaries with your mother. You won't be able to support her emotionally, nor take on all that your father does now.

As for your dad, do ask him to consider the financial implications of all of it and make wise choices to help with both of them through their aging. And remember too, you don't have to be your dad's counselor through all this, emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Why is your dad telling you about the divorce before his wife? Not fair to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your dad telling you about the divorce before his wife? Not fair to you.

+1. Coward.

[Anonymous]

I think it is good to prepare your adult children.

My parents divorced when I was 30. Has been the best thing for both of them...they are both so much happier.

My mom is pretty insane too. Honestly you have to learn to distance yourself from it. If you get too wrapped up in her shit, mine gets worse because of the attention. When mine starts hinting suicide I tell her to knock it off and get a bit distant. When it doesn't have the desire effect, she stops. She doesn't mean it, just does it when she is feeling a drama deficit. Not sure if that would work on yours. Just remember, you are not responsible for her decisions and can't revolve your life around her. That is what she wants. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

If my dad or mom decided to tell me they were going to divorce the other while drunk and before telling the other parent, I would lose all respect for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, both of your parents have poor boundaries. I absolutely concur with the suggestion to find a therapist who specializes in helping to set boundaries with family members and go see him/her. You will be amazed at what you will learn and how much better you will feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my dad or mom decided to tell me they were going to divorce the other while drunk and before telling the other parent, I would lose all respect for them.

Really? So, your entire childhood, teen years and adulthood were characterized by 100% respectful perfect behavior?
Do you also still believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus? You are old enough to realize that your parents are real, fallible people.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, almost same thing with my parents, except my mom is a mean alcoholic with possibly several undiagnosed mental disorders. She's toxic.

The divorce was beyond rough. Beyond.

Dad is happier and eventually found a very nice also divorced woman and they have had a long term calm companionship for the 20 some years since my parents divorced.

My mom is still an alcoholic. She hates dad, and me and my siblings for many things that aren't our fault. She has had a few toxic, failed relationships, can't hold a job, and has even driven her own siblings away with her hate and bitterness. I cannot express to you what a broken person she is.

My dad still is in contact with her family, they have dinner occasionally, etc.

She's tried to sue her siblings for a situation they were not at all at fault for. Everyone has cut her out of their lives in self defense. 2 of her former friends have warned my sister to never let mom into her life again.

I sincerely hope this does not happen to you or your parents. My advice is, if it does, do not let your mom take you over the edge of the cliff with her.

It's very sad, and not the way anyone wants their parents marriage to end.

But if it does, preserve your family and sanity.

This may seem dramatic and contrived, but my grandmother, who was very ill, died while my mother was visiting her. Alone. Although no foul play was found, my mothers siblings can't shake the awful feeling my mom may have done something to precipitate my grandma's death. There's no crazy public accusations or scenes in which anyone accused my mom of it, just a creepy, subtle, lingering feeling of something that just isn't right about how it happened

Super terrible.

I hope my post didn't depress you further, I am sure it did. Sorry. But things that happen like this can spin out of control.

There's a chance your mom could change. She could go low, recover, and then start a new life. I am positive my mom's alcoholism plays a huge factor in her crazy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my dad or mom decided to tell me they were going to divorce the other while drunk and before telling the other parent, I would lose all respect for them.

Really? So, your entire childhood, teen years and adulthood were characterized by 100% respectful perfect behavior?
Do you also still believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus? You are old enough to realize that your parents are real, fallible people.

My parents wouldn't pull that crap.

[Anonymous]

he's obviously having an affair and it would be best for him to leave his AP.

[Anonymous]

If your mom decided to kill herself that is her choice and it is considerably more selfish than your dad deciding he is tired of her bullshit and wants to be free.