Husband's family is ALWAYS late
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Anonymous
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I know that it's a cultural thing (they are Latino), but I can't stand that my husbands family is always late and disorganized. Here are some examples:
1) they were supposed to drive to DC from NY to help us move a few months ago. Promised they'd be there at noon on Friday. Instead, decided to spend the entire day shopping and last minute decided to visit friends. They showed up at 12 midnight (36 hours late!) expecting us to be awake (or wake up) and start loading things into their truck. The entire weekend, they had been telling us they were on the way. 2) We're all on vacation and getting ready to go meet some extended family for lunch at 12:30. At 12:30, no one but me is ready to go, despite me letting everyone know that the restaurant is a half hour drive from our hotel. At 1:00, my BIL is running a bubble bath for himself, despite everyone telling him we are already late. He replies "I'll be 20 minutes, tops!" When we finally got to the restaurant at 2pm, we didn't even order DRINKS until 30 minutes later because they were too busy talking. The waitress came over probably half a dozen times and each time they would say "come back in a few minutes, we'rejust catching up." 3) Same vacation, FIL had to leave 4 days early to get back to work, leaving MIL without a car for the remaining 4 days of vacay. I did have my car however, because DH and I drove separately. MIL had plans with friends and family in the area but made NO plans to rent a car or anything, so she made us chauffeur her around for the remainder of the vacation. Refused to take an uber. Not only did we have to drive her and pick her up from everywhere, but we also had to wait hours for her to be ready since she is never ready when she says she will be. 4) DH and I had to move in with them for a few months. It was our only option at the time. They were SO excited and kept telling us they'd have our room (used to be BIL's teenage room, FILLED to the brim with crap) cleaned out and looking nice. We arrive on move-in day and nothing in the room is touched. We had to spend the first two days not unpacking, just cleaning out the room from top to bottom. She couldn't even be bothered to wash the dirty clothes on the floor. When DH asked if she could help us out since it was the weekend and she wasn't working, she pouted and whined, "but papiiiii, I'm so tired, I can't." 5) They've showed up on our doorstep (when we lived 3 states away!!!!) with no warning, ready to stay for the weekend or longer. They don't plan anything ahead. I have literally seen them decide to go to South America two hours before a plane leaves. 6) MIL was 2 hours late to our wedding. Showed up minutes before I was going to walk down the aisle, no apology or anything. I don't think she even knew she was late. They are lazy, unorganized, never on time, and inconsiderate of others time. I feel bad because above this, they really are nice people. I love them and they love us. They help us out a lot and have done so much for us. But everytime I see them, it just irks me to no end when something like this happens. Dozens and dozens of instances and I haven't gotten used to it yet. DH tries to hurry them along, even getting firm with them when they are late or unorganized, but they NEVER change. I come from a family who tries their best to always be on time and I am the type of person who feels like if I'm not 5 minutes early, I'm late. I guess this is just more of a vent than anything, but has anyone ever experienced a family like this? Did you ever get used to it, or am I going to live a life of being annoyed by my in laws everytime I see them? |
Anonymous
| My XILs were the same, the freedom from the stress all that miscommunication created still is intensely liberating 10 years later! |
Anonymous
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My husband's family is also the same way. (Latino as well). I just plan around it and make sure that I never, ever depend on them. They are very nice and I love them. It's just who they are. They also like me but think I am a little crazy and need to relax, so it works both ways. My family heritage is German and it took me a long time not to get frustrated and annoyed. But they aren't going to change so I had to change my outlook.
Several months ago my husband's cousin was supposed to babysit for us so we could have a date night and stay in a hotel. It was all arranged by my husband. She arrived at midnight instead of 6pm. I was ready to go out at 6 but knew it would likely not happen, so I just mentally prepared myself. We ended up just going and sleeping in the hotel. Whatever. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, they will never change. I think you have to adjust your expectations especially if they do help you out. This is a very cultural thing (South Asians are like this as well, although, maybe not to this degree - but have have seen at weddings where people miss the ceremony because they think surely it won't start on time). |
Anonymous
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My ILs are similar - always late (by hours), unreliable, make plans they don't keep, etc.
They were supposed to take care of something for us while we were out of town one time, decided at the last second that maybe they couldn't, and had us running around in circles during our vacation trying to find a back up, before they decided (at the point that it had become an emergency) they could do it after all. They are constantly throwing out dates for the family to get together and then after tons of phone calls discussing it, nothing materializes. Or they ask to come visit us (hour drive away), and then call an hour before they're supposed to arrive to say they're just getting out of bed, or call an hour after they were supposed to arrive to say they're not coming after all. I've learned my lesson - NEVER rely on them for help. If DH asks for help, I assume they won't come through and make sure we have a back up plan. I consider plans with them tentative until we are actually in the same room. So I won't block off a day for a visit that will probably be cancelled at the last second - I make alternate plans. I don't expect them to ever be on time, so I don't worry about being ready to go or arriving to a party at the time they say. (They are also the types to call a BBQ for 2pm and not start the grill until 4.) The ILs are who they are. You need to take control of YOUR choices. Don't rely on them to show up or help. You want a drink, order a drink! MIL is hours late, leave without her, or say you have plans and aren't available to drive her. Etc. |
Anonymous
| It sounds frustrating and very well may be cultural; however, my nanny's family is Latino and they are very hard working and extremely dependable. The most any of them have ever been late (to a party we've had at our house) is 30 minutes (which isn't late). The advice the other PP gave seems good here. Do NOT expect them to come through w/ regarding to plans. If they show up, consider it a welcome addition. The moving story reminds me of the difference between east coast and west coast. My DH who grew up on the east coast (never being late) went to grad school out west. He joked that in CA, people tell you they'll help you move and then that day no one shows up expecting everyone one else do pitch in. While on the east coast, that rarely happens. BTW, my ILs are Americans, but they are frustrating in other ways. Namely, my MIL is extremely cold and pretty selfish. I would just focus on the parts you like about them and enjoy those things. |
Anonymous
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OMG!
All of you can kick rocks! I know plenty of Latino people who are not as late or ever late in the manner in which you describe . Screw all of you for trying to say it's something inherently a part of being a Latino . I know compulsively late people who are racial and ethnic backgrounds you all should be ashamed of yourselves. |
Anonymous
| I had to deal with a friend who was late to most things (not too the degree you mention). She was always 30-90 minutes late. I just started telling her everything started an hour before it really did and she was often on time or just a little late. With your in-laws I would just start telling them that everything starts 2 hours before it really does. That will start relieving some of the stress "Yes, lunch is at 10am. It was the only time they let me make a reservation!". |
Anonymous
NP here. Our Latina nanny of over a decade told me, "We Latinos are always late. That's how we are." Thankfully, her previous employer drilled into her the importance of being on time for work, but every party and celebration we have gone to with her family and friends has started way late and ended way late. No big deal. Not casting racial stones. Just telling you what was told to me and what we have experienced. |
Anonymous
Oh please. It's called a generalization. Nobody is saying that every single Latino on the face of the earth is late all the time for everything. Yes, different cultures view time differently. Nobody is judging anybody here, just trying to cope with cultural difference. |
Anonymous
Yep. Did this with my brother. |
Anonymous
| Yep - you just make your own plans and don't rely on them. This is how my father in law and SIL are too. They are great people, and I don't plan anything around them that has to be set in stone. Or, we just go ahead without them, ask to meet them there, order without them at a restaurant, etc. You can only control yourself, so you do that, and let them be late. It is maddening otherwise. |
Anonymous
| My family = your ILs. You are never going to convince these people to completely change. My family has improved since I got married but they had more situational lateness (on time to work, always crazy late for social things but they were early to my wedding) and them improving still means just accepting they will always be at least 10-15 minutes late. What you can change is your attitude. I think it's important to remember that a lot of people who are always late it is basically because they frequently underestimate how long things take and not because they are intentionally trying to disrespect your time. Additionally, you should feel free to set some boundaries. Being late is one thing but your MIL assuming you can taxi her around is a separate issue and I think you would have been within your rights to just gently tell her you had other plans. Pretty sure she would have just taken a cab/uber if she really thought you not taking her was a real possibility. |
Anonymous
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I attribute this to ADHD myself, particularly as it's hereditary to some degree. I know plenty of people from different cultures and nationalities, and those families who are chronically late ALL have the symptoms of ADHD. Europeans, Asians, Americans, etc. Such as my husband - it's draining and exhausting when he doesn't take his meds. I've given up waiting for my BIL, who doesn't even realize he has ADHD. Don't ever try to schedule something with people like this. If you go somewhere with them, make sure it's a place that will still take you even if you're hours late. If you eat with them, start by yourself if they're late, or prepare something for your kids at least. Learn to never rely on them. Which is really difficult to do if it's your spouse! |
Anonymous
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I wish I could be more like this. Except for how crazy it makes you, it's a better way to live. No one worries about schedules too much, everyone is always happy to be together whenever/however it happens, if plans fall through, no one much cares, they don't give up a pleasure now because they have an appointment later, they don't stress about a trip for weeks in advance ...
I'm a typical get-there-early-and-have-the-guest-room-spotless planner. I think there's less joy in my life, honestly. |