Very strange predicament - paternity test?
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Anonymous
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Back in 2004, I became pregnant with my son. The only "relationship" I can recall was with my husband, on election day night. Two weeks later, I was on a business trip and had too much wine one night. I recall a cohort hitting on me, trying to kiss me, but I declined given that I was married and had zero interest. However, I do remember feeling especially dizzy that evening, surprising given the wine I had. Woke up the next morning in my hotel room, no problems at all.
Fast forward 12 years later, I am looking at pictures of my son, who continues to bear virtually zero resemblance to my husband. However, I am friends with the aforementioned cohort on Facebook and am jaw-dropped amazed at how closely my son resembles him. Anyone objectively would certainly say that my son resembles my cohort far more than he resembles my husband. Now it's making me wonder if perhaps my cohort dropped something in my drink that night back in 2004 and took advantage of me afterwards. My pregnancy test became positive exactly two weeks after that business trip evening (or, alternatively, 3.5 weeks after election day evening celebration). Before I totally freak out, I realize that one child can bear zero resemblance to one parent and very close resemblance to another. However, I'm thinking of doing a paternity test secretly - perhaps I could say it's under the auspices of a lineage DNA test - just to clear my mind once and for all. But if it turns out that my son is not my husband's son, holy hell, that would be a huge landmine. I think I need to do this just for a peace of mind and for closure. Any thoughts, ideas, or recommendations? |
Anonymous
| Omg. |
Anonymous
| Do you mean coworker? A person from your cohort? Please explain. |
Anonymous
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So, the two options are
1) Your child is your husband's and happens to not look like him. 2) Your child was conceived through date rape. If you do the paternity test, and it comes back that your husband isn't the father, then what would you do? Would you take the steps to force a paternity test on this guy, and bring rape charges? Would that make your life, or your child's life better in any way? If he was found guilty, it might be a good move to protect other women, but how likely is it that you could prove anything about a sexual encounter 12 years ago? I would probably keep this particular stone unturned. I know the right thing would be to bring charges, but I wouldn't destroy my kid's life like that, because selfishly, I love him more than the women I'd be protecting. |
Anonymous
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Ha ha, OP here. No, I am definitely NOT a troll, promise! And fine, if you don't like the word "cohort", use "colleague" instead. It's a synonym for cohort, so there.
Back to the point, no, not a troll.... |
Anonymous
| Cohort is a group. It does not mean colleague. |
Anonymous
+1,000,000 This gains neither you nor your son anything. |
Anonymous
| I am not buying the you don't remember part. I think you remember too many details from 12 years ago for you to have happened to stumble across a Facebook picture and then said that might be my son's father. The recall of the dates with such precision 12 years ago makes me think you suspected this at the time and perhaps had a consensual encounter that you now realize might have led to the pregnancy. I am not victim blaming if in fact you were drugged, mind you, that is a horrible thing and I hope that wasn't the case. What I am saying is how can you be so precise in the recollections of the dates if you weren't putting two and two together at the time. |
Anonymous
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Oh Good Lord, you all think that I am a troll. I am not a troll. I wish I were a troll, lol.
For the person who thinks I am being too precise with the dates such that I can't remember the specifics. FWIW, the election date of 2004 is an easy date to remember. The business trip from two weeks later is also an easy date because I have a group picture that has the dates listed, so that's easy to remember. I will never forget the date of the night that I took the pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant - that is another easy one to remember. I don't get why you think this "precision" with dates means that I should have pinpoint recollection of a night where, like I said, I had a bit too much wine but whereby I also think that I may have been slipped a date-rape drug? Whatever, though, you keep calling me troll and I'm fine with that. I do appreciate the substantive comments that others have provided, though - the "leave this stone unturned" comment was especially helpful. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think that right now, it sounds like either nothing happened - you had some wine, your colleague was creepy, you brushed him off, and you were already pregnant with a son who looks nothing like your husband - or you were raped by your colleague after he spiked your drink and became pregnant as a result of that encounter. Setting aside how f-ed up and wrong the second scenario is, you could also consider things like your son's birthday in relation to the potential dates of conception (election night and the other night). Was he large when he was born? Did he come early? These are questions that might help you with some of the baby-related math.
As for your current situation, I think that truthfully, if I was in your situation, I would try to forget about it and continue with my life. Bringing this up will bring a world of pain onto your entire family, and for what? The only thing I can think of would be to get your son his accurate family medical history. But doing so will tell a 12yo boy that his mother was sexually assaulted, that his father is a rapist who poisoned a woman to rape her, and that the man he's always thought was his father is not his biological father after all. Your husband may not believe you that it wasn't consensual (like that PP up thread who suggested that this is a situation where you regret sex you had willingly and are now trying to cover your tracks because your son looks like the man you slept with). I see few benefits to exploring this further, but I can understand why it's hard for you not to. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I'm sorry some people are brushing off your story, Whatever happened to giving credence to the victim? However, please think about what you are about to do: what will you do if your husband finds out you ordered a paternity test? Even if your son is his son too, he will be upset that there was doubt. What will you do if your son turns out to be this other person's son? So don't rush into a decision - mull it over again. |
Anonymous
OP here, thanks, these are really helpful insights. Those are some great points about the timing and size. Our son was born pretty much exactly 9 months to the date of conception (so August 4, when election day night was November 4). He was also a relatively small/normal baby - 6 pounds, 9 ounces. I'm certain I'm just overreacting and that these FB pictures of my colleague (there, to the cohort snippets, lol) are just messing with my head. FWIW, my son also closely resembles my dad, eerily so, so I'm a big believer in genetics and how they can really influence the physical and facial characteristics of a person. Ok, I'll just put this whole subject to rest and won't pursue it any further, you've helped to talk me back from the ledge. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
| Why are you Facebook friends with a creepy random old colleague who tried to make out with you? |
Anonymous
| Take this to your grave. |
Anonymous
This. Really no good will come of further investigation. Your life is good now. Leave it alone. |