Partner's mom choosing time with ex-DIL she doesn't like over me

[Anonymous]

Partner and I are both divorced and in our 40s, we each have kids. Been together for several years and maintain different households in 2 cities for work/logistical reasons (to keep the kids in their own school districts). His ex-wife is not held in high esteem by his family, though they treat her respectfully and even generously. She has mental illness, has not been a present mother (does not have custody). Partner's mom has a heart of gold and also wants to keep things positive for the kids (in their teens). His mom treats me well and expresses gratitude for how happy her son is with me, and shows what seems like genuine affection.

But--not for the first time, she just cancelled plans on me this weekend to spend time with partner's ex-wife. She's complaining about it (and will afterwards), as if she doesn't have a choice. I feel really hurt that I come second. This happened this last Christmas, too.

Partner is out of town for most of his mom's visit (she came to be with her grandkids while he's on an extended business trip). I'm trying to bite my tongue when he asks how things are going.

[Anonymous]

Repeat after me:

"The kids always come first".

The lady is entitled to caring for her grandchildren when their father is traveling.
You have to learn to anticipate these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Repeat after me:

"The kids always come first".

The lady is entitled to caring for her grandchildren when their father is traveling.
You have to learn to anticipate these things.

How does this have anything to do with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Repeat after me:

"The kids always come first".

The lady is entitled to caring for her grandchildren when their father is traveling.
You have to learn to anticipate these things.

How does this have anything to do with the kids?

Quote from OP: her partner's mother "came to be with her grandkids while he's (OP's partner) on an extended business trip", and that's why she cancelled on OP. In my world, that's fair enough. Kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Repeat after me:

"The kids always come first".

The lady is entitled to caring for her grandchildren when their father is traveling.
You have to learn to anticipate these things.

How does this have anything to do with the kids?

Quote from OP: her partner's mother "came to be with her grandkids while he's (OP's partner) on an extended business trip", and that's why she cancelled on OP. In my world, that's fair enough. Kids come first.

I read it that she's in town because of the grandkids, and she'll be with them one way or another. The ex doesn't have the kids. But she cancelled on OP to spend time with the ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I read it that she's in town because of the grandkids, and she'll be with them one way or another. The ex doesn't have the kids. But she cancelled on OP to spend time with the ex-wife.

Not sure how you came up with that, given that OP describes how the grandma complains about the ex, and that OP writes on two occasions that the grandma cares for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Im thinking Grandma is spending time with kids and kids mom. So mom can see kids & Grandma together

Understandable but disappointing

[Anonymous]

OP here. My partner has full custody of his kids. By her choice, the ex sees the kids every few weeks for a few hours (though she lives in the same town). Grandma is staying in partner's house with the kids full-time.

The ex-wife wants to come over for the weekend and hang out. I think she likes her former MIL, enjoys the kindness and attention. Understandable. The ex has no boundaries and just invites herself over and I think partner's mom just doesn't know how to set a limit.

In the past when it happens, grandma is disgusted by how the ex ignores her kids and just wants to talk about herself (including personal details of her sex life with boyfriends, etc.). Grandma then tells me she really wishes she could have spent that time with me. I think she even means it.

[Anonymous]

Would it be possible for your partner and yourself to invite the kids to the house you share so that your partner's mother can come to you AND see her grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible for your partner and yourself to invite the kids to the house you share so that your partner's mother can come to you AND see her grandchildren?

We don't share a house. Partner has his own house. His mom is staying in that house with the kids. She asked me to come spend the weekend. Now she said that's not possible because the ex-wife invited herself over for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible for your partner and yourself to invite the kids to the house you share so that your partner's mother can come to you AND see her grandchildren?

We don't share a house. Partner has his own house. His mom is staying in that house with the kids. She asked me to come spend the weekend. Now she said that's not possible because the ex-wife invited herself over for the weekend.

Ooh, now I understand. (You could have explained it a little better in your OP.)

What about a joint vacation somewhere with "MIL" and all the kids?

[Anonymous]

You've been together several years and do not live together, maintaining separate homes with your respective children. He's not your partner. He's your boyfriend. His mother may believe the relationship is not serious and spending time with you isn't a priority for her. I would be careful with his mother. She's gossiping to you about her exDIL, saying she would rather spend the time with you. I wouldn't trust that woman.

[Anonymous]

You're allowed to be hurt by this. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, besides that validation. She made her choice, it's rude, but I'm sure she has her reasons which probably have a lot to do with her grandkids. You seem to be secure in the idea that she likes you more than the ex. So it is what it is. You can say something to her, or sweep it under the rug, or choose not to take it personally. But it's ok to have your feelings hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've been together several years and do not live together, maintaining separate homes with your respective children. He's not your partner. He's your boyfriend. His mother may believe the relationship is not serious and spending time with you isn't a priority for her. I would be careful with his mother. She's gossiping to you about her exDIL, saying she would rather spend the time with you. I wouldn't trust that woman.

+1

You don't have standing. I know you are wanting to play up the importance of this relationship (and I encourage you to turn a critical eye on it, but whatever), but you cannot expect anyone else to view it like you do. When people natter on about their "partners" and by looking at their life I can't tell if the partnership is business or personal, then I feel like, come back when you are married or at least living together and then I'll start caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible for your partner and yourself to invite the kids to the house you share so that your partner's mother can come to you AND see her grandchildren?

We don't share a house. Partner has his own house. His mom is staying in that house with the kids. She asked me to come spend the weekend. Now she said that's not possible because the ex-wife invited herself over for the weekend.

Grandma likes you more but it's obvious that she is accepting to the exs invites FOR THE KIDS! Don't think twice about it sulk. Do you get along with the ex? Go over there and all hang out. If not don't think twice. It's seriously for the kids. Grandma doesn't want to turn away their birth mom when dad is out of town. She may be shitty but it's still their birth mom.

Enjoy your weeeknd alone!