when your preschooler hits
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Anonymous
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My older child has occasionally hit when she gets angry but now, at 3.5, she's recently started this phase where she immediately starts swinging when she dislikes what we tell her. An example would be we've given her a warning that in 5 minutes, it will be time to put on shoes to leave for day care (you know, then the countdown at 2 min or whatever so she's aware we are getting closer to the time to go). Then its time and she says "NO!" and I say, "yes, I told you were had to leave soon and now its time to go". This also applies to other scenarios that don't involve us leaving her at day care (in case anyone will respond that its her way of saying she doesn't like being left there). Then she hits me. If I tell her at eye level "we don't hit in our home", she just starts screaming at me. If I walk away, she will hit my toddler. If I pick up my toddler and walk away, she will follow us and still hit me.
I'm at a loss for how to respond. My husband and I would like to find something that we can do the same way every time but it seems nothing works until she cools off. In those few minutes when she is upset, she hits a handful of times. We've tried time outs where she sits separately and she won't stay where we've told her to sit. (She will if its a smaller infraction, but when she's this fired up, nothing works). When she's cooled down, after a few minutes, she really just needs a hug and responds to that. But when she's fired up, we don't try to touch her. Not sure if just picking up my other child and walking away and ignoring her hitting is an option, but I feel like it still doesn't address the fact that she needs to understand its not ok to hit. I'd love to know what works in your homes if your child hits. |
Anonymous
| Same boat, but with a much younger child. 16 month old hits me in the face to express anger/displeasure. Following for tips! |
Anonymous
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I have a friend with a now 5 yo who hits and bites still. She follows the strategy of not escalating so letting the kid do what she wants then give her a hug to calm her down. Its complete BS because theres no consequence for the behavior.
When your daughter is calm tell her that there is a new rule starting that every time she hits she will get a 3 min time out. If she doesnt stay in time out then she will lose x amount of screen time instead ( or dessert of whatever she likes that you can take away from her) You have to be consistent every single time, and both parents/ caregivers need to all be on the same page. |
Anonymous
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My 3.5 year old does this sometimes too. Or bites on purpose. If I can, I physically hold his arms when I see him about to do this. He has always refused to stay in time out so I accompany him to his room, sit with my back against the door (inside), and physically restrain him if he starts thrashing, kicking, etc, so that he doesn't hurt himself or me. When it's really bad I have to carry him kicking and screaming up the stairs, which fortunately I'm still able to do. He usually calms down in a couple minutes. Also wants a hug, like your child, but I insist he apologize for whatever the infraction was before he leaves the room.
I also have a 2 month old. Haven't yet encountered a situation where I've had to seriously discipline DS while alone with the two of them. That would be much harder. I guess in that case I would use loss of a privilege, like screen time or dessert, rather than time out, since I might not be physically able to enforce the timeout if I were trying to deal with the baby. The one rule DH and I have hit on is to never threaten something we won't or can't follow through on. So if I could not physically enforce the timeout or might not have the patience to do it properly (ie sit in his room for as long as it takes for him to calm down and get an apology) because of the baby, I would not threaten it. Good luck. It's really frustrating, especially because at 3.5 you know they know better and are doing it on purpose. |
Anonymous
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3.5 is such a tough age. They know better, but they can't yet do better when their emotions are running high. I think you CAN just ignore. It will teach her that hitting isn't effective, so she will stop. You can also talk about what TO do when she's mad like that -hit a pillow, stomp, etc. My kid liked stomping - it got the physical aggression out, made noise, and was a little taboo to boot! It wasn't great behavior to encourage, true, but it didn't risk hurting anyone, and the phase only lasted a few months.
16 MO is totally different - just redirect, don't respond, etc. That baby is too young to make a decision to hit, so you can't hope to influence the decision yet. For both, the book Hand Are Not For Hitting was surprisingly effective. I don't know why kids respond to that, but mine did. |
Anonymous
| With my almost 3 year old, hitting is a swift and automatic trip to the naughty chair. I say "No hitting" plop her there, set the time for 2 minutes and walk away. She wails for 2 minutes, I come get her and tell No hitting again and give some snuggles. She really only hits when she is tired. The time out just gives us a little separation and time to redirect from whatever was causing the hitting. |
Anonymous
| Thanks to those who responded! There are a few ideas to implement and see what happens. |
Anonymous
| Our 26 month old has started hitting on occasion too. Its hard because I rationally know that she doesn't have control of her temper and just lashes out but boy does it piss me off. I immediately grab her hand if I see it swinging back in the hitting motion and say "we do not hit". If I don't catch it in time and she actually hits me or her father (hasn't tried her sister yet) she gets an immediate time out and then once she has calmed down she has to apologize for hitting. So far that has worked. We also talk later on about how we do not hit, etc. Its a steep learning curve at this age! Gotta keep following through though! |
Anonymous
This is really good advice, and I agree wholeheartedly. 3 was a really rough age for my DS, and he had a lot of emotions that he was struggling with. He almost never had tantrums when he was 2 but had more at age 3. It's also hard when there's a toddler and frustration about what it means to have to start sharing more (babies are somewhat easier for kids to deal with, but when they start walking and talking more and grabbing toys, etc., it can be really hard on older siblings). I suggest doing whatever you can to keep yourself and your toddler from getting hit but allowing her to do whatever she needs to do to get the anger out. She's obviously feeling big emotions and is having a hard time with them. I would say something like, "It's okay to be angry, but I'm not going to let you hit people. You can hit this [pillow, floor, etc]." If you can foresee the hitting coming, step back and try to get out of the way to avoid being hit. Stay nearby if you can be try to redirect to hitting something else. If you can't stay nearby without being hit, I would walk away and say, "I'm not going to let you hit me. I love you and am going to go to the other room until you're calmer." The more you help her express her emotions and let her know it's okay to be angry, the less she may need to do this. I also think this will blow over. The 5 year old one of the PPs mentioned is a different case than a 3 year old, in my opinion. A typically developing 5 year old is still struggling with emotions but should be able to avoid hitting in a fit of anger. Many 3 year olds cannot, and using the ignoring with a 3 year old is different than with a 5 year old. |
Anonymous
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Does this happen to over things you have to go to? Shopping ? Errands? Bed?
If not I'd leave the daycare. |
Anonymous
| We had this in a big way at 3.5 (currently 4 and hitting has diminished but been replaced by other things, sad to say). We went to a Dr Rene parenting class and I recommend that. Like PP said, stay calm and remove somebody (you, DC, both) from the situation. Don't escalate by punishing in the moment: focus on empathizing and deescalating, showing that you hear the frustration. Then after things calm down, say the consequence and follow through. It shouldnt be a surprise: my kid loses screen time and knows that is the penalty. |
Anonymous
| Meant to add, time out does not work for us at all. Thrown toys go on time out, but that's it. If we're at home and the situation calls for it, I may put her in her room and say I'll check back in one minute to see if she's ready to be calm, but that's a mixed bag as she'll often trash her room. Removing privileges works better for us. |
Anonymous
Yes, it can happen over anything that frustrates her- not specific to day care at all. |
Anonymous
| Thanks again everyone. Going to see if any of these work for us and also watch if it changes over the next handful of months. Largely we've found anything asking her to sit in one place or go to her room, etc hasn't worked for us, but we'll try some of the others! |
j2415
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3 years olds don’t intentionally hurt someone feelings because they don’t yet fully understand their emotions or anyone else’s emotions.
When my son was at that age, and he did something that hurts his playmate, I talked to him calmly and let him know what he did was not OK because it hurts someone’s feelings. If he wouldn’t listen, I put him to time-out. Praying for you and thank you for sharing. |