when your preschooler hits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend with a now 5 yo who hits and bites still. She follows the strategy of not escalating so letting the kid do what she wants then give her a hug to calm her down. Its complete BS because theres no consequence for the behavior.

When your daughter is calm tell her that there is a new rule starting that every time she hits she will get a 3 min time out. If she doesnt stay in time out then she will lose x amount of screen time instead ( or dessert of whatever she likes that you can take away from her)
You have to be consistent every single time, and both parents/ caregivers need to all be on the same page.

This was a terrible approach for our 3 year old and made the hitting worse. The only thing that helped was positive discipline and BRIEF timeouts at home (like 1 min max). Time outs at school made it much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

Automatic time out every single time.

[Anonymous]

I read an article that if the tantrums last a long time, they hurt you, or hurt themselves it could be something like ADHD going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read an article that if the tantrums last a long time, they hurt you, or hurt themselves it could be something like ADHD going on.

Do you have the article? I would love to read it.

[Anonymous]

j2415 wrote:3 years olds don’t intentionally hurt someone feelings because they don’t yet fully understand their emotions or anyone else’s emotions.
When my son was at that age, and he did something that hurts his playmate, I talked to him calmly and let him know what he did was not OK because it hurts someone’s feelings. If he wouldn’t listen, I put him to time-out.
Praying for you and thank you for sharing.

Thank you. I appreciate your support

[Anonymous]

We went through a phase like this, too--my non-hitting toddler started hitting in frustration when she was about 3.5. She almost only ever hit me, and I reacted the same every time--I said "no hitting," and then I walked away. Over and over again. When she was calm, I would give her a hug and we would talk about how hitting hurts and we don't hit people, but in the moment, hitting meant I left the room. She's almost four now and very rarely does she take a swing at me, and then only if she's utterly exhausted and melting down.

[Anonymous]

Not all hitting is the same type of hitting. As OP describes it, it sounds like frustration hitting where the DS doesn't have the impulse control to stop it. So more like a physical reaction to panic/anger feeling. Lots of kids go through this at that age. The only thing that really helps is time. Punishment won't do much, and may make it worse. If it were me, I'd make sure baby is okay, grab the hands and say with a firm, angry voice (no yelling) "We do NOT hit". And walk away and ignore. Come back in 2 minutes and say "Hey, I get that you were really frustrated about X, but here's the thing: You need to find another way to deal with your anger. We have to leave for school so you can't just get angry about it." OP's DS's age is a little young for this, but by early 4, some of that stuff starts clicking. It doesn't mean the hitting stops, but they do start understanding why their hitting isn't okay.

fwiw, my son is 5 and still periodically has the impulse to hit once when he's super mad about something. And I've heard other parents unprompted at school say their kids still have the impulse to hit every now and then when they are angry. 90% of the time now (this might be once every month), you can see my son pull his arm back and then stop himself. He literally just has more impulse control than when he was 3. Honestly, as an adult (a very calm, happy, non angry adult) I still have things happen a couple times a year that make me so mad that I feel this internal urge to hit something. Of course, I have adult self control and don't hit. The point is, kids need to grow out of this.

It doesn't mean you accept it, but it's also not something you can punish away at age 3.5.

[Anonymous]

My son had a hitting phase around 18 mo or so. The solution was a combo of time/speech development plus I would try and stop his arm before he made contact and simply say "I will not allow you to hit me".

He stopped and it was not a problem again until about age 3. This time he would hit maybe a few times a week (so not a lot in my book), only at me (mom), and in frustration when he was not allowed to do something. Every time I took him aside and told him he was not allowed to hit, that hitting hurts and we were going to stay seated together until he was calmer. We'd often end with a hug and I'd try to put into words how I thought he felt. I might have amped up my response if the hitting was happening more frequently but this worked for us.