I Got Out! You Can, Too.

[Anonymous]

OK, DCUM divorce hater police, this one is NOT for you.

I left my abusive and alcoholic ex almost three years ago. The divorce was final 1.25 years ago. It was the hardest decision I ever made. I stayed too long, honestly, looking for any glimmer of change. Then, when we separated, he used the joint counseling sessions to try to control me further while covering up his affairs, etc. That really played with my head. I almost gave in and went back to him until I found out about the affairs.

Now, today, my life is so much better. Is it easy? No. Do I feel I have a lot of work to do before I'll be fully recovered? Absolutely. But I spent 13.5 hours with him yesterday for an activity with one of the kids (competing in a high level sports competition). He was just the same. He was angry and abusive and everything else to me and telling the kids lies about how I didn't want to go, etc. I straightened that out with the kids that of course I was going to be there and they knew in their hearts I would never miss a major event of theirs.

They don't change. Sometimes they get worse even after the divorce. You wold think with time they would give it up, but no. He has a girlfriend so I hoped that would be enough to cause him to start treating me somewhat normally. Nope. Not even close.

If you are struggling with an abusive relationship, trust me, I've been there. Getting out was the single best thing I ever have done for my health and sanity, even though the path to "better" has not always been linear.

Think of this: Spending most days breathing freely, not worrying about what will set him off, and even when you have to deal with him, having the strength to just say "whatever" to yourself and not engaging. It can happen. Even when you have let yourself get worn down over the 20 years of marriage you spent trying to accommodate this guy and hoping he'll change. It's never too late.

[Anonymous]

I'm so happy for you OP! I too left an abusive relationship (8 years ago!) and it was life changing. We have a child, and most of the time I can tolerate small amounts of time with my ex, but it's hard sometimes.

I have custody of our child though, and visitation (mostly) goes well, and my child and I are thriving.

I agree - they don't change. My ex is incapable of healthy relationships - and that's not limited to romantic ones, his family relationships are also a co-dependent mess.

[Anonymous]

Congrats!

I left an abusive relationship 18 years ago, and it still haunts me at times.

I found out he died last year, and I really can't explain how much of a weight that I didn't even know I was still carrying was lifted.

[Anonymous]

Thrilled for you that you were strong enough to get away from a bad situation. I think it's great that you encourage others who are in a similar predicament but fearful of the unknown that leaving brings. I don't think any sane person would hate on that.

You take away from some of the good you are doing by lumping yourself in with the woman or small group of women that see "leaving" as the solution to every problem. I don't think that was you goal in posting

[Anonymous]

Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

[Anonymous]

What? She didn't say or imply that leaving was the solution to every problem.

You are being annoying and inaccurate.

Well done OP. Thank you for sharing and encouraging other women in similar situations.

[Anonymous]

that was directed to 08:42

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

When my XW hit me, threw things or screamed at me, I didn't play the victim card and call it abuse. I removed myself from the situation so it wouldn't escalated. That's the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

My DH's XW also claimed we abused her. She did, however, verbally and emotionally abuse and harass both of us at the beginning of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

When my XW hit me, threw things or screamed at me, I didn't play the victim card and call it abuse. I removed myself from the situation so it wouldn't escalated. That's the difference.

Then why do you sound like an angry victim?

Wah... wifey told lies
Wah... wifey hit me
wah, wah, wah

Stop playing the victim and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, better to leave the kids to fend for themselves with him. At least it's just them that have to deal with him, not you. But yeah OP, you go girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, better to leave the kids to fend for themselves with him. At least it's just them that have to deal with him, not you. But yeah OP, you go girl.

You're such a...runt. Man you are a garbage person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

When my XW hit me, threw things or screamed at me, I didn't play the victim card and call it abuse. I removed myself from the situation so it wouldn't escalated. That's the difference.

Then why do you sound like an angry victim?

Wah... wifey told lies
Wah... wifey hit me
wah, wah, wah

Stop playing the victim and move on with your life.

Don't you worry honey, I have long moved on! I am pointing out that there are always to sides to a story, which noticed on DCUM rarely mentions.