I Got Out! You Can, Too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

When my XW hit me, threw things or screamed at me, I didn't play the victim card and call it abuse. I removed myself from the situation so it wouldn't escalated. That's the difference.

When you XW did these things were you scared, frightened or was she able to control you by doing these things? Unlikely which means you aren't the victim here. More than likely you were doing the same to her and she was scared of you and you were controlling her. Who is the abuser, probably you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

OP here. He admits he has done all these things. They were just my fault, you see. If I just said things differently or didn't ask him to spend time with the kids or ask him why he had condoms in his work luggage, he wouldn't have treated me that way. This is how abusers work. He is also the one who wanted all of our divorce records sealed, not me.

That being said, your XW may have had borderline personality disorder or some traits of it, which is more common in women than narcissism, which is more present than in men. Dramatic threats is kind of a hallmark of borderlines, but usually they just want you back and will do anything to get you back and then get very angry when you won't. Your story and mine are dissimilar in that I am not borderline and my allegations were true and even admitted by him, while in your case you state that the allegations were unfounded and made for some other reason. The fact that your kids seem to be wanting out of that environment appears to bear you out. So I don't think there are always two sides. I think it is possible that when you are dealing with damaged people, you have to keep reminding yourself you aren't the crazy one and the treatment you and your children receive is not right.

Now whether my XH will admit these things to his new girlfriend - I doubt it. I'm sure it is still all my fault and I am unreasonable and awful. Kind if funny since I don't get alimony or child support, which is the usual reason men complain about the ex!

Someone on here recommended this book to me and it was incredible. Grab it

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Written by: Lundy Bancroft

[Anonymous]

How do you prevent women from getting in this situation in the first place. I have a friend that is literally getting married in a few days. This guy is so shady. He has been posing that he has this big job and fancy cars and has talked her into moving away from family and friends and being a SAHM and having another baby. But you see another side of him when he can't get his way. Condescending, talks over her when she doesn't agree with him about something. Treats her like she is stupid and barely able to make it across the street if he didn't help her. You can see a mile away where this is headed but not much you can do. Her own mother has warned her about him and she won't listen. How do you get women to avoid this situation in the first place. I personally think he was on the hunt for someone like her just so he could get away with this crap. I have such dread in my gut over this but powerless. I will be there for her though. If I can't do anything else I will have her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

When my XW hit me, threw things or screamed at me, I didn't play the victim card and call it abuse. I removed myself from the situation so it wouldn't escalated. That's the difference.

Then why do you sound like an angry victim?

Wah... wifey told lies
Wah... wifey hit me
wah, wah, wah

Stop playing the victim and move on with your life.

Don't you worry honey, I have long moved on! I am pointing out that there are always to sides to a story, which noticed on DCUM rarely mentions.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, DH here who was accused of all of this by XW and more - little of it was true. Was I a saint, not at all but she claimed she was abused by me as well. Seven years later the older kids moved in with me (rarely talk to her) and the younger ones can't wait. XW plays the victim card like Kathy Griffin and Hillary Clinton, never taken even a little blame for why the relationship failed. Always two sides to the story OP.

There are not two sides to abuse. No spouse ever deserves to be hit, yelled at, threatened or cheated on. I don't care how terrible a relationship is, there is no justification for these behaviours.

That you would suggest that OP, who mentioned having an alcoholic husband who cheated on her and continued to lie about the infidelity in therapy, is somehow responsible for these behaviours (i.e. alcoholism and infidelity) is reprehensible victim-blaming. When you victim-blame, you support and perpetuate abuse.

Good for you, OP, for getting out and thank you for sharing. It is inspirational.

When my XW hit me, threw things or screamed at me, I didn't play the victim card and call it abuse. I removed myself from the situation so it wouldn't escalated. That's the difference.

When you XW did these things were you scared, frightened or was she able to control you by doing these things? Unlikely which means you aren't the victim here. More than likely you were doing the same to her and she was scared of you and you were controlling her. Who is the abuser, probably you.

If you have kids I hope you don't have a son/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, DCUM divorce hater police, this one is NOT for you.

I left my abusive and alcoholic ex almost three years ago. The divorce was final 1.25 years ago. It was the hardest decision I ever made. I stayed too long, honestly, looking for any glimmer of change. Then, when we separated, he used the joint counseling sessions to try to control me further while covering up his affairs, etc. That really played with my head. I almost gave in and went back to him until I found out about the affairs.

Now, today, my life is so much better. Is it easy? No. Do I feel I have a lot of work to do before I'll be fully recovered? Absolutely. But I spent 13.5 hours with him yesterday for an activity with one of the kids (competing in a high level sports competition). He was just the same. He was angry and abusive and everything else to me and telling the kids lies about how I didn't want to go, etc. I straightened that out with the kids that of course I was going to be there and they knew in their hearts I would never miss a major event of theirs.

They don't change. Sometimes they get worse even after the divorce. You wold think with time they would give it up, but no. He has a girlfriend so I hoped that would be enough to cause him to start treating me somewhat normally. Nope. Not even close.

If you are struggling with an abusive relationship, trust me, I've been there. Getting out was the single best thing I ever have done for my health and sanity, even though the path to "better" has not always been linear.

Think of this: Spending most days breathing freely, not worrying about what will set him off, and even when you have to deal with him, having the strength to just say "whatever" to yourself and not engaging. It can happen. Even when you have let yourself get worn down over the 20 years of marriage you spent trying to accommodate this guy and hoping he'll change. It's never too late.

OP, good for you!!!! Life will continue to get better and better.