Because of a statement, mom doesn't want me in her life

[Anonymous]

I am 45 years old, and after almost 3 decades of study, introspection, and commitment to multiple congregations, I have decided I am not a Christian. I am married to a Catholic, and we are raising our children in that faith. But I have found peace in the UU Church.

I explained this to my mother. She said that she will "disown" me (her words), and that I was a horrible mother. She said she had nothing more to say to me. (Also threw in a couple of comments about me not respecting the president, and how I am an ivory tower atheist.)

Do I mend fences, and if so, how do I go about it? I think that religion is a personal matter, but also familial, so I understand her being upset. I respect all people, and their beliefs and rights when it comes to who/what they pray to.

This is a hard time for me right now. My mother hasn't returned my calls in 4 days. She did send me an article from Fox, but that is it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd back off for a couple of weeks. No calls. Let her have her space. Then I'd write a letter explaining how sad you are that SHE has chosen to cut off her relationship with you and her grandchildren. You can share that she raised you to be a caring, thoughtful and independent thinker. Just as you support different opinions and perspectives, you would hope that she can do the same. Share that the door will always be open to a loving relationship and that it's her choice right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd back off for a couple of weeks. No calls. Let her have her space. Then I'd write a letter explaining how sad you are that SHE has chosen to cut off her relationship with you and her grandchildren. You can share that she raised you to be a caring, thoughtful and independent thinker. Just as you support different opinions and perspectives, you would hope that she can do the same. Share that the door will always be open to a loving relationship and that it's her choice right now.

Thank you. This is very helpful advice. What I also struggle with, is that she has said things to my kids like, "Your mother fell out of the church, and hopefully God will forgive her. If not, she has made her path. Some of us are destined for hell." That is too much for little people to comprehend, especially when we are trying to explain a benevolent being to the kids.

It is exasperating, and quite frankly, I don't know if she is someone we need in our lives right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd back off for a couple of weeks. No calls. Let her have her space. Then I'd write a letter explaining how sad you are that SHE has chosen to cut off her relationship with you and her grandchildren. You can share that she raised you to be a caring, thoughtful and independent thinker. Just as you support different opinions and perspectives, you would hope that she can do the same. Share that the door will always be open to a loving relationship and that it's her choice right now.

Thank you. This is very helpful advice. What I also struggle with, is that she has said things to my kids like, "Your mother fell out of the church, and hopefully God will forgive her. If not, she has made her path. Some of us are destined for hell." That is too much for little people to comprehend, especially when we are trying to explain a benevolent being to the kids.

It is exasperating, and quite frankly, I don't know if she is someone we need in our lives right now.

PP here. As I hit submit, I realized I wanted to add more. You touched on what I wanted to add: Her being in your life does not mean she gets to spew nonsense to you and/or your family. You are open to a LOVING relationship. Telling your kids that you are going to hell, even in her indirect way, is not okay. It's okay to set boundaries with her. It's not easy, but it's okay and really, quite healthy. You are modeling for your children how to take care of yourself.
Again, take that break. No contact. If she emails you links with no conversation, you do not respond.
Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd back off for a couple of weeks. No calls. Let her have her space. Then I'd write a letter explaining how sad you are that SHE has chosen to cut off her relationship with you and her grandchildren. You can share that she raised you to be a caring, thoughtful and independent thinker. Just as you support different opinions and perspectives, you would hope that she can do the same. Share that the door will always be open to a loving relationship and that it's her choice right now.

Thank you. This is very helpful advice. What I also struggle with, is that she has said things to my kids like, "Your mother fell out of the church, and hopefully God will forgive her. If not, she has made her path. Some of us are destined for hell." That is too much for little people to comprehend, especially when we are trying to explain a benevolent being to the kids.

It is exasperating, and quite frankly, I don't know if she is someone we need in our lives right now.

PP here. As I hit submit, I realized I wanted to add more. You touched on what I wanted to add: Her being in your life does not mean she gets to spew nonsense to you and/or your family. You are open to a LOVING relationship. Telling your kids that you are going to hell, even in her indirect way, is not okay. It's okay to set boundaries with her. It's not easy, but it's okay and really, quite healthy. You are modeling for your children how to take care of yourself.
Again, take that break. No contact. If she emails you links with no conversation, you do not respond.
Peace to you.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. Peace to you as well.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I would back off. Let her be the one to call you.

[Anonymous]

She is hurting and feeling like a failure. By you not believing she has let God down because you are her child and she is responsible for your faith. By you not believing she is at risk of not going to heaven. Think about it from her perspective. She had 1 thing to do in life right and she failed.

[Anonymous]

I consider telling people they are going to hell to be a form of abuse. And I don't let my children be around abusive people. We haven't had much contact with my mom for years for this reason, and until she could "prove" she wouldn't Bash my faith choices to my kids, I wouldn't let her see them.
In your case, give her some space and see how she responds.

[Anonymous]

Agree, let it go and initiate no contact for a while. I personally would not reach out and reestablish a relationship until agrees not to speak about your faith choice in a disparaging way to anyone in your family including your kids. This request can be made in a loving but firm way.

Having been there myself, it is possible to have a positive relationship with family who do not worship the same was you do, but boundaries are critical. Your relationship with your faith is no one's business, not even family. If she can't be respectful f this, in my opinion she cannot be around you or your children.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mom is the one who isn't Christian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is hurting and feeling like a failure. By you not believing she has let God down because you are her child and she is responsible for your faith. By you not believing she is at risk of not going to heaven. Think about it from her perspective. She had 1 thing to do in life right and she failed.

OP. I have been trying to see it from her perspective. And I have been loving and kind to her. I don't know how I feel about "she had 1 thing to do in life and she failed." We are all good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd back off for a couple of weeks. No calls. Let her have her space. Then I'd write a letter explaining how sad you are that SHE has chosen to cut off her relationship with you and her grandchildren. You can share that she raised you to be a caring, thoughtful and independent thinker. Just as you support different opinions and perspectives, you would hope that she can do the same. Share that the door will always be open to a loving relationship and that it's her choice right now.

Thank you. This is very helpful advice. What I also struggle with, is that she has said things to my kids like, "Your mother fell out of the church, and hopefully God will forgive her. If not, she has made her path. Some of us are destined for hell." That is too much for little people to comprehend, especially when we are trying to explain a benevolent being to the kids.

It is exasperating, and quite frankly, I don't know if she is someone we need in our lives right now.

Why are you giving her access to your kids if she's saying stuff like that?! That's completely damaging for them to hear, they don't need to be worried about their mother going to hell. I agree with PP that it's abusive and abusive grandparents don't get to see the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. My mother-in-law does this to my husband (they are Muslim, and he is non-practicing). I'm sure my Christian mom feels the same, but she keeps her mouth shut.

Sometimes I think they take our leaving religion as a slap in their face. An insult to them and what they believe. I never speak about not believing in God to my mom. Is there a way to "not" talk about religion? Or is it such a piece of the family fabric that you cannot easily leave that part of your relationship with your mom behind?

[Anonymous]

But I have found peace in the UU Church.

This is great because peace is so hard to find these days. But I laughed when I read it because it reminded me of the time I told my father, after more than a decade of having left his house and weekly pressure from him to "find a church home", when I said I was going to try the Universalist church across the street from my apartment. I'd spent weeks watching them and their obviously diverse crowd, sometimes with service outside in their beautiful courtyard, and thought how great it would be to find a church home that made me feel comfortable with the bonus of convenience(!).

His response? "You can't join that church. They don't believe in God."

I also have a memory, much less funny to me, of sitting in my bedroom at age 11 and reaching the conclusion that I was a bad person because I hated going to church. And being a bad person, I felt certain I was going to hell. It was a feeling that I just accepted as a fact I couldn't change and lived with it for about five or six years. As a parent, I would be absolutely devastated to find out my child felt this way at any point in his life. At the time, though, I was just as certain that my father would have felt...I don't know...pleased(?) to learn that the teachings of the church had worked as they were supposed to. It meant certainty that I would dedicate my life to trying to get off that path to hell. We had a falling out similar to yours, OP, in my late 20s when I tried to explain that my aversion to church wasn't an aversion to faith. He didn't speak to me for months, maybe a year, and his disappointment in me dropped into conversations every once in a while for the rest of his life - nearly 20 years - along with his imploring that I find a church "before it's too late."

My dad died a couple of years ago but, right up to his dying day, he let me know that my non-church-going ways remained his unfinished business as a parent. It pains me to know that he was so worried about my soul as he prepared to leave. I don't think another conversation about it would have changed his mind, so I vowed to myself that I would just listen without response. I couldn't demand that he respect my views and choices, but I found peace by deciding to respect his. And, in my one-sided "conversations" with him since he died, I've been able to better understand what his faith and his church meant to him - so I can honestly say the respect is genuine. I don't think we would have been able to hear each other on the subject while he was alive, but I can hear him now and I really do believe he can hear me.

I also believe you're going to be able to figure out how to move forward with your mother. Perhaps the space will allow you to better hear yourself and get down to the true feelings that exist beyond the hurt. Maybe it would help to write it out in a letter that you send - or don't send. If you're uncomfortable with the things she says to your children, use it as an opportunity to have an honest conversation with them about how it makes them feel. If they're old enough to hear about it, they're old enough to talk about it, too. Give them the safe space (okay, I kinda hate that term but it's appropriate here) to understand that they're not obligated to adhere to another person's belief, nor does that belief define them or the other person as good or bad. Most especially, the message is that love for a person isn't reliant on their views about religion. Your mom never received that message, but your kids can.

Deep breath. Trust your heart, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is hurting and feeling like a failure. By you not believing she has let God down because you are her child and she is responsible for your faith. By you not believing she is at risk of not going to heaven. Think about it from her perspective. She had 1 thing to do in life right and she failed.

OP. I have been trying to see it from her perspective. And I have been loving and kind to her. I don't know how I feel about "she had 1 thing to do in life and she failed." We are all good people.

Not PP, but from your mother's perspective, that's her one thing to do in life. From the way she sees it, she did fail. Let her mourn for a while...I bet she'll come around.