Reply to Because of a statement, mom doesn't want me in her life

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]But I have found peace in the UU Church. [/quote]

This is great because peace is so hard to find these days.  But I laughed when I read it because it reminded me of the time I told my father, after more than a decade of having left his house and weekly pressure from him to "find a church home", when I said I was going to try the Universalist church across the street from my apartment.  I'd spent weeks watching them and their obviously diverse crowd, sometimes with service outside in their beautiful courtyard, and thought how great it would be to find a church home that made me feel comfortable with the bonus of convenience(!).

His response? "You can't join that church.  They don't believe in God."

I also have a memory, much less funny to me, of sitting in my bedroom at age 11 and reaching the conclusion that I was a bad person because I hated going to church.  And being a bad person, I felt certain I was going to hell.  It was a feeling that I just accepted as a fact I couldn't change and lived with it for about five or six years.  As a parent, I would be absolutely devastated to find out my child felt this way at any point in his life.  At the time, though, I was just as certain that my father would have felt...I don't know...pleased(?) to learn that the teachings of the church had worked as they were supposed to. It meant certainty that I would dedicate my life to trying to get off that path to hell.  We had a falling out similar to yours, OP, in my late 20s when I tried to explain that my aversion to church wasn't an aversion to faith.  He didn't speak to me for months, maybe a year, and his disappointment in me dropped into conversations every once in a while for the rest of his life - nearly 20 years - along with his imploring that I find a church "before it's too late."

My dad died a couple of years ago but, right up to his dying day, he let me know that my non-church-going ways remained his unfinished business as a parent.   It pains me to know that he was so worried about my soul as he prepared to leave.  I don't think another conversation about it would have changed his mind, so I vowed to myself that I would just listen without response.  I couldn't demand that he respect my views and choices, but I found peace by deciding to respect his.  And, in my one-sided "conversations" with him since he died, I've been able to better understand what his faith and his church meant to him - so I can honestly say the respect is genuine.  I don't think we would have been able to hear each other on the subject while he was alive, but I can hear him now and I really do believe he can hear me.

I also believe you're going to be able to figure out how to move forward with your mother.  Perhaps the space will allow you to better hear yourself and get down to the true feelings that exist beyond the hurt.  Maybe it would help to write it out in a letter that you send  - or don't send.  If you're uncomfortable with the things she says to your children, use it as an opportunity to have an honest conversation with them about how it makes them feel. If they're old enough to hear about it, they're old enough to talk about it, too. Give them the safe space (okay, I kinda hate that term but it's appropriate here) to understand that they're not obligated to adhere to another person's belief, nor does that belief define them or the other person as good or bad. Most especially, the message is that love for a person isn't reliant on their views about religion.  Your mom never received that message, but your kids can.

Deep breath.  Trust your heart, OP.

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