Do you make plans for your high school aged children?

[Anonymous]

Do you expect other parents to subscribe to how you do things? Do you blame other parents/other DC if your (own) child does something you don't like?

I am curious, as I have seen situations where the DC make their plans, inform their parents, and some parents either don't believe or don't trust their children. Which is fine, I get it, but that does not apply in everyone's house. If you (parent) were scapegoated for another kid behaving this way with their parents, how would you react?

[Anonymous]

You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

[Anonymous]

OP, your question is not very clear.

Bottom line, I expect my DC to know our family rules, clear plans with me within the limits of those rules, and make clear to others when s/he cannot do something because it would break those rules. I expect other kids to do the same with regard to their families. I do not expect my DC to follow or enforce someone else's rules, unless s/he is a guest in that house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

[Anonymous]

Or do you mean, your kid invites 2 friends over. The kids call uber to take them to a party. The kids all drink, maybe do some regrettable things at the party and then take uber home. You aren't thrilled that the kids did this but HS seniors aren't babies and they need to be responsible for themselves, in your opinion. One of the parents finds out and blames you.

Or do you mean that your kid invites some friends over and they go downstairs into your basement. One of them brings a bottle of vodka and they proceed to drink it....another parent finds out and blames you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

I still can't tell if I'd be upset. Not enough details. Mostly I want my kid to be honest with me about what's happening while she's out. I expect to know who she's with and what she's doing. Hanging out w/ a boy in a public place wouldn't bother me, as long as she wasn't sneaking around. But I would expect HER to follow my rules, I sure wouldn't flip out on another parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

I still can't tell if I'd be upset. Not enough details. Mostly I want my kid to be honest with me about what's happening while she's out. I expect to know who she's with and what she's doing. Hanging out w/ a boy in a public place wouldn't bother me, as long as she wasn't sneaking around. But I would expect HER to follow my rules, I sure wouldn't flip out on another parent.

OP here. Thanks, I agree, this is what I was thinking. Thought I was losing it - there is a lot of finger pointing where we live, lots of "appearances", which I stay out of, because it doesn't interest me. If you don't trust your kid, take it up with them, for crying out loud. I have also had one parent RSVP no and flip out when they saw a photo - you are the one that said no, no matter how many times I checked with you, so it is on you, not me. Lots of this type of weirdness (weak efforts to misplace blame). It's bizarre. I think a lot of other parents know about it, because they tend to make themselves scarce. LOL.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell from your example.

My kid clears his plans with me.

If it was something as simple as an afternoon visit to the mall, and the parents are asking you to be more than a driver, they are out of line. Your roll: say you will drive, expect them not to leave the mall, and have them show up when and where they should be for pickup.

I do not choose my kid's friends beyond making sure some family events include kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

Dropping a few 14 year girls off at the mall to shop for a couple of hours is an age appropriate activity. If the girls secretly chose to meet up with boys at the mall and I found out about it, I would deal with my own daughter.

If another parent dropped a group of 14 year old girls off on a beach boardwalk at 9pm on a Friday night and the girls attracted the attention of a group of college boys, that would not be at all age appropriate and I would be upset with the other parent for doing that - extremely poor judgment. I would be mad at my daughter for not calling me to ask permission to go to the beach boardwalk. I would be mad at myself for allowing my kid to go over to such an idiot parent's house in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell from your example.

My kid clears his plans with me.

If it was something as simple as an afternoon visit to the mall, and the parents are asking you to be more than a driver, they are out of line. Your roll: say you will drive, expect them not to leave the mall, and have them show up when and where they should be for pickup.

I do not choose my kid's friends beyond making sure some family events include kids.

+1

Exactly. OP here. But you do not orchestrate from start to finish, including contacting other parents with the invite, right? You clear the plans with your kid, make sure all the other parents are in on what is happening, meet the parent who is hosting a party, but not finger pointing when your kid doesn't do what you expect of him - it is not on the other parent for your kid to abide by your rules, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

So your DD invited 2 other girls to the mall under the guise of shopping and what really happened was she wanted to go off with a boy and have her friends cover for her and her friends didn't want to or she wanted her friends to go somewhere, wait while she hung out with the boy and then come back to the mall to be picked up by you.

Yeah as a parent I would be pissed on my DD's behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

So your DD invited 2 other girls to the mall under the guise of shopping and what really happened was she wanted to go off with a boy and have her friends cover for her and her friends didn't want to or she wanted her friends to go somewhere, wait while she hung out with the boy and then come back to the mall to be picked up by you.

Yeah as a parent I would be pissed on my DD's behalf.

No. DD did not know about the boy. Friend interested in boy, talked about it at the mall, called the boy, and apparently said DD was in on it (to take the heat off of her). You sound like the friends parents! LOL. Meeting a boy in a public place does not set me off against other parents. It makes me talk to my own kid. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

So your DD invited 2 other girls to the mall under the guise of shopping and what really happened was she wanted to go off with a boy and have her friends cover for her and her friends didn't want to or she wanted her friends to go somewhere, wait while she hung out with the boy and then come back to the mall to be picked up by you.

Yeah as a parent I would be pissed on my DD's behalf.

You would be pissed at Op? I can see not wanting your daughter to hang out with the girl who did this. But dropping the girls off to shop was not wrong and if Op had no idea that her daughter was planning to ditch her friends/use them as cover while she went off somewhere with a boy and Op had no reason to suspect that her daughter would do that....why be mad at Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

So your DD invited 2 other girls to the mall under the guise of shopping and what really happened was she wanted to go off with a boy and have her friends cover for her and her friends didn't want to or she wanted her friends to go somewhere, wait while she hung out with the boy and then come back to the mall to be picked up by you.

Yeah as a parent I would be pissed on my DD's behalf.

You would be pissed at Op? I can see not wanting your daughter to hang out with the girl who did this. But dropping the girls off to shop was not wrong and if Op had no idea that her daughter was planning to ditch her friends/use them as cover while she went off somewhere with a boy and Op had no reason to suspect that her daughter would do that....why be mad at Op?

OP's daughter was not ditching friends. Friend wanted to hang at mall with boy. OP's daughter was blamed, when there was little or no connection. Noticing pattern with certain parents, other parents are noticing same pattern, and are wary of those particular parents, as they are quick to drag other people into it, over nothing. Other parents notably do not drive. Other parent notably blame other people. There are one or two sets of these parents, and they are becoming known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

So your DD invited 2 other girls to the mall under the guise of shopping and what really happened was she wanted to go off with a boy and have her friends cover for her and her friends didn't want to or she wanted her friends to go somewhere, wait while she hung out with the boy and then come back to the mall to be picked up by you.

Yeah as a parent I would be pissed on my DD's behalf.

No. DD did not know about the boy. Friend interested in boy, talked about it at the mall, called the boy, and apparently said DD was in on it (to take the heat off of her). You sound like the friends parents! LOL. Meeting a boy in a public place does not set me off against other parents. It makes me talk to my own kid. Imagine that.

O.k. I wouldn't want my kid to hang around again with a kid who LIED about my own kid's involvement in something like that. I wouldn't be rude to the other parents about it because they had no idea that this was happening, either.