Do you make plans for your high school aged children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

So your DD invited 2 other girls to the mall under the guise of shopping and what really happened was she wanted to go off with a boy and have her friends cover for her and her friends didn't want to or she wanted her friends to go somewhere, wait while she hung out with the boy and then come back to the mall to be picked up by you.

Yeah as a parent I would be pissed on my DD's behalf.

You would be pissed at Op? I can see not wanting your daughter to hang out with the girl who did this. But dropping the girls off to shop was not wrong and if Op had no idea that her daughter was planning to ditch her friends/use them as cover while she went off somewhere with a boy and Op had no reason to suspect that her daughter would do that....why be mad at Op?

OP's daughter was not ditching friends. Friend wanted to hang at mall with boy. OP's daughter was blamed, when there was little or no connection. Noticing pattern with certain parents, other parents are noticing same pattern, and are wary of those particular parents, as they are quick to drag other people into it, over nothing. Other parents notably do not drive. Other parent notably blame other people. There are one or two sets of these parents, and they are becoming known.

eh, Op is not to blame for any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell from your example.

My kid clears his plans with me.

If it was something as simple as an afternoon visit to the mall, and the parents are asking you to be more than a driver, they are out of line. Your roll: say you will drive, expect them not to leave the mall, and have them show up when and where they should be for pickup.

I do not choose my kid's friends beyond making sure some family events include kids.

+1

Exactly. OP here. But you do not orchestrate from start to finish, including contacting other parents with the invite, right? You clear the plans with your kid, make sure all the other parents are in on what is happening, meet the parent who is hosting a party, but not finger pointing when your kid doesn't do what you expect of him - it is not on the other parent for your kid to abide by your rules, right?

I do not orchestrate and I do not know all of his friends. There was a kid here from 3-10 last night (a whole bunch we here). Not even sure of his name. You have too many pronouns. In my house, my rules. Out and about, I expect my kid to follow my rules. N someone else's house? I expect good behavior, and adherence to their rules. My son doesn't travel in a fast crowd, but even so, I can't imagine any circumstances when one of their parents would be berating me. However, if I found out my son was complicit in lying to someone else's parent, he'd have a lot to answer for with me.

[Anonymous]

"They are becoming known" suggests the lot of you are way to involved in your teen's behavior. I don't travel in the same circles as my son's friends' parents, so nothing could "become known"

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your question, OP. I don't make plans for DD, and haven't since maybe 5th or 6th grade. She makes her own plans, and is friends with both boys and girls, and gets together with both. I don't care if she goes to the mall with her girlfriends and they meet up with a group of boys they're friends with.

And I trust that I've taught DD when a situation is getting out of control and how to get out of it. She has access to cabs, uber, cash, and we have a secret code that means I call her and claim there's an emergency she needs to get home for. We are prepared for all variables.

[Anonymous]

Controlling a teen's every move is not a good way to help them learn to be grown-ups. I'm not going to be their babysitter. They can escort their own kid if it's so important to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean like - your teenage kid invites 2 friends over for a sleepover. The kids decide to go and see a movie. You think that's fine. While at the movie theater, one of the kids spots another friend that they know at the theater and leaves with that person. Your kid and the remaining friend watch the movie, look around for their friend after the movie and finally leave to go home. Later that kid gets busted for underage drinking. That kid's parent blames you for it.

Or something like that?

Thanks for the insightful, well thought out example. OP here. No, actually, if girls were at the mall and wanted (mostly one girl in particular) to meet with a boy, and the other parents flipped out on you for their DC wanting to meet the someone of the opposite gender. That DC parents tried to somehow put it on you, if they don't trust their own kid.

Another example, if the other parent tries to orchestrate activities based on who they want their kids to hang out with. Don't teens usually choose their own friends/activities, within reason?

This is all given that your child has not given you reason not to trust them, and this is how you do things, but you don't expect other parents to subscribe to your house rules (unless at your house, as PP stated). What if the other parent starts coming down on you, for no reason (other than they need to mind their own)?

Hopefully I am making sense about a situation that makes no sense to me. OP here.

Here is a real-life example I know of. A has a relationship with B. A's parents know about this and are ok with it. B's parents' rule is, no relationships, so B hasn't told B's parents. B says to C, "I'm meeting A at [public place]. My parents are dropping me off. Can you be at [public place] when they drop me off, and I'll say that I'm meeting you?" C says ok. B's parents drop B off with C at [public place] and leave, A shows up, C goes home, B's parents come back unexpectedly, drama ensues.

If B's parents were angry at C's parents or A's parents, would I consider this anger justified? No, I wouldn't.