How to avoid/deal with emotional/verbal/mental abuse while creating exit plan.

[Anonymous]

In my case, it's not as simple as "just leave."

I'm just looking for ways to cope in the meantime. Will likely have to stay together for another year due to logistics. Any tips, advice, or resources very appreciated. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

??Why can't you leave? Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:??Why can't you leave? Do you have kids?

Yes we do. He controls the finances and I don't have family I can rely upon.

[Anonymous]

1. Do NOT cheat, date, be "just friends," hook-up, etc. None of it. Another man's arms might be exactly what you need. But WAIT. It can and will be used against you. Just don't do it.
2. Don't discuss the situation with friends and family. Talk to a therapist if possible to help identify and process your emotions.
3. Take care of yourself physically. Join a gym and work on your physical shape. This will give you something to focus on and build your strength both mentally and physically. Hard exercise can do wonders for your stress. Plus you will look good!
4. Avoid arguments with DH. Keep conversation to a minimum. Do not make communication a priority. I am guessing that ship has sailed.
5. Get organized. The more you are prepared the better you will feel from one day to the next. Keep in mind the goal: getting out.
6. Focus on you not on him.
- signed,
BTST

[Anonymous]

Stash as much cash as you can. NOT in the bank. I'm talking a pile of cash money that he won't know about and gamy access.

[Anonymous]

Gamy = can't ^

[Anonymous]

Don't disregard friends as people who can help. Twice in my life I've helped battered wives leave.

Once was literally a woman whose blog I read. I literally commented one day "Why the hell are you with this guy? He is physically intimidating, verbally and emotionally abusive to you and your daughter, physically abusive and neglectful to your daughter, a racist drunk, and you and your daughter are not white. What can we do to help you leave?"

And it was like it had NEVER occurred to her. She is a VERY smart woman who was so broken down by him that she couldn't think clearly. Everyone in the comments rallied around my comment, and we literally planned her escape in the comments section of her blog. Some people sent some money (which she paid back) and some went over and physically moved her and her daughter to a new apartment. We moved her out one night when her husband went to the local bar to drink. He came home five hours later to find half the furniture, all his wife and daughter's clothes all gone.

I helped a woman who worked in the registrar's office at my college. I had a work/study job there, and her husband had been abusing her for DECADES, and her son was a stockbroker who did coke (so, no help). We all rallied around her. My work/study friend and I made up a fake flier for her to take home regarding a "mandatory" conference she had to attend. We all helped her find an apartment, rent a UHaul, and gather furniture. I literally went through stuff in my parents' basement pulling out an entire set of never-used silverware saying "Can I have this? And this dresser we just lean stuff on but never use? And this blanket?"

Her husband thought she went to a conference in one part of the state. Really she moved multiple states away and he had no idea.

So reach out to friends/coworkers. You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Does your work have an emoloyee assistance program (EAP)? They may be able to help you in the short term getting through this period.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Getting organized. Focusing on your kids. Withdrawing from him as much as you can without creating greater threat/harm by angering him.
Others will disagree with me on this, but you could do a short-term anti-anxiety prescription. I take klonopin and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't partly because of my less-than-stellar relationship. I find that when I take it, his nasty words and criticisms tend to roll off my back and not upset me as much. It's not necessarily a great coping mechanism, especially long-term, but it might help if you're having a lot of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Once you have truly decided to leave, and gotten the ball rolling on your plan, you will stop caring about his outbursts, and stop reacting.

Once you stop reacting, he'll stop acting out.

The last four months of my marriage were the most peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Work out. Even if you're doing pushups every other day on the bathroom floor. When you feel like your body is strong, you'll feel more mentally strong.

Also, keep in mind that everything he says is a reflection on HIM. Not on you. It makes HIM look bad to call you names or lose HIS temper. Like a duck, let his angry water roll off your back.

[Anonymous]

For info on local resources and other helpful information, like making a plan for leaving, go to thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:??Why can't you leave? Do you have kids?

Yes we do. He controls the finances and I don't have family I can rely upon.

You may not have family, but consider your network of friends, neighbors and co-workers. If you don't have a network, try to begin building one. Who can you trust and tell and who can act as a sounding board or help with anything? Who can look after the kids in a pinch? Abuse makes you feel very alone because you are aftaid to tell other people what is going on for fear that they will blame you or tell you to take it. Breaking the silence and staying authentically connected to others is part of breaking away from abuse.

Here on a board is a good place to share but you also need people in your real life.

[Anonymous]

Agree with working out.

Agree with stop reacting. Things can't escalate as mich if you just stop caring and stop reacting to the BS.

Agree with what other pp's said.

[Anonymous]

In my case it escalated dramatically once I told him the marriage was on the rocks. Because of his financial control I did not have the means to move out so he forced me to stay in the house and even share the same bedroom during the entire separation, until I got my share of the assets a few weeks after the divorce. The verbal and emotional abuse during those years of legal separation was extreme and escalated into physically threatening behavior as well. it's even worse now that he can't control me financially or in other ways. He still needs to control me and tries to do so by belittling me and withholding child support, consent for things for the kids, etc...

It is easier to ignore now, though.