How do I deal with a very anxious, controlling mother?

[Anonymous]

Mother's Day weekend was difficult. I am in my 40's, and my mom is very, very controlling. She criticized me in front of my kids for giving them lemonade (she would prefer water or milk) and Advil (for a headache). The lemonade was at the very first meal that we shared together. She took it away and replaced it with water with a teaspoon of lemonade. Then she lied to my daughter when she complained that the drink didn't taste like lemonade. Regarding the Advil, I don't give it frequently, but my mother believes that it should be saved for extreme situations, such as after surgery. Nothing in my house is good enough for my mother: my dishwasher is not good enough, my tap water is not good enough, my guest room is not good enough, my parenting is not good enough. If I give my child some advice about her homework, my mom announces out loud (in front of child) that she never had to help me with my homework.

I mentioned to my mom that my high-school-aged DC might want to become a speech-language pathologist, and my mom's response was that that is a working-class job. (My mother grew up in poverty and has always married up). I would recommend a hotel for my mother, but she actually is terrified to sleep in a hotel alone. This is evidence to me that she suffers from extreme anxiety. My mother does not recognize that she is anxious and denies it when I try to point it out to her in a matter-of-fact way.

My mother can do helpful things when she visits, such as taking younger DC to the park. Every discussion with me, however, is negative.

I have thought that it may be good to limit visits to neutral places, such as having adjoining rental condos at a beach vacation. I don't want to cut my mother off, but her negativity and anxiety are only getting worse as she ages. (She is 70).

[Anonymous]

Set boundaries with your mother. It doesn't sound like you have done so or that you advocated for your kids in the situations above.

[Anonymous]

Don't let her come visit unless she stays in a hotel. If she doesn't come then she doesn't.
Don't you have a voice. If my mom said anything about the lemonade, I would announce that they are my kids and I decide what they drink. She is like this because YOU allow it.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to therapy? Because this kind of situation is just what therapy is for.

And are you candid with your kids that something isn't right with your mom? That she likely has untreated mental illness? It would do them a favor to be candid.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I do discuss with my older DC that my mother has extreme anxiety and had a very difficult childhood. DC actually recommended family therapy! This might be a very good place to start, although I would have to schedule sessions for when she is in town.

[Anonymous]

OP again - I did give Advil to older DC, despite my mother's remarks. I didn't swipe back the lemonade for my younger DC, but I did correct my mother when she lied to my younger DC that it was the exact same drink. If she decides to criticize my dishwasher, what can I do about it? Yes, it is old, but it is also functional. If I had the money to replace it with a beautiful new stainless steel dishwasher, of course I would.

[Anonymous]

OMG, boundaries! Repeat "thanks mom, I'll think about it," "thanks mom, I've got this, once in a while, they get lemonade as a treat, you're here, this is one of those times."

And otherwise, "I'm happy with my dishwasher, it works fine." "If you don't like the room, I can book you a hotel, that way you'll be comfortable. This room is what I'm offering. It's clean. I won't listen to you complain about it if you reject it AND a hotel room."

[Anonymous]

I usually just give some sort of insult back. This is probably not healthy, but it's my way of sticking up for myself. For instance, I tell my mom that she was incapable of helping me with my homework (this was absolutely true past 4th grade or so).

[Anonymous]

I started family therapy with my mom a couple of weeks ago. Should be interesting. My therapist wanted my mom to book it with someone in her city. After a year, it's finally happening. We just used speaker-phone the first 2 times. Therapist says she wants to find a way to do skype without violating HIPAA.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist should give you real concrete strategies for how to set boundaries with your mother. If she/he isn't then find another one who will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist should give you real concrete strategies for how to set boundaries with your mother. If she/he isn't then find another one who will.

OP here - I was going to mention that my therapist is someone who is very hesitant to tell me what to do. Maybe it's because I grew up with someone who still tells me what to do. I'm okay with my therapist not telling me what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started family therapy with my mom a couple of weeks ago. Should be interesting. My therapist wanted my mom to book it with someone in her city. After a year, it's finally happening. We just used speaker-phone the first 2 times. Therapist says she wants to find a way to do skype without violating HIPAA.

How old is your mom. Do you think that it will be very difficult for her to change her modus operandi at her age?

[Anonymous]

Your mom will not change. YOU can change.

Stop trying to defend your choices to her. Do not argue with why you are doing something a certain way. Just DO IT. If you have to respond to her say "Hmm, I'll think about that" or "huh" or "hmm" or "that wasn't very nice" or "Interesting". Then do whatever you were going to do anyhow. IGNORE ALL ATTACKS. Do not engage. She can't fight with you if you drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist should give you real concrete strategies for how to set boundaries with your mother. If she/he isn't then find another one who will.

OP here - I was going to mention that my therapist is someone who is very hesitant to tell me what to do. Maybe it's because I grew up with someone who still tells me what to do. I'm okay with my therapist not telling me what to do.

She shouldn't tell you what to do, she should show you how to strategize to form boundaries. Whether you do it is up to you.

[Anonymous]

I have thought that it may be good to limit visits to neutral places, such as having adjoining rental condos at a beach vacation. I don't want to cut my mother off, but her negativity and anxiety are only getting worse as she ages. (She is 70).

I think this is a good idea. It's important to set boundaries, as pps have mentioned, and this sounds like a good start. My mom wasn't anywhere near as controlling your mom but her behavior was similar. And I used to obsess about how she would be happier if she would only listen to me and go to Al-Anon. My dad had quit drinking 10 years before but Al-Anon would have helped her with her controlling, codependent behavior. I finally realized I had to accept that I couldn't change her. And then I told her I didn't want to hear anymore about how lousy my father was. That made her really mad but she stopped talking about him to me.

That was the beginning of a new relationship with my mother. Establishing that boundary helped me separate from her emotionally and eventually I could just relate to her as a nice person who was controlled by her anxiety. But I couldn't have compassion for her until I set boundaries. Take care of yourself first, OP, and then you may be able to have a better relationship with your mom - or not. But take care of yourself first.

You sound pretty self aware and like you're going in the right direction. Good luck!