When your spouse doesn't love you (as much)

[Anonymous]

During the course of our relationship, I've always felt that I probably love my husband more than he loves me. Don't get me wrong, I know that he loves and cares for me, but I think our intensity is different. I am usually the one excited to see him after a long day, look forward to having sex, sext him and be more touchy feely, compliment him more, excited about time alone without the kid, etc. Many times, it seems like he could take it or leave it. I came across this article and it really hit home: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201105/when-the-one-you-love-doesnt-love-you-much

"...where both people do love each other, but the kind and intensity of the love is different. In our example, while Debra is madly in love with Albert, Albert likes her, but does not love her as much as she loves him. His attitude is not without any traces of romantic love. It involves caring and companionship, but a lesser degree of romantic love. There is a point of love's intensity below which it is not worth being together, but Albert's feelings are above this point."

Sometimes it really feels crummy. I feel unwanted and frustrated. Other times, I don't care as much. I don't really see a solution to this, having a talk for him to show he loves me more won't really make me feel more "wanted" as I know he'd just be going through motions to make me happy. I want him to randomly grab me or tell me he wants to spend more time with me, not some grand gesture.

Is this love difference normal? How do you deal?

[Anonymous]

You deal by not picking at this issue and focusing on it to the exclusion of other more positive things in your marriage.

But what about it worries you? Are you afraid your husband might leave you?

[Anonymous]

Look on the bright side. He just doesn't love you "as much" as you love him (though it could be he does, he just doesn't show it well).

My spouse doesn't love me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You deal by not picking at this issue and focusing on it to the exclusion of other more positive things in your marriage.

But what about it worries you? Are you afraid your husband might leave you?

No, I am not worried he will leave me. I just want to feel what's on the other side - feeling wanted instead of doing the chasing. Getting in my early 30s and just feel like there is a huge void there. Is this it - will I never know that feeling? Maybe men don't feel this way, but I think many women want to feel attractive and wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look on the bright side. He just doesn't love you "as much" as you love him (though it could be he does, he just doesn't show it well).

My spouse doesn't love me at all.

But do you love him?

[Anonymous]

Men have difficulty relating and feeling love the same way women do.

He may feel every bit as strongly as you, yet not outwardly show that.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to dial the intensity down a notch. Make him work for it a little. Don't be constantly rushing to greet him at the door when he gets home, making plans just the two of you, initiating sex all the time, etc. Let him come to you.

Look, we all know playing hard to get works when dating. It's not so different for marriage. Don't let him think he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to dial the intensity down a notch. Make him work for it a little. Don't be constantly rushing to greet him at the door when he gets home, making plans just the two of you, initiating sex all the time, etc. Let him come to you.

Look, we all know playing hard to get works when dating. It's not so different for marriage. Don't let him think he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

THIS
If you're doing all the initiating it doesn't give him a chance and it devalues you.

[Anonymous]

Look up the word needy! Men are not as effusive in how they show affection as women are. Women hug each other and air kiss. Men shake hands and since 9/11 might give a man hug.

[Anonymous]

Well here is the problem with what you describe in a nutshell:

Albert has greater control of the situation; he can continue this relationship as long as he wishes, because the love of Debra is almost guaranteed. And if he happens to find a woman with whom he is madly in love with, he may pursue this new relationship. In a sense, Albert is compromising his present to secure his future. Debra is more vulnerable as she has less control of the situation. She gives up the control of her future in order to enjoy profound love in the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to dial the intensity down a notch. Make him work for it a little. Don't be constantly rushing to greet him at the door when he gets home, making plans just the two of you, initiating sex all the time, etc. Let him come to you.

Look, we all know playing hard to get works when dating. It's not so different for marriage. Don't let him think he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

THIS
If you're doing all the initiating it doesn't give him a chance and it devalues you.

I have tried this on and off throughout the years and it seems to make zero difference. I have on a whole just supressed myself a bit more - make a ton more plans with friends, pick up a hobby I do at night without him, etc. I dont think I can surpress it much more than that on a permanent basis. On a short term basis, over the past week I havent initated any physical contact, but he hasn't made any move so at some point I will probably just give in.

[Anonymous]

DONT give in- do intermittent fasting (it helps lower libido) and really work on yourself. Just avoid being around him- if the situation makes you feel bad enough to post here then your husband wether purposefully or not is making you sad, You should avoid ppl who make you sad.

My husband is like this, honestly he also works in BigLAW and i'm very introverted so am needy but he also sucks at mitigating his insane hours. I realized that he makes me feel on edge and unhappy when he is around so I just avoid him which is really easy to do anyways and now i just think of myself as a single person who isn't dating right now and i feel so much better. I know i don't sound better b/c I'm revisiting this but in day to day life- i feel so much better.

Just hang in there- one day you won't care as much about this guy and when your kids are off to college you will be free to find someone who respects you. I think this comes down to respect more than love b/c if someone dignifies your needs and wants even if they aren't the same as their own- they'll make an effort, if they disrespect you than they'll be like "I don't have to make an effort b/c you are ridiculous". Someone who respects you doesn't think you are being ridiculous just b/c you are different from them. And we often love people we don't respect.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure he is just not a less expressive person than you are? I believe that my husband loves me as much as I love him, but he's a rational, stereotypical engineer type - not all that emotional and expressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to dial the intensity down a notch. Make him work for it a little. Don't be constantly rushing to greet him at the door when he gets home, making plans just the two of you, initiating sex all the time, etc. Let him come to you.

Look, we all know playing hard to get works when dating. It's not so different for marriage. Don't let him think he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

THIS
If you're doing all the initiating it doesn't give him a chance and it devalues you.

Too needy. It get's old after awhile imo. She probably needs to love herself more, sounds a little too consumed.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him?