When your spouse doesn't love you (as much)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to dial the intensity down a notch. Make him work for it a little. Don't be constantly rushing to greet him at the door when he gets home, making plans just the two of you, initiating sex all the time, etc. Let him come to you.

Look, we all know playing hard to get works when dating. It's not so different for marriage. Don't let him think he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

THIS
If you're doing all the initiating it doesn't give him a chance and it devalues you.

I have tried this on and off throughout the years and it seems to make zero difference. I have on a whole just supressed myself a bit more - make a ton more plans with friends, pick up a hobby I do at night without him, etc. I dont think I can surpress it much more than that on a permanent basis. On a short term basis, over the past week I havent initated any physical contact, but he hasn't made any move so at some point I will probably just give in.

You probably have to keep it up for at least three - six months if you want it to have any effect.

[Anonymous]

It isn't actually easier being the person who loves less. I hate it. It makes me feel guilty for not caring about him as much as he cares about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn't actually easier being the person who loves less. I hate it. It makes me feel guilty for not caring about him as much as he cares about me.

+1

[Anonymous]

My DW would agree with OP but she showns me no intimacy at all. She is the kind of person who wants me to hold hands and say I love you all the time but yet she is reluctant to have any sexual relations. What gives?

[Anonymous]

How long have you been together? Early on in my relationship with my DH I didn't feel he was as intense about me as I was about him. When we'd be driving in a car he wouldn't say a word to me so I assumed he was upset about something. It turns out he never talks when he drives because he wants to concentrate. He'd get home from work and I wanted a big hug and to chat and he just wanted a drink and relax. It turns out after a long day and a terrible commute he just needed to catch his breath. My point is that in the first 5+ years of our relationship I was often confused by his actions and that he was not as in to me as I was in to him. Over time I figured this out and come to realize that he really did love me even if he wasn't as intense about it as me. And, he's become much better at showing signs of affection as he's learned more about me. We've been married 30 years so we've really both moved more toward the middle. I'm not as anxious/needy as I once was and he is far more giving/effusive than he once was. There was no aha moment, just growing together. Very important is that from day 1 he has always been very loving in bed!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm wondering - do you think this is just the way your DH is, or do you think this dynamic is particular to your relationship? And that he might be different with another partner? What does your gut and knowledge of him tell you?

Also - if he can "take you or leave you", why do you think he married you? What was your relationship like when you were dating?

[Anonymous]

Also - does he have a low libido?

[Anonymous]

You said that you know he loves you and cares about you so it sounds like maybe you need to talk to someone about why you feel the way you do.

I think it would be hard to find a relationship where each party loves the other exactly equally so I think your expectations are probably unrealistic in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation in my marriage and took me a while to realize they don't love you less - they're just not as affectionate/mushy as you. That's who they are and its something you have to accept because that's a big part of love - acceptance.
Two other big parts of love are communication and compromise and if you communicate these feelings to your spouse he shouldn't have a problem understanding your need for more attention or your desire to get a reprieve from initiating things sometimes and making adjustments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been together? Early on in my relationship with my DH I didn't feel he was as intense about me as I was about him. When we'd be driving in a car he wouldn't say a word to me so I assumed he was upset about something. It turns out he never talks when he drives because he wants to concentrate. He'd get home from work and I wanted a big hug and to chat and he just wanted a drink and relax. It turns out after a long day and a terrible commute he just needed to catch his breath. My point is that in the first 5+ years of our relationship I was often confused by his actions and that he was not as in to me as I was in to him. Over time I figured this out and come to realize that he really did love me even if he wasn't as intense about it as me. And, he's become much better at showing signs of affection as he's learned more about me. We've been married 30 years so we've really both moved more toward the middle. I'm not as anxious/needy as I once was and he is far more giving/effusive than he once was. There was no aha moment, just growing together. Very important is that from day 1 he has always been very loving in bed!

My DH and I have a very similar relationship. When we were dating he rarely held my hand and I wondered why not? 20 years later he's still not a hand holder but we are very in love. Men are different, people are different. You just need to know that those differences aren't bad. You just need to learn to live with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW would agree with OP but she showns me no intimacy at all. She is the kind of person who wants me to hold hands and say I love you all the time but yet she is reluctant to have any sexual relations. What gives?

OP here. I dont withthold intimacy, but our frequency has definitely gone down from about 4x a week to 2x a week. Some of that is probably because we now have a kid, but some of it is also that I am tired of being the one to initiate. Eventhough our sex is great once we get going, I feel like he cant possibly be enjoying it as much as me because we will go without for days or weeks unless I initiate. He's also turned me down a few times, including BJs, and while that doesnt bother me on its own, in combination with the general lack of physical affection, it definitely contributes to why I feel the way I do.

Have you tried initiating more physical contact? Holding hands or putting your arm around her? Pulling her to the side and giving a passionate kiss? See if that will help spark the intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm wondering - do you think this is just the way your DH is, or do you think this dynamic is particular to your relationship? And that he might be different with another partner? What does your gut and knowledge of him tell you?

Also - if he can "take you or leave you", why do you think he married you? What was your relationship like when you were dating?

Our relationship has always been pretty solid. We met in college and fell in love. He is smart, funny, outgoing and incredibly handsome. I am objectively attractive, former biglaw associate, and very social. I think I have always been more into him - I remember having some conversations/disagreements about this when we first started dating. He is very thoughtful, so I can tell he still loves me but maybe not "in love" with me? How can you be "in love" with someone and not ever feel the need to be physically intimate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been together? Early on in my relationship with my DH I didn't feel he was as intense about me as I was about him. When we'd be driving in a car he wouldn't say a word to me so I assumed he was upset about something. It turns out he never talks when he drives because he wants to concentrate. He'd get home from work and I wanted a big hug and to chat and he just wanted a drink and relax. It turns out after a long day and a terrible commute he just needed to catch his breath. My point is that in the first 5+ years of our relationship I was often confused by his actions and that he was not as in to me as I was in to him. Over time I figured this out and come to realize that he really did love me even if he wasn't as intense about it as me. And, he's become much better at showing signs of affection as he's learned more about me. We've been married 30 years so we've really both moved more toward the middle. I'm not as anxious/needy as I once was and he is far more giving/effusive than he once was. There was no aha moment, just growing together. Very important is that from day 1 he has always been very loving in bed!

We've been together 10 years. It bothered me in the beginning but then I just sort of accepted it and did other things to fill up my time. Not sure what has changed since then, but it seems like there is a void that has been growing. It makes me sad and I am worried that if my feelings continue on this tragectory, I may end up resenting him instead of loving him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have a very similar relationship. When we were dating he rarely held my hand and I wondered why not? 20 years later he's still not a hand holder but we are very in love. Men are different, people are different. You just need to know that those differences aren't bad. You just need to learn to live with them.

OK, seriously? What does it feel like to be very [much] in love 20 years later? I frankly don't know.

[Anonymous]

All,of us have to accept that no relationship is perfect. If it's good 70% or more then let it go.