When your spouse doesn't love you (as much)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look on the bright side. He just doesn't love you "as much" as you love him (though it could be he does, he just doesn't show it well).

My spouse doesn't love me at all.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't love my husband as much as he loves me, and I wish I did. I had a couple of relationships before him where I loved the other person more, but my husband is a much better person and deserves intense love way more than those guys did. I do love him a lot though.

[Anonymous]

Read The 5 Languages of Love. This book saved my marriage.
You probably have different ways of expressing love.

[Anonymous]

Man here, I don't think I am capable of being madly in love with anyone. Love yes, lust for sure but that is short term. It's more of a mellow thing. Just the way I am wired, maybe your DH too.

[Anonymous]

Interesting article. It doesn't have to be the dichotomy the author puts out - either you love more than your partner but suffer anxiety, or you are the one loved more and you give up passion in exchange for security.

I remember when I loved a guy a hell of a lot more than he cared for me. At the beginning I was all those things - worried, sad, anxious. But at some point, I let all those things go. I said to myself, do I care enough to not be with him? The answer was no. So I let it go, I enjoyed my time with him, and it was some of the happiest days I remember.

Interestingly enough, because of school and work we had to be separated for a while and he told me after thinking about it that he didn't want to commit to me. Fine. It actually didn't bother me. Then I found someone else a few months later, and he lost his shit. I guess he had me on the back burner after all.

[Anonymous]

This could be way off base, but any chance he's gay/bi? I dated a man once who sounds a lot like your DH. I couldn't believe he would turn me down for sex, and that was early in our relationship. It really hurt my feelings. He was otherwise a great boyfriend.

Did you and DH ever go through a period when you felt he was really into you physically? Early on?

My boyfriend's browser history revealed that he was also into men, and we broke up soon after. Although he's married to a woman now and they have a kid, so go figure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DONT give in- do intermittent fasting (it helps lower libido) and really work on yourself. Just avoid being around him- if the situation makes you feel bad enough to post here then your husband wether purposefully or not is making you sad, You should avoid ppl who make you sad.

My husband is like this, honestly he also works in BigLAW and i'm very introverted so am needy but he also sucks at mitigating his insane hours. I realized that he makes me feel on edge and unhappy when he is around so I just avoid him which is really easy to do anyways and now i just think of myself as a single person who isn't dating right now and i feel so much better. I know i don't sound better b/c I'm revisiting this but in day to day life- i feel so much better.

Just hang in there- one day you won't care as much about this guy and when your kids are off to college you will be free to find someone who respects you. I think this comes down to respect more than love b/c if someone dignifies your needs and wants even if they aren't the same as their own- they'll make an effort, if they disrespect you than they'll be like "I don't have to make an effort b/c you are ridiculous". Someone who respects you doesn't think you are being ridiculous just b/c you are different from them. And we often love people we don't respect.

You're idea is to just... not be around her husband? The husband she wants to feel loved by? This is why divorce rates are so high. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DONT give in- do intermittent fasting (it helps lower libido) and really work on yourself. Just avoid being around him- if the situation makes you feel bad enough to post here then your husband wether purposefully or not is making you sad, You should avoid ppl who make you sad.

My husband is like this, honestly he also works in BigLAW and i'm very introverted so am needy but he also sucks at mitigating his insane hours. I realized that he makes me feel on edge and unhappy when he is around so I just avoid him which is really easy to do anyways and now i just think of myself as a single person who isn't dating right now and i feel so much better. I know i don't sound better b/c I'm revisiting this but in day to day life- i feel so much better.

Just hang in there- one day you won't care as much about this guy and when your kids are off to college you will be free to find someone who respects you. I think this comes down to respect more than love b/c if someone dignifies your needs and wants even if they aren't the same as their own- they'll make an effort, if they disrespect you than they'll be like "I don't have to make an effort b/c you are ridiculous". Someone who respects you doesn't think you are being ridiculous just b/c you are different from them. And we often love people we don't respect.

You're idea is to just... not be around her husband? The husband she wants to feel loved by? This is why divorce rates are so high. Good lord.

I disagree. I think PP is trying to say OP should get some self-respect and self-worth and instead of chasing the guy, putting some distance between them and finding herself instead of pining away for a man who won't reciprocate. I think this is great advice. And bonus points for not game-playing (e.g., play hard-to-get and hope that it stokes his interest - which is kinda sad and pathetic if you think about it). If he happens to take notice of her absence, great. If not, it's perhaps better that she find some other pursuits that don't revolve around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, I don't think I am capable of being madly in love with anyone. Love yes, lust for sure but that is short term. It's more of a mellow thing. Just the way I am wired, maybe your DH too.

Babe, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Does he give you orgasms or do you have to do that yourself during relations with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read The 5 Languages of Love. This book saved my marriage.
You probably have different ways of expressing love.

That did nothing for my relationship with DW. Her response was "I never realized physical touch was so important to you."
She has yet to change her ways to meet my language

[Anonymous]

You know, in our long relationship with my DH, I've been on both sides, and to be honest being more into him than he was into me was better *for me.* I was just happier. Maybe because I liked being the pursuer better, but I was just more engaged.

Now that I'm more in the "it's fine" state of mind, I like my DH's attention, and I still love him, and it's nice to be pursued, but overall it's not as exciting.

The other thing is, you don't really know how your DH really feels about you, that's not possible for you to find out, all you know is how he behaves. Don't focus on that too much, instead focus on your happiness of having the person you want and desire with you.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone feel that you and your spouse love each other equally? Equally and a lot, I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read The 5 Languages of Love. This book saved my marriage.
You probably have different ways of expressing love.

That did nothing for my relationship with DW. Her response was "I never realized physical touch was so important to you."
She has yet to change her ways to meet my language

Well, people have to want to change or no book will help. I'm sorry

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Some men do not know how to express their feelings, and it can take years to figure them out! Your husband could be stressed at work and he doesn't want to worry you about it. I hate that you feel crummy or unwanted at times, but I hope you and your husband can get the help you need to make your marriage strong!