What to do about lazy boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I started dating 12 years ago back in high school, and made it through going away to different colleges and a couple more years in different cities. A year ago, we decided to move in together and it seems like things have gone downhill ever since. I love him more than anything, but am seriously questioning whether or not I can spend the rest of my life with him. The bigger problem is that I truly don't know how I could even walk away. We both come from big Italian families that are woven together as if we have been married for years. Our grandmothers and mothers are best friends, our families spend pretty much every holiday together, every celebration and more.

My main issue with him is that he is extremely lazy and unmotivated, not driven to be successful at work or anything really, and just kind of coasts through life. Our families are both fairly wealthy, but the difference is that my parents instilled a strong work ethic in me and I have worked hard since graduating from college. I have a good job at a top company, where I have advanced and started building a name for myself. BF has had a string of random jobs, but would seriously be content not ever doing anything and sitting in the apartment surfing the internet all day every day. His parents just send a big check every month, and seem to be okay with his lack of interest in working, which is odd considering that his father grew up poor and built a successful business from scratch. He thought about going to business school or law school, just for fun I guess, but in 2 years can't get around to taking the entrance exams or even cracking a book to study. He also worked for his father's company for a year, but decided it wasn't the right job for him (his older brother plans to take it over anyway).

So, is it possible to get over this lack of ambition and be okay with the fact that he has no real "work" plans for his life? He is a great boyfriend in every other way - he is thoughtful and romantic, always fun to be around, and I know he loves me as much as I love him. But this one issue is a huge one, and I already feel like I am starting to resent him for it. He is essentially a housewife with no kids (and no, he has no interest in staying home with kids when/if we have them).

I think he is planning to propose very soon, and really need to figure out what to do.

[Anonymous]

Instructions: Active Dumptronic 45000.

[Anonymous]

There are other, better men out there. Find one. Marry him. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This isn't not a dress rehearsal. Make the most of your life.

No, I don't think you can just get over his lack of ambition. Resentment is not something that just goes away.

You know what you have to do OP. It's going to suck. But it won't suck as much as wasting your life with someone you don't respect. And the pain of ending this will be a fraction of time compared to spending another 12 years with him.

Move on. Now.

[Anonymous]

you should move on but know you will never love someone as purely as you do this guy.

should your future husband who is a 'gunner', suffer an economic setback, you'll resent him.

[Anonymous]

fyi, don't date an italian next. if you want an ambitious white collar type, you should look to jewish, episcopalian, or asian.

there's a reason why italy is an economic basket case.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed this with him? Told him frankly how you feel? Impressed on him that the 12-year relationship he seems to assume will continue for life is jeopardized? I didn't see in the post anything indicating you had laid all this out for him or made clear that this is becoming a deal-breaker.

If you haven't had this discussion, well, he can't read your mind and may be assuming things are fine and you condone his choice not to work and to accept dad's money.

If you have talked about this -- was it over time as you said, "What happened with the grad school idea?" etc., piecemeal? Or has there been a sit-down "come to Jesus" talk where you were extremely direct about the one large issue of your deep problem with his lack of a job/ambition/interest in a life beyond the Internet?

It would help to know if this is a problem that's out in the open between you or a problem that you see but about which he's oblivious.

After such a long time together he sounds like he's totally assuming his life is fine with you because you've stayed with him. The fact the families are so enmeshed is going to mean a lot of people may visit a ton of guilt on you for breaking up with him. I really would tell him what you're feeling and then tell him that couples counseling, starting immediately, is a non-negotiable next step. Also consider therapy for yourself because you may want help navigating family guilt and a possible breakup after such a long relationship.

[Anonymous]

As Wilford Brimley says in his diabetes supplies commercials, be glad for what you have and that things aren't worse than they are. There's a line in the song -- Forget your troubles and just get happy. You better chase all your cares away.

[Anonymous]

This is who he is. It won't change. You cannot make him change. He will say he'll change and make some sort of effort to keep things the same with you. It will be temporary, if at all. This is who he is. It won't change. Etc. Etc.

[Anonymous]

did you guys go to similar colleges. Were you guys similar type of students in hs and/or in college?

or was he always lazy/unmotivated in hs too while you were the gunner type-a student and you guys just hit it off and dated?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I went to Syracuse and he went to Florida State. He was an average student, I can't say for sure that he tried too hard. But his parents never made college an option. I don't think I ever saw how unmotivated he is until we moved in together since I now know he is home all day (except for gym, meeting friends for lunch). He was still working for his dad up until a year and a half ago.

I have had a discussion with him a couple times and his position is that he is very fortunate to not need to work, ever, so he doesn't want to waste his time in some job he isn't really passionate about. I completely understand that, but think he still needs to find something to do - volunteer, get a hobby or whatever. He now claims he wants to start his own business, but has no idea what it is yet.

[Anonymous]

He is rich from a good family? Who cares if he is lazy.

[Anonymous]

Too much identifying information in this thread

[Anonymous]

Once kids come around, his laziness will be the source of all your fights. You can outsource lots of things, but being a dad and partner in parenting is not something you can outsource. Get out now before you have kids.