When is it NOT better to stay together for the kids?

[Anonymous]

DCUM, I feel extremely conflicted, so please be kind.

I am overwhelmed at the moment. Have a toddler and an infant and live overseas with my husband. When I was two months pregnant, I found out my husband had cheated on me. I feel almost certain there's more he has not told me. Additionally, he's emotionally abusive - blaming, accusing, gaslighting crazymaking. I try to diffuse or just walk away but it's like this tension builds and he just has to have an argument like it's some kind of pressure valve. I feel extremely stressed living with him.

That said, my children are very small and I feel vulnerable. Getting really financially solid is going to take some time. I worry about the financial implications of divorce now and in the future (healthcare costs, college savings, etc etc etc). I worry I couldn't handle being a single mother. Foolishly, perhaps, I worry about the societal implications of my children growing up with divorced parents.

I know it's not a healthy home environment but I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the prospect of leaving my husband. Is it better to just suck it up and stay for the kids, or should I get out??

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation, husband cheated on me, was emotionally abusive, he drank too much, was basically checked out. Refused to go to counseling (although I did for a year). We have been separated/divorced for almost 2 years now and I am so much healthier, saner, and happier. I am so glad I got out when I did. My DD has had a rough transition, after the separation exDH took off with OW and sees DD rarely, he calls her when he feels like it. She is getting in trouble in school, has a lot of anger. But this stems from her father ditching her. I think she'd have coped better if he didn't bail out on her. Try your best to establish co-parenting, if possible. I tried, but I can't convince my ex-DH to show up and act like a father. I am disappointed, but relieved at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer now, set aside money in your name only--that he doesn't know about. Set up a support network. The fact you are overseas may complicate custody issues. Are you with State? If so there are resources.

[Anonymous]

Your first priority should be financial security. Are you working? Do you have a plan to get a job?

After you're in a good place financially, then you can decide if it makes sense to leave. See a lawyer right away about what you can expect in a divorce and get advice about how to protect yourself - and do it. Would you be better off filling in the U.S. or abroad?

All of the above happens before you so much as bring up separation with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Also save evidence of the cheating. It may deter him from wanting to go to court, if it comes to that. BUt avoid that if at all possible!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses. I've been SAH but am interviewing for a job this week. It pays peanuts but I plan on using it as a jumping off point - will get a higher paying job sometime in the next year. Will just save money and confer with an attorney for now.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a verbally abusive mom. It has had a negative impact on me that reverberated broughout my life in many ways. As a result, my 2 main long term partnerships were both also verbally, emotionally and/or physically abusive.

When my ex cheated on me, I knew I had to get out with the kids. The fact that I gave them an emotionally safe and connected home has enabled them to develop into terrific kids, even though their dad, whom they see often, has a lot of problems. And, even though we are pretty financially limited.

Take your time to establish yourself with a job history. Wait if you must to file when you are back in the States. But make a long term plan to get out. You may not be able to support your kids at the same level as with 2 incomes, but an emotionally safe 2 br apartment is much better than an emotionally abusive 2 parent colonial.

Also, read up on emotional abuse. I didn't recognize it at the time, but the emotionally abusive adult relationships did tremendous damage to me. I thought once I recognized the abuse, that alone would be enough to prevent the damage, but emotional abuse has subtle but crippling effects and the patterns of changed behavior and thinking are difficult to undo on your own.

[Anonymous]

You again. Same advice as the last 15 posts: leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a verbally abusive mom. It has had a negative impact on me that reverberated broughout my life in many ways. As a result, my 2 main long term partnerships were both also verbally, emotionally and/or physically abusive.

When my ex cheated on me, I knew I had to get out with the kids. The fact that I gave them an emotionally safe and connected home has enabled them to develop into terrific kids, even though their dad, whom they see often, has a lot of problems. And, even though we are pretty financially limited.

Take your time to establish yourself with a job history. Wait if you must to file when you are back in the States. But make a long term plan to get out. You may not be able to support your kids at the same level as with 2 incomes, but an emotionally safe 2 br apartment is much better than an emotionally abusive 2 parent colonial.

Also, read up on emotional abuse. I didn't recognize it at the time, but the emotionally abusive adult relationships did tremendous damage to me. I thought once I recognized the abuse, that alone would be enough to prevent the damage, but emotional abuse has subtle but crippling effects and the patterns of changed behavior and thinking are difficult to undo on your own.

+1

Went from 2000 sq ft to 200 in a hotel initially. Built and emotional support network for you during this long journey too. It will be tough at times and you need a healthy place to discuss the rollercoaster of emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You again. Same advice as the last 15 posts: leave.

Maybe you should leave DCUM. Not everyone follows thread by thread and here are many more readers and visitors than commenters.

[Anonymous]

If you are unhappy, your children will always live under that shadow so it isn't doing them any good to stay together for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You again. Same advice as the last 15 posts: leave.

Maybe you should leave DCUM. Not everyone follows thread by thread and here are many more readers and visitors than commenters.

NP. To be fair, regulars here have seen what appears to be this same woman posting this exact same issue regularly, and lots of people have tried to help. She always ignores everything and then comes back like a broken record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM, I feel extremely conflicted, so please be kind.

I am overwhelmed at the moment. Have a toddler and an infant and live overseas with my husband. When I was two months pregnant, I found out my husband had cheated on me. I feel almost certain there's more he has not told me. Additionally, he's emotionally abusive - blaming, accusing, gaslighting crazymaking. I try to diffuse or just walk away but it's like this tension builds and he just has to have an argument like it's some kind of pressure valve. I feel extremely stressed living with him.

That said, my children are very small and I feel vulnerable. Getting really financially solid is going to take some time. I worry about the financial implications of divorce now and in the future (healthcare costs, college savings, etc etc etc). I worry I couldn't handle being a single mother. Foolishly, perhaps, I worry about the societal implications of my children growing up with divorced parents.

I know it's not a healthy home environment but I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the prospect of leaving my husband. Is it better to just suck it up and stay for the kids, or should I get out??

Is it possible for you to seek counseling where you live? How long do you expect to live overseas? Are you legally allowed to work where you live? Are you working now?

I personally think that marriages are only worth saving when both parties WANT to save them. I know couples who have recovered from cheating, but it takes time and the investment of both people to not blame, accuse, gaslight, etc. I have never seen that happen without a counselor being involved, ever.

I would worry less about stigma for your kids if you divorce. That's not really as big of a consideration as it used to be. Lots of kids have divorced parents, single parents, etc.

[Anonymous]

Child of divorce here. If the home environment is you walking around on eggshells and him being emotionally abusive, that will be bad for the kids. Even if he ends up with shared custody, breaking that cycle is better than living in that type of house for your whole childhood.

- Been there

[Anonymous]

In this case. Leave. Another one who did it, life is way better. It is nice not being horribly emotionally abused anymore. A new lease on life. Kids thriving.

Lawyer up and read chumplady.

Be strong. You can do this. Love to you.