How much support for dh?

[Anonymous]

Dh did something stupid during work trip and it's caused a lot of embarrassment for him and our family. As of now, a small circle knows what happened, but I'm assuming that won't be contained. There is a work event coming up and I usually attend. I feel I shouldn't go this year because of what happened. I'll be embarrassed if I go, but what if don't go? Will that indicate I don't support my dh?

So torn....

[Anonymous]

Need more details. Is it embarrassing for you?

[Anonymous]

Need WAY more details.

How long has it been since this transgression?
How severe was it, was he in risk of losing his job?


We need to know many more details before anyone can give you advice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op here - I definitely would be embarrassed thinking that everyone knows and thinks of me as the naive wife even though I know ask the details.

It will be about 4 months from one event to another.

There is a possibility of him getting demoted - dh can't skip the event. As I'm writing this, I think I worry more how I'm going to be perceived in the eyes of others.

[Anonymous]

Have you forgiven him for the transgression? Why would this still be talked about four months later and why would there still be pending consequences so much later?

I think if you've truly forgiven him and it's an event you generally attend, and one spouses normally attend, then you should go.

[Anonymous]

Op here -

Good point - it probably won't be talked about 4 months later. I have forgiven him but not forgotten and it's still heavy in my heart. We have spent hours and hours talking and came up with solutions, but I'm a thinker. I think of the worst case scenarios all the time and envision other couples staring at us and talking behind our backs.

[Anonymous]

I agree, you should go.
If you've forgiven him, present a united front.
I'm assuming this has to do with some kind of infidelity/flirtation because you don't want to be known as the naive wife, correct?

The previous poster asked a great question... why would there still be a risk if demotion of its been 4 months already?
Companies usually like to handle things like this swiftly & quietly.

[Anonymous]

What was the transgression? Like can you say generally the topic of it

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say it but you both will be talked about regardless. If you go and play the part of the doting supportive wife there to support DH's career - ppl will be thinking (or saying behind your back) - can't believe poor sweet DW doesn't understand or want to accept that DH hooked up on the last business trip, I would never stand for that; or DW has no choice but to show, she can't leave him bc she's always been a SAHM and probably has to figure out a job first - poor DW has to just grin and bear it.

If you don't go, it'll be - Bob's wife always used to come to this event, I guess things have changed since he hooked up though - I wonder if their marriage survives.

Your call but I'd rather be talked about in scenario number two than be thought of as either a naive wife who doesn't get that DH is cheating or the poor woman who has to bear it bc she has no economic self sufficiency. Scenario 2 makes DH look like the bad guy bc it leaves the impression that he caused issues in his home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say it but you both will be talked about regardless. If you go and play the part of the doting supportive wife there to support DH's career - ppl will be thinking (or saying behind your back) - can't believe poor sweet DW doesn't understand or want to accept that DH hooked up on the last business trip, I would never stand for that; or DW has no choice but to show, she can't leave him bc she's always been a SAHM and probably has to figure out a job first - poor DW has to just grin and bear it.

If you don't go, it'll be - Bob's wife always used to come to this event, I guess things have changed since he hooked up though - I wonder if their marriage survives.

Your call but I'd rather be talked about in scenario number two than be thought of as either a naive wife who doesn't get that DH is cheating or the poor woman who has to bear it bc she has no economic self sufficiency. Scenario 2 makes DH look like the bad guy bc it leaves the impression that he caused issues in his home life.

You care FAR too much about what other people think of you.

[Anonymous]

You should go. After four months they've moved on to something else. It's also likely that spouses don't know about it - neither my spouse nor I would bring this kind of gossip home, simply because we don't have enough time to talk about the things we WANT to talk about, much less worry about you. I think other people may not gossip about it because they don't want to raise questions about similar behavior of their own. No one is perfect. No marriage is perfect. Go.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go but we tend to skip all but the most obviously family focused work events with each other's employers.

[Anonymous]

If you've always gone to the event AND you've forgiven your husband, then go.

Don't overthink it. Hold your head high, be charming and engaging and screw anyone who thinks they can sit and judge another couple.

[Anonymous]

I recommend posting this is in the jobs forum.

Has your husband received some sort of Proposal to Demote or other adverse action proposal at work?

You seem very hesitant to share any details but this is so vague. I'm an employment counsel for a federal agency and I'd like to give you concrete advice but the vague threat of a demotion four months after an embarrassing incident is not enough information.

I would like to set your mind at ease if there were slightly more info here. Demotions in the federal service are not usually taken based on one act of misconduct.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say without knowing the details but on the surface if it's that big that you think people will be talking about it 4 months later, he could get demoted and it involved something that you had forgive, I wouldn't go. I can't imagine in less than 4 months whatever drove your DH to do what he did has been resolved so it would lead people to say what 00:21 mentioned that either wife doesn't know or she is staying with him for the money. It's unfair but if you go, you get judged versus having him strictly deal with the consequences of his actions. The fact that you are still together and that you go to some future event is your support.