Question for secondary infertility moms - when to quit?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
This question is for those facing secondary infertility. I don't mean to offend anyone who is struggling to conceive #1.
I have a 4.5 year old and have now been trying to conceive #2 for 18 months. I am 37 and DH is 39. I've had 2 MCs and then started seeing an RE who diagnosed me with DOR. We moved to IVF and my first egg retrieval was just cancelled due to poor response (just had one follicle developing). I am seriously struggling with whether or not to keep going or just quit while I am ahead. I am grateful to have one healthy child and am starting to question whether this is all worth it. I would like to have another child, but am not sure I have what it takes to make it happen. Maybe I just don't want it badly enough? Plus, at this point my DD is in such a great stage - independent, fun, we can stay out all day. The longer this takes, the more I question being able to go back to the baby stage again. Just wondering if anyone else feels this way if you already have one child. Thanks for sharing. |
Anonymous
| Move to donor eggs, get pregnant quickly and move on with your life. I was waffley. We did one DE attempt, it worked and I'm so grateful my older kid is not an only. |
Anonymous
|
Gave up after post-IVF m/c #4. I get sad about it sometimes but those times are getting further and further apart. I badly wanted another child, but I have to admit that our family is pretty awesome the way it is.
There are many paths. Good luck with yours. |
Anonymous
|
It's so individual, OP. And there is no wrong choice. I thought I was prepared to do IVF. But as we got farther and farther down the rabbit hole with testing (turned out to have immune and clotting issues) I realized I wasn't. We committed to doing 3 IUIs or 1 more miscarriage (after having had 3 in a row), whichever came first. Amazingly one of the IUIs worked. But our decision crystallized on the night I had some spotting at 7 weeks after the successful IUI -- I was sure it was a fourth miscarriage and I realized I just couldn't go through it again after that. I was ready to quit. And DH had always been less invested than I. Luckily the pregnancy continued and I am due soon. But if G-d forbid it still doesn't happen successfully, we are done. I realized I was living my life always thinking of the future and another child instead of enjoying the healthy, wonderful child I already have. Nothing is perfect and I decided that if it didn't work, I would mourn and move on. Financial considerations played a role too. We couldn't afford more than a few rounds of IVF and we definitely were not willing to go into debt.
Good luck with whatever you decide. |
Anonymous
|
I have two children and have suffered 2 mcs trying for 3rd.
I am trying simultaneously to accept it won't happen while still trying every month. I gave up on IVF due to poor response while trying for #2. But I think it's still important not to skip a cycle while keeping hopes low. |
Anonymous
|
If you want
More children how about becoming a foster parent. The Need is so great |
Anonymous
| I don't think DE, surrogates, or fostering are an ideal answer for everyone. That said, I think you just know when you've hit your limit. My DW and I had our only son via IVF and have been trying to have a second child for almost three years now. She's had three losses, one in the second trimester. For us, we feel that this cannot be the end of our story, and we have plans to continue with more FETs (we have a few embryos banked). We might switch insurance this year during open enrollment to ensure more attempts that are covered. We have discussed adoption and fostering, but we're not emotionally there yet. |
Anonymous
| I did 2 fresh IVF and a FET to have my first. A hysteroscopy and 2 FET to have my second. Now did 2 failed FET and just did an egg retrieval freeze all for a third. People remark all the time they can't believe the emotional stamina I have to put myself through this sh&&$t but having 2, I can say it's so worth it and I know it will be worth it if and when I have a third. For me, the more time and $$ and procedure I put into it; the less inclined I am to give up because I get more and more invested in it the harder I try and I feel like if I'm going to give up why did I waste all this effort? Like even another few cycles will be worth it if I have that child the rest of my life... I've only been trying for #3 for six months, so speak to me in a year I guess if I'm still trying, but that's how I feel |
Anonymous
|
OP I can totally relate. I'm 38, DH is 39, and we have a 3 year old son who I got pregnant with on the first try, easy pregnancy and delivery. Thought trying for a second would be easy. Been TTC #2 for 2.5 years and never seen a BFP. I have also been struggling with when to give up. I've been diagnosed with mild DOR (though the expert on DOR doesn't think so), and also mild immune issues, no issues with husband. No other health problems and all infertility tests normal. Besides my low AMH all my other bloodwork is fantastic (FSH is 5, etc.). Yet still zero pregnancy in 28 cycles.
I'm at that point emotionally where I no longer have any hope given that there's ever going to be a BFP. I don't buy pregnancy tests anymore and we are starting to give away the baby things. I worried about the stress I'm putting my body through with infertility treatments and worry about a cancer risk down the line, so we're done with IF treatments and are just trying naturally now with supplements and acupuncture. My husband is very depressed about our infertility and has not reached an acceptance at all. He says he cannot imagine us with an only child. I know that he doesn't consider us a "real" family and is constantly comparing us with his co-workers who have several kids. He has a lot of resentment towards me for my infertility issues. We have a perfect healthy son and I feel like maybe we should stop while we're ahead rather than risk pregnancy complications with AMA, cancer risk from fertility meds, etc. The problem is that I am an only child and I had a very lonely childhood growing up and am a very lonely adult now and I wanted my son to have a sibling so he could have a different, better experience. We've decided to TTC for 6 more months and if no pregnancy by then to close up shop and stop TTC. I'm starting to feel too old to be pregnant again. |
Anonymous
|
What cancer risk from infertility treatments?
Care to share those studies? |
Anonymous
Studies are inconclusive. Do a simple search. Some studies say yes there is an increased risk of cancer with IVF meds, others say no. Not to mention that some studies say there is an increased risk of the child getting cancer if they were conceived through IVF. |
Anonymous
| Having a child is such a momentous, life changing, permanent joy in your life that's ever changing. I'd be willing to risk a de minimus, DUBIOUS increased risk of cancer to enjoy that possibility. Certain risks we take in life are worth it. I have an increased risk of dying in a plane crash by frequently traveling- but the travel is worth it. If your desire for another kid isn't that objectively high such that the reward isn't worth the risk that's one thing, but when the studies are inconclusive AT BEST and possibly suggest no linkage, and even the linkage some have suggested is SO deminimus, it's worth it |
Anonymous
|
DD is 2.5. Been trying for 13 months and have not have a single BFP. Testing with OB came back with no issues. Have an appointment with RE in two weeks. Most certainly do not have the capital to go completely through IVF. Not even really sure we have the money to do a long haul with the RE. Every month I get so happy at the possibility (and convince myself that the "symptoms" I have are indicative of pregnancy) and then devastated at not being pregnant and even sadder that I don't think we will be able to afford IVF if it comes to that. I see people posting on the board that they take of HELOC or second mortgage, and that will not be an option for us.
I am so worried that I will never get pregnant again and worry we will only have a few attempts (insurance does not cover infertility) before we can't go any further. Just sharing alongside others and venting and feeling sad on day one of my period. |
Anonymous
Have you tried IUI to make sure you're getting the timing right? Have you been tested for immune issues? |