How Do You Parent When You Had Bad Parents?

[Anonymous]

I have two kids that are in the tween/young teen age group and as they get older I find myself doubting my parenting ability more and more.

My parents separated at the same age as my oldest is now and I haven't spoken to my mom since then. I grew up with my dad but can barely stand to be in the same room as him. Both of my parents are highly, highly self-centered. I had a lot of insecurities growing up. A reoccurring dream that I had as a young child was that a monster was trying to eat me and my parents just stood back and laughed.

People who know me well, tell me that to compensate for my lack of parenting that I try to be supermom. However my supermom skills are "generally" limited to working with my kids to ensure they have the best education. They are relatively successful there. I work full time and long hours as well and feel like lots of things fall in the cracks.

My biggest concerns as a parent is that I'm parenting all wrong and that I'm a narcissistic parent too. It's just that my narcissism is about making sure my kids do well in school. In my head, the reason that I'm so focused on education is that I had so much insecurity growing up that I feel like ensuring that my kids have a great education is the best way to help give them the best possible future.
I worry though that I'm not always meeting my kids other needs. I'm a horrible cook eg and both my children are extremely picky. I also worry that because I sit with my kids so much to help study for tests that they aren't developing the independence that they need....basically my life is work, helping my kids with homework and housework. I also feel like maybe I'm not as emotionally available for my kids as I should be because I'm always exhausted.

I'm not looking for sympathy for my upbringing because whatever happened is done. I'm only bringing it up so that you can understand sources of why I feel the way I do .

I just want to figure out how to be a better parent so they don't end up with the same issues..Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

Since you didn't have a good example read some parenting books to find out what you should be doing.

[Anonymous]

First of all, no one had ideal parenting because everyone is doing this for the first time without instructions. Let go of perfection. The idea is to be a "good enough" parent.

When you have less than ideal parenting, you think a lot about what you would do differently -- which you obviously have done. That alone makes you a better parent.

The fact that your kids are picky is not a failure on your part. Your children are going to have issues, OP, and that's inevitable.

[Anonymous]

I yell too much just as my mom did.

The orange rhino book has helped me some.

That might not apply to you, but there are many excellent books out there on all aspects of parenting. And libraries have tons of them.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps it would help you to list your goals: pushing your kids in their education. Helping them be independent (cleaning the house, cooking, doing school and other projects by themselves, orienting themselves outside, etc). Those things are actually not opposite, they are part of the same thing.

Unless your kids have learning disabilities, there is no need to hover, but there a need for ACCOUNTABILITY and RESPONSIBILITY. Your children should know that when they return home, they can have a short break with snack, then do their homework. If they have questions, they ask you. All their deadlines should be written in their calendar, all projects need to be chunked up, and they should discuss that with you so you can make weekend plans and manage the general schedule. You check their grades as often as possible online, and as soon as you notice something's off, you ask them about it. The most important thing is learning from one's mistakes, so have they gone over the assignment or test with their teacher? Have they forgotten to turn something in? They should know to always accept the make-up offer.

You have to work a lot as a manager, coach and scheduler, but not as a crutch.

[Anonymous]

I read a million parenting books and continue to read them. I also consult with a therapist every once in awhile as a professional check on my approaches.

It hasnt been perfect, but I'm doing so much better than my parents did.

[Anonymous]

Lots and lots of therapy. It's ongoing.

[Anonymous]

usually we do the opposite than our bad parents did. easy to over compensate.

[Anonymous]

I had no parenting at all. I was in and out of foster care when I wasn't with relatives who hated me, and showed it by alternately abusing or neglecting me.

I just do what i feel is right. I remember taking a health class in college where I learned there are five different types of health: physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual. So I try to address each of those areas. I have an anger management issue, so I decided when I started having kids that I would not ever hit, because I was scared I'd kill them if I started. I wasn't the greatest cook either OP, but one of my kids is amazing at it, and we've taken out cookbooks from the library to find good recipes everyone would like.

I barely ever help my kids with schoolwork. Every so often I ask what they're reading or what they're doing in a specific subject. I invite them to the library every week or two. I spend time with each alone, doing something they want to do.

[Anonymous]

I read parenting books but I also look for parenting mentors. When I see a mom who has a quality to her parenting I really admire (good at discipline, patient, empathic, etc.) I try to get to know her and will flat out ask her how she does it. "I notice your kids seem to really trust you and tell you things. How do you encourage that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read parenting books but I also look for parenting mentors. When I see a mom who has a quality to her parenting I really admire (good at discipline, patient, empathic, etc.) I try to get to know her and will flat out ask her how she does it. "I notice your kids seem to really trust you and tell you things. How do you encourage that?"

FWIW, I noticed that my DD started to "test" me around 12. She'd say "I'm going to tell you something, but don't get mad or give me a speech, okay?" And I insittuted something called The Circle of Trust. I say, "Step into the Circle of Trust, DD. Tell me about your decision to go to the mall after you specifically asked and I specifically said no you could only go to X." And it means if she tells the truth, she will not get punished.Both of these work out really well. I think DD thinks I will be offended or angry at a lot more than I actually am. I try to remind myself OFTEN of the horrible things I said and thought at DD's age/grade, and that helps me not freak out.

[Anonymous]

Is there a father in the picture? You shouldn't be doing this all by yourself. Part of being a good parent is modeling healthy behaviors with other adults and they need to see how you and DH or other adults work as a team to raise them. If that isn't possible, perhaps you can ease off on the all work-no play focus you now have with your children. They will rebel against that at some point. Incorporate some fun into your lives even if that means letting the homework wait while you take the kids to a movie or hike or out for some ice cream. It's those times they will look back fondly on when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

sounds to me like you're overcompensating and worrying you're not good enough. Here's the thing, the most important thing that kids need--above everything else--is love and acceptance. If you can give them unconditional love and acceptance, the rest is not that important. I think of this often-I work a lot, I yell, I am sometimes lazy, etc. But I do my best to show my kids all the time that I love them and I accept them for who they are. That's what you were missing as a child. The rest-=-homework, education, lessons, being a perfect parents--is just not that important. The good news is that you are completely capable of showing them that! Its clear in your post. Therapy would help, of course, for you to deal with your insecurities.

[Anonymous]

(1) You need to take care of yourself. If you are exhausted, you cannot be there emotionally for other people

(2) Books such as Unconditional Parenting and Playful Parenting can help you learn new parenting skills. Also How To Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

(3) You are more than a cook and a tutor for your kids. When was the last time you had fun with them? Do they think you enjoy their company? Do they think you enjoy *them,* rather than simply seeing them as an investment that must be secured through educational success? Find time to do something *fun* with each kid. Tell each kid, "I would really like to just spend some time hanging out with you. What would you like to do together, if you could do or go anywhere?" Then do it.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good practical ideas here. The first step is awareness. The worst parents aren't really aware of their flaws and the effects their own upbringing had on who they are and how they parent.

I have a good memory, and I can remember at every age what I wanted and how I felt as a child, and the ways my parents did things right or wrong. I use that to consider what my kids need and want from me at any phase of their life.

It sounds like your kids currently might need you to hover less over their schoolwork, and let them know you love and accept them as they are, and that you trust they are competent to handle their schoolwork and that they'll come to you when they need to. This is an important message to give our kids.

Use the time and energy you would have spent sitting with them during homework to do more fun and relaxing things with them. And forgive yourself for any failings, because we're all muddling through trying to parent. It's a good example for your kids to see how to forgive and love and accept ourselves and each other.