Spring breaks and helicopter parenting

[Anonymous]

This is a situation with a close family member but I've been pulled in the middle so ... hoping for advice.

College freshman is almost 19. He is in a frat. His parents are absolute helicopter parents. Father drives 12+ hours once a month to spend the weekend with him. They pay all his bills. Didn't allow him to take his car (that yes they bought and pay expenses for) because he "doesn't need to leave campus". Constant texts and phone calls throughout the day from his mom. The time she visited him she demanded he take her to a frat party so she can see what he gets up to, she also approves his dates still. This kid is an utter spoiled brat and its all his parents doing. He is also the golden child, while they hover over their younger son as well, older son can do no wrong and younger son never lives up to expectations.

So here is the issue. Parents are angry that he "announced" that he was going on spring break with his frat. His mother actually said to me, "He didn't ask, didn't give us any plans just told us he was going." Parents said, nope absolutely not, can't go. Kid throws epic tantrum. Parents concede a bit and say they will rent a house at the location and he will stay with them and his teenage brother and can "go to some of the events". Kid said, no way not doing that. They rented it anyway. He refused to go and was going to stay on campus. They went to pick him up anyway and forced him to go but apparently he just stayed in the room pissed off the whole time.

Now everyone is in a huge argument. Kid is pouting screaming at them several times at day that they ruined his life. Kid called my DH and tried to get him to convince his parents to let him go. DH told him he was an adult and needed to work it out himself. He also mentioned taking on a part time job. Now both kid and his parents are mad at my DH. Mom is mad at both DH and I because my step son went on his spring break and that wasn't fair to her son (he is a senior but both my step sons went on all their spring breaks and now we are accused of being bad parents because of it) When I reminded mom that we all went on our spring breaks when we were in college she seriously screamed at me "That was a different time!!!" and hung up the phone.

Even though this is now a moot point because spring break is over the tension and arguing seem to be building. Its really ridiculous and reading this back it is borderline absurd but this is the result of 18 years of helicopter parenting. I would like to repair my relationship with the mom and I would also like to gently tell her to lighten up. DH just thinks the whole situation is hilarious.

Any advice at all? Also its okay to laugh at this, the whole situation is a stupid first world problem. I guess I should have expected this to carry over into college. They were notorious hover parents when he was in high school too, including threatening legal action over a B grade and bullying him onto a varsity squad his senior year.

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I'd go to Tahiti for 30 days. Alone.

[Anonymous]

When I pay all of the bills, my 19 year old damn well better ask me if he can go on spring break. And, depending on the plan, I may or may not agree.

Trying to crash the spring break trip was ridiculous. That was never going to be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you, I'd go to Tahiti for 30 days. Alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I pay all of the bills, my 19 year old damn well better ask me if he can go on spring break. And, depending on the plan, I may or may not agree.

Trying to crash the spring break trip was ridiculous. That was never going to be successful.

Agree. Parents have the right to say no. My parents never let us go on spring break. Not a chance they were paying for it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

[Anonymous]

Apparently, OP, you're the only grownup in the room. It's therefore your job to slap some sense into these people.

Mom and pop don't have to pay for spring break, but they are waaaaaay beyond crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a situation with a close family member but I've been pulled in the middle so ... hoping for advice.

College freshman is almost 19. He is in a frat. His parents are absolute helicopter parents. Father drives 12+ hours once a month to spend the weekend with him. They pay all his bills. Didn't allow him to take his car (that yes they bought and pay expenses for) because he "doesn't need to leave campus". Constant texts and phone calls throughout the day from his mom. The time she visited him she demanded he take her to a frat party so she can see what he gets up to, she also approves his dates still. This kid is an utter spoiled brat and its all his parents doing. He is also the golden child, while they hover over their younger son as well, older son can do no wrong and younger son never lives up to expectations.

So here is the issue. Parents are angry that he "announced" that he was going on spring break with his frat. His mother actually said to me, "He didn't ask, didn't give us any plans just told us he was going." Parents said, nope absolutely not, can't go. Kid throws epic tantrum. Parents concede a bit and say they will rent a house at the location and he will stay with them and his teenage brother and can "go to some of the events". Kid said, no way not doing that. They rented it anyway. He refused to go and was going to stay on campus. They went to pick him up anyway and forced him to go but apparently he just stayed in the room pissed off the whole time.

Now everyone is in a huge argument. Kid is pouting screaming at them several times at day that they ruined his life. Kid called my DH and tried to get him to convince his parents to let him go. DH told him he was an adult and needed to work it out himself. He also mentioned taking on a part time job. Now both kid and his parents are mad at my DH. Mom is mad at both DH and I because my step son went on his spring break and that wasn't fair to her son (he is a senior but both my step sons went on all their spring breaks and now we are accused of being bad parents because of it) When I reminded mom that we all went on our spring breaks when we were in college she seriously screamed at me "That was a different time!!!" and hung up the phone.

Even though this is now a moot point because spring break is over the tension and arguing seem to be building. Its really ridiculous and reading this back it is borderline absurd but this is the result of 18 years of helicopter parenting. I would like to repair my relationship with the mom and I would also like to gently tell her to lighten up. DH just thinks the whole situation is hilarious.

Any advice at all? Also its okay to laugh at this, the whole situation is a stupid first world problem. I guess I should have expected this to carry over into college. They were notorious hover parents when he was in high school too, including threatening legal action over a B grade and bullying him onto a varsity squad his senior year.

I'm kind of amazed they let him join a frat, and the idea of a mom at a frat party is hilarious. Are they planning to go to his job interviews, too? Or his honeymoon?

However, I'm still trying to understand how Dad drives 12+ hours for a weekend visit each month. Is he retired? He can't actually drive up on Saturday and back on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

That seems to be the case for at least half of the people on this board period they hold money over their kids heads claiming that they are not self-sufficient adults while parents pay their kid's bills, so as parents they get to continue to have veto power over everything.

At the same time, they never realize how they themselves handicapped their kids maturity and Independence. And they continue to do so by never letting them make their own decisions. It's really sick

Good luck talking to the mom, OP. People like this or beyond help. Any parent who would come along on spring break with their child or like the previous poster, would veto spring break and threaten their kid's financial and educational future over a week away. Well forget about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

But going on spring break with the frat is not some kind of evidence that he's seeking "independence" or "maturity," OP. Not a trip calculated to make mom and dad feel they can back off, is it? The fact he "threw a tantrum" at his age is telling. He's not mature enough to go if he cannot live with "no."

Maybe they did "set him up to be dependent" but that isn't exactly the issue here. If he were really that dependent in his own mind, he'd have asked them about the spring break trip. Instead, he told them.

Their reaction of renting a house nearby and having him stay there but "go to some events" is beyond silly. It gives him two messages, contradictory and neither one good: We don't trust you or your frat. We also will coddle you and give you what you want as long as it's on our terms.

Oh, and the parents now are taking a forced vacation to a place they wouldn't go on their own, just to make his spring break somewhat like he wants it? That's just dumb on their part.

And it's equally silly that these parents now say other parents are bad because they let their kids go on spring break and that's unfair to THEIR son. THe fa

What a mess. I'd do this: Son comes home for spring break and works some form of paying job (he wanted a job in HS, right?) even if it's doing yard work, and the rest of the time, he studies or sees friends who are in the area ,back from their schools. The tantrum means he can come home and learn to chill for that week. Mom and dad don't coddle him with some faked up version of the frat trip; he doesn't get to TELL them what he's doing; they learn not to give him mixed messages. Whatever they end up doing, OP, I'd start talking to this family a lot less. I think they're your family members but I'd butt out of anything to do with their kids since they're all dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

Yep - my guess is there's some addiction in this family because these people act like huge co-dependents. If I were you, I'd stay out of it. You can't fix them. They do not want to see that they are screwing their kids up and that they're most likely going to be "rescuing" their son from bad decisions for the rest of his life - whether he likes it or not. I hope to god he manages to break free of them and develop some maturity but I'm guessing that those are long long odds, given how determined these parents are to stay in control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

That seems to be the case for at least half of the people on this board period they hold money over their kids heads claiming that they are not self-sufficient adults while parents pay their kid's bills, so as parents they get to continue to have veto power over everything.

At the same time, they never realize how they themselves handicapped their kids maturity and Independence. And they continue to do so by never letting them make their own decisions. It's really sick

Good luck talking to the mom, OP. People like this or beyond help. Any parent who would come along on spring break with their child or like the previous poster, would veto spring break and threaten their kid's financial and educational future over a week away. Well forget about it

Case in point being my 23 year old nephew who is phenomenally well-employed as a computer scientist on Wall Street yet hasn't yet explored any of Manhatten in the last 18 months because mom hasn't been able to take the time to go to NYC to help him get around. He has no need for this. At all. She also still orders for him and his 19 year old sister at restaurants.

It's embarrassing to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm kind of amazed they let him join a frat, and the idea of a mom at a frat party is hilarious. Are they planning to go to his job interviews, too? Or his honeymoon?

However, I'm still trying to understand how Dad drives 12+ hours for a weekend visit each month. Is he retired? He can't actually drive up on Saturday and back on Sunday.

He is a consultant and makes his own hours. It is usually a four day trip.

I am pretty sure his mother believes she will pick her future DIL, yes. She tells both boys they have to live within two hours of each other so she can be close to grandkids. The dad already planned out their career and wants them to form a company with him after college.

It used to be amusing. Now that they are older its borderline nutty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

But going on spring break with the frat is not some kind of evidence that he's seeking "independence" or "maturity," OP. Not a trip calculated to make mom and dad feel they can back off, is it? The fact he "threw a tantrum" at his age is telling. He's not mature enough to go if he cannot live with "no."

Maybe they did "set him up to be dependent" but that isn't exactly the issue here. If he were really that dependent in his own mind, he'd have asked them about the spring break trip. Instead, he told them.

Their reaction of renting a house nearby and having him stay there but "go to some events" is beyond silly. It gives him two messages, contradictory and neither one good: We don't trust you or your frat. We also will coddle you and give you what you want as long as it's on our terms.

Oh, and the parents now are taking a forced vacation to a place they wouldn't go on their own, just to make his spring break somewhat like he wants it? That's just dumb on their part.

And it's equally silly that these parents now say other parents are bad because they let their kids go on spring break and that's unfair to THEIR son. THe fa

What a mess. I'd do this: Son comes home for spring break and works some form of paying job (he wanted a job in HS, right?) even if it's doing yard work, and the rest of the time, he studies or sees friends who are in the area ,back from their schools. The tantrum means he can come home and learn to chill for that week. Mom and dad don't coddle him with some faked up version of the frat trip; he doesn't get to TELL them what he's doing; they learn not to give him mixed messages. Whatever they end up doing, OP, I'd start talking to this family a lot less. I think they're your family members but I'd butt out of anything to do with their kids since they're all dramatic.

Yes, this is the part I find incredibly twisted and damaging. Tell the kid he can't go and let him get mad. It's okay if he gets mad. It's your job as parents to set limits. It's his job to get mad and learn about limits. But they want both to let him have his way and to control him and make it on their terms. That's really damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

That seems to be the case for at least half of the people on this board period they hold money over their kids heads claiming that they are not self-sufficient adults while parents pay their kid's bills, so as parents they get to continue to have veto power over everything.

At the same time, they never realize how they themselves handicapped their kids maturity and Independence. And they continue to do so by never letting them make their own decisions. It's really sick

Good luck talking to the mom, OP. People like this or beyond help. Any parent who would come along on spring break with their child or like the previous poster, would veto spring break and threaten their kid's financial and educational future over a week away. Well forget about it

Thank you. I feel like they have set him up to fail so they can rescue him and keep him dependent.

It rubs me wrong when parents say to adult children "I'm paying so its all my say." My aunt did this with my cousin, wanted to buy her wedding dress as a gift then at the dress shop announced she had final say because she was buying.