Forcing toddlers to,hug and kiss relatives

[Anonymous]

My son is 3 and his Aunt, my SIL has this habit of saying goodbye 100 times before leaving and forcing my kid to hug and kiss her each time. Today he said no after the first goodby when she asked for him to give her another hug and kiss and she grabbed him to the point that I said, "He said No!". She works at a rape crisis hotline so one would think she'd understand boundaries. Well she got angry and then walked out crying and of course I'm the crazy over protective mom. When I tell my kid no I mean no and he knows what the word means. I NEVER want him to ever think No means Yes. He also is learning about boundaries and personal space in school too. It makes me uncirtable when she does this. Now I feel like a storm is brewing between us which always causing a fight with me and my husband. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your SIL isn't supportive. You are teaching your son the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Too bad for them. You did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

This happened 3 hours ago and my MIL was already called and she just called my husband to scold him because I made his sister feel bad. I have issues with my in laws as I'm sure you can see. Most bizarre and disfunction family dynamics I've ever seen.

[Anonymous]

I tell my toddler that she has to greet everyone politely - especially family. That means she can choose if she wants to hug, shake hands or high five.

I started doing this when my daughter was afraid of hugging my dad. He looks very stern and wanted to demand a hug from her when he walked in the door. She didn't see him often and I hated that she was starting to be afraid of him. (Obviously, he wasn't helping the situation at all.)

Saying out loud that in our house we can say greet each other with a handshake, high five or a hug helped diffuse the situation and make everyone less tense. DD felt like she had more control and autonomy. Plus my dad also thought that it was pretty adorable that a two year old was shaking his hand. Now DD adores my dad, but it was hard in the beginning, especially when dealing with people who don't have a lot of experience interacting with little kids.

[Anonymous]

Protect your child. Who cares if she complains?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my toddler that she has to greet everyone politely - especially family. That means she can choose if she wants to hug, shake hands or high five.

I started doing this when my daughter was afraid of hugging my dad. He looks very stern and wanted to demand a hug from her when he walked in the door. She didn't see him often and I hated that she was starting to be afraid of him. (Obviously, he wasn't helping the situation at all.)

Saying out loud that in our house we can say greet each other with a handshake, high five or a hug helped diffuse the situation and make everyone less tense. DD felt like she had more control and autonomy. Plus my dad also thought that it was pretty adorable that a two year old was shaking his hand. Now DD adores my dad, but it was hard in the beginning, especially when dealing with people who don't have a lot of experience interacting with little kids.

^I'mthe PP and just wanted to add that I think you did the right thing. There were a few times when my dad tried to force a hug and DD was frightened and I just had to say no. He also tried to tell me I was being overprotective and DD needed to be socialized, etc, and other nonsense. Sometimes you have to stand up for your child.

I just wanted to share that the hug/handshake/high five option worked well for my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened 3 hours ago and my MIL was already called and she just called my husband to scold him because I made his sister feel bad. I have issues with my in laws as I'm sure you can see. Most bizarre and disfunction family dynamics I've ever seen.

You absolutely did the right thing, and your MIL should butt out. It's not her job to mediate between you and SIL. Your DH needs to back you up and set boundaries with his family.

[Anonymous]

Your ILs sound overly dramatic and like they will take any excuse to be offended.

Don't let it get to you. You did the right thing OP.

[Anonymous]

They're relatives. It's a HUG. Seriously, get over it. Yes, your child is rude. Enough with the boundaries nonsense, when you try to make EVERY SINGLE STUPID THING about "boundaries" it loses its importance and effectiveness. Find some other reason to stir the pot with your in-laws because this is silly.

[Anonymous]

NP. Thanks for this thread and to PP who suggested hug/high five/handshake option. In my and DH's culture, kids are supposed to obey adults, period, and boundaries, what are those? Once, DH's 10 year old niece had her butt slapped by her grandfather and she said no and looked embarrassed. Niece's mother right away said "It's okay! Grandpa is just showing that he loves you." Niece then had to go over to Grandpa and give him a hug. I would have been like WTF?!? if I were not painfully aware that this is totally normal in our culture. Both sides of the family live far away so we don't see them that often and DD typically does not want to hug our relatives when she first sees them. If I see any relative pressuring her to do so, I'm going to jump in from now on with "how about a high five"? Perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're relatives. It's a HUG. Seriously, get over it. Yes, your child is rude. Enough with the boundaries nonsense, when you try to make EVERY SINGLE STUPID THING about "boundaries" it loses its importance and effectiveness. Find some other reason to stir the pot with your in-laws because this is silly.

I feel sorry for your kid.

[Anonymous]

All human beings get to decide whether to show physical affection. Our bodies belong to us.

You did the right thing.

It is dangerous to teach a child that adults have a right to touch them against their will other than to provide needed care (medical, help with hygiene). We need to teach our kids as early as possible that they can choose whether to be touched and that no means no. It literally saves lives.

Just ignore MIL, who has no business mediating your relationships, and stand firm with SIL if she ever does it or brings it up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're relatives. It's a HUG. Seriously, get over it. Yes, your child is rude. Enough with the boundaries nonsense, when you try to make EVERY SINGLE STUPID THING about "boundaries" it loses its importance and effectiveness. Find some other reason to stir the pot with your in-laws because this is silly.

What if it was my sons uncle making him hug him 100 times after he says no? Would that be ok because it's a relative. You are sick! I will always stand by my child's decision of what he's comfortable and what he's not comfortable with. No means no and in today's society it's important that children understand this concept. It's their body and it's never ok for anyone to force affection upon them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're relatives. It's a HUG. Seriously, get over it. Yes, your child is rude. Enough with the boundaries nonsense, when you try to make EVERY SINGLE STUPID THING about "boundaries" it loses its importance and effectiveness. Find some other reason to stir the pot with your in-laws because this is silly.

I feel sorry for your kid.

I feel sorry for the relatives who raised OP's husband with love and want to be affectionate, in an innocent and totally normal way, to their grandchild/niece/nephew, only to be cold shouldered, rebuffed, told they are wrong for doing that and made to feel weird.