Seriously, what is the downside?

[Anonymous]

What is the downside for a female if she marries a bi guy that says he wants a monagomus relationship for life.
He's the best person I've ever met, kind, sensitive, compassionate, provides well, cleans, cooks, is funny, has a great family, is truly a beautiful human being.

[Anonymous]

I think the worry is that he'll wake up one day and decide he didn't get to explore man on man as much as he wanted before settling down.

I'm not sure exactly how that's different from a guy who says he's attracted to blondes marrying a brunette, but I have no experience personally with this.

[Anonymous]

The downside is that a truly bi guy is kind of rare. They're usually more on the gayer side of the spectrum, even if they do also enjoy women to some degree. Many times for men, identifying as bi is somehow easier, to start with, than saying they're gay, but with time and self acceptance, they often end up realizing they're actually gay.

If monogamy is important to you, consider that the chances are higher than usual that you're not going to end up with a monogamous partner. I'm a bi woman who has no problem staying monogamous, but I would be hesitant to have a relationship with a man who identifies as bi, because I strongly prefer monogamy, and I've never known a bi man to be able to be monogamous, no matter how much he says he wants to be. Not fair, but life's not fair.

[Anonymous]

IME guys use bi as a "pre coming out." It seems safer maybe? Less intrusive? Like "dont worry Im bi but I can swing both ways so Ill just act straight most of the time and marry as normal." But then 5 or 10 years later it turns into "Turns out Larla is just my best friend but Im really truly a gay man." Ive seen this happen 3 times.

[Anonymous]

So bi women can be monogamous but bi men can't be monogamous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So bi women can be monogamous but bi men can't be monogamous?

They can be.

I think for men it's harder for a couple of reasons. First, we have sex drives that are constantly and loudly asserting themselves. Second, is he "really" bi or "I just haven't got comfortable with how attracted to men I am" bi? The former has a shot, the latter not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So bi women can be monogamous but bi men can't be monogamous?

They can be.

I think for men it's harder for a couple of reasons. First, we have sex drives that are constantly and loudly asserting themselves. Second, is he "really" bi or "I just haven't got comfortable with how attracted to men I am" bi? The former has a shot, the latter not so much.

How do you TRULY find that out if he says. "I'M BI"

[Anonymous]

If he views sex with men as a fetish or a kink, rather than a romantic connection.

If he is capable of "loving" a man in the same way he loves a woman, then I'd say he's probably gay.

If not, then he's a bi. Defined by me as a straight guy who likes to have sex with men on occasion.

[Anonymous]

I feel for your situation, OP. But I think that there's just a whole ton of uncertainty that goes into deciding to marry someone, and you will ultimately have to trust your gut. You're never going to know the future, right? You have to believe that going through life with this person is going to make your life more interesting / delightful / etc. than not and hope that time and trust and however the two of you do marriage proves you right.)

I know PLENTY of bi women and bi men who are in long-term relationships (some marriages) with people of the opposite gender. And they're really bi--they get crushes on people with roughly the same percentage of gender breakdown as their dating history, etc.

In my early-40s vantage point, I see some "Wait! I was part of the LGBT community when I was dating someone of the same gender and now all that is invisible--but I'm still a part of that community" in bi folks who are in opposite-gender LTRs, but none of the sane ones have gone and torpedoed their marriages. They mostly just say, "Oh, yeah. Like I used to be artier / more political / on track to have three kids instead of one / have lived all over the world" and realize that you chose a marriage every day. (Sorry! Old married person here.)

I think the key question is the one people are circling around: Do you think your fiance (or would-be fiance?) is being honest with himself? Have you known him long enough, been through whatever you personally need to to know that your sex life is where you both want it to be, that you can be honest with each other when hard things happen, you can show up for each other... etc.

If you think he's lying to himself or you...you're the one with more information than we have. And I hope you're taking his responses to your concerns more seriously than you're taking anonymous strangers responses.

But bi men can 100% have as functional marriages with women as straight ones can (from my observation. But I have a decent sample size.)

Good luck! (Marriage is strange and terrifying. So don't discount how reasonable it is to feel odd and unsettled at the idea of picking a person and saying some intense things in front of essentially everyone you know. Marriage is also, in my experience, pretty amazingly great, eight years in.)

[Anonymous]

PP, are you bi? Is your spouse? How do you get all this intimate knowledge of so many bi men in marriages to women? Most people aren't telling others about struggles with cheating, or the quantity or quality of their marital sex.

Look at the PP before, who has sex with men, but insists he's straight because he doesn't feel romantic towards men. He doesn't get that plenty of straight men don't feel romantic towards women, but like to have sex with them. They end up in "relationships" because of external forces. That doesn't make them not straight.

Marriage is a crap shoot. Men have trouble identifying as gay, and "bi" is about as far as some admit to being. Your odds in the crap shoot of marriage are not good if you start out with this issue. That doesn't mean there are some bi men who make marriage work and have happy wives. Just bad odds.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP. Bi woman married to bi woman. Lots (couple dozen?) of queer couples in our lives, some in current het couplings some not. Some monogamous some no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, are you bi? Is your spouse? How do you get all this intimate knowledge of so many bi men in marriages to women? Most people aren't telling others about struggles with cheating, or the quantity or quality of their marital sex.

Look at the PP before, who has sex with men, but insists he's straight because he doesn't feel romantic towards men. He doesn't get that plenty of straight men don't feel romantic towards women, but like to have sex with them. They end up in "relationships" because of external forces. That doesn't make them not straight.

Marriage is a crap shoot. Men have trouble identifying as gay, and "bi" is about as far as some admit to being. Your odds in the crap shoot of marriage are not good if you start out with this issue. That doesn't mean there are some bi men who make marriage work and have happy wives. Just bad odds.

PP here: I've never claimed to be straight. I'm Bi. Men are a kink for me, but I fall in love with women. But I'm not straight.

[Anonymous]

OP, question for you:

Since you seem open to the idea of a woman being able to maintain a relationship with a Bi man. Do you think any less (perhaps a poor choice of word, but English isn't my first language) about Bi men who enjoy the bottom role of a male-male relationship?

That is to say, would you be as sexually attracted to a man who acts in the receptive role in gay sex as you would be to a man who assumes the top role?


Because it has been my experience that many women still harbor old mindsets about this thing. They accept a man who has sex with men, but they reject a man who lets other men have sex with him. Like is not as much a man, and more like the woman to them.

[Anonymous]

I think most truly bi men are tops. This makes it possible for them to enjoy being with with both men and women, as women are de facto bottoms. Preferring to bottom would seem to make it difficult to be with anything but a man. Women generally just aren't built for being a "good top."

That's probably a good way for a women to suss out whether her openminded, "bi," boyfriend is going to be compatible with her. If he admits to some bisexual attraction, that's one thing. If he has a... ahem... deep seated need to take it in the seat, then there may be challenges down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most truly bi men are tops. This makes it possible for them to enjoy being with with both men and women, as women are de facto bottoms. Preferring to bottom would seem to make it difficult to be with anything but a man. Women generally just aren't built for being a "good top."

That's probably a good way for a women to suss out whether her openminded, "bi," boyfriend is going to be compatible with her. If he admits to some bisexual attraction, that's one thing. If he has a... ahem... deep seated need to take it in the seat, then there may be challenges down the road.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Sex is important (very), but what keeps a serious relationship together is who you bond with, emotionally. I'm a gay dude. I have enjoyed sex with women, lots of fund. BUt I don't want to marry them.