How often should I see my brother's family?
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Anonymous
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My child and my brother's kids are close in age, and we have been visiting them (it is easier for me and my kid to fly than to have their family over) about every 6-8 months.
However, as the kids grow older, it is becoming apparent that some things are very different in our households, and I am not sure how to resolve these. First, we are immigrants and so English is not the first language for any of the parents (myself, husband, brother, SIL). They are pretty strict about speaking the other language at home. I, on the other hand, don't care that much; I don't want to spend our 5-7 day visit yelling at my son for not speaking the other language with his cousins or I. Brother and SIL however are making a point of correcting their kids. So, it looks like my son is the reason they all start speaking English. Second, screen time. My husband is very lax about screens. My brother and SIL are very strict. I am somewhere in between. I let my son bring his iPad to their house,and I feel there is resentment over him showing his cousins his favorite apps and videos. I do limit the screen time, but still. Third, my son was once upset and yelled some rude words (in the other language, haha, but it would be something along the lines of all those four letter words). Now, SIL is still in shock from what I understand. My brother denies it but I have this very distinct feeling... Anyway. They still invite us over. But I am pretty tense about it all. I don't want to feel guilty about my parenting and on the other hand I don't want to be mad at my son for not being this model child. What do you think I should do? I was thinking about going maybe once a year, or not going at all. Or maybe I should not overthink this and just keep visiting every 6 months. |
Anonymous
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If I was in your shoes, I'd ask my kids to try to limit screen time since they know the cousins aren't allowed.
If I was your brother's family, I'd relax the rules during that week because having a relationship with cousins is more important than too much screen time, speaking English, etc. |
Anonymous
| You follow the rules of the host's house. Stop having your son bring his iPad out when he's there. Keep visiting. And tell your son not to curse! |
Anonymous
| You leave the iPad at home. Period. Very rude to bring it to a home where the family culture does not include that. Your son is showing off when he brings it out. He is also showing off his colorful vocabulary. That is unacceptable in any culture, any language. Work on manners, all the way around. |
Anonymous
| No ipad, no cursing. Don't worry about English. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
And only visit once a year. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Of course I told him not to curse. It's just...things do happen. I am not shocked when a child curses. they grow up and learn. I know some people are; I choose not to hang out with them - but this time they are my relatives. Again, of course my son knows not to curse. But when he is upset, and he is generally not used to so much interaction (he is introverted and an only), he is not on his best behavior.
iPad - he is allowed to have maybe an hour a day and they have to take turns. Of course he wants to show his games to his cousins. It's not like he is walking around the house with his ipad. I honestly don't know..you are saying it is rude, but why can't he show them something he is proud of? all games are age appropriate. I just know my SIL becomes uptight about it. For English - so the consensus is that I let my son speak whatever language he wants? and then SIL does whatever she sees fit? Ok, I think I know my problem now. I don't like the constant feeling of being judged for my parenting/them seeing my kid a "threat" to their parenting. It's hard. I really don't see how anything (except maybe abuse or obscenity) can harm kids in those 5-7 days. But yeah I guess we should visit once a year. I still don't know what to do about video games. I could tell my son to watch/play in our guest bedroom only, but he will want to share and they will be curious. |
Anonymous
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OP back again: there is no explicit rule of no ipad. they do have one, it just doesn't have many games on it. They kind of put up with it during our visits but I can sense the uneasiness. Still they invite us, it's very kind of them.
There is also another side to the story... SIL's family is allowed to visit and spend time whenever they want and they are not corrected in their ways. |
Anonymous
| Their house, their rules. Except English, I think forcing your guests to speak a specific language is unreasonable. Either your family can follow this and have a nice visit or you cut back. |
Anonymous
but she is not explicitly saying ipad is not allowed. There are also some minor things. My son doesn't like milk with his cereal. In fact, he doesn't eat cereal very often. However, he does at their house because they do, just doesn't add milk. His cousins start asking to not add milk to theirs and I think it upsets SIL. But what can I do?? I don't want to force my son to have milk if he doesn't want to. And little things like that just keep happening. |
Anonymous
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Why the ban on English? Just curious. I mean, do all of you live in the U.S.? Is everyone bi-lingual or are some non-English speaking...? I hope this is not offensive.
As far as the other issues it would make me uncomfortable also and feel judged. This all could get better or worse as the kids get older. But he is your brother and the kids should know each other. I think you should keep up with the visits and try to follow their rules. Be respectful. My guess is that they are not judging you at all, but they are struggling to maintain control of their house and children. It is probably stressful for them when you or anyone else visits. Try not to let it damage your relationship. |
Anonymous
NO no, not offensive at all! There is a belief that many of my compatriots have that speaking English at home will damage the parents' native language skills of kids. Like, you have to have a language safe space 
Everyone is bilingual, but my brother and SIL don't speak it with ease whereas I do - maybe this has something to do with this aggressive desire to have a non-English speaking home. do you think I should limit the visits to once a year even though they invite us more often? |
Anonymous
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Well, it's certainly nice to hear from the lax parent's side, OP! Usually we get the uptight parent's perspective on these boards... I am in your BIL's shoes. My kids don't even have tablets and they are required to speak in our native tongue as much as possible. However, I would not be fussed at all to welcome you into my home two times a year, if that. Family is more important than a few hours of cussing, talking in English and tablet-binging! Actually, for my kids, it would be part of the treat! (But make no mistake about it, I would secretly judge your parenting.) |