My DD feels like a failure

[Anonymous]

She is the happiest person you could ever meet but last night broke down and said she feels like a failure as she doesn't have kids and isn't married. She also said she constantly feels inferior and ugly. Her work life is not going well. One of the businesses she runs is not successful at the moment and her other job is also unstable (She says but I am not sure if it is just anxiety talking). She has been badly let down by friends, struggled to deal with her brothers mental illness and it seems it has all got too much. She said she couldn't confide in me sooner as she wasn't sure how I would take it. She wants to get therapy but what can be done in the short term?

[Anonymous]

As her mom, be sympathetic and tell her you know it's hard and that it sucks right now. Don't dismiss her concerns. Don't give advice unless she asks.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I feel awful for her. She has put all this pressure on herself but it's no surprise. Women are expected to have it all and when they don't they feel they are failing.

[Anonymous]

Running a business and another job, could be the stressor
How would she have time to do anything else, get rid of one of those on her plate and she will be less anxious.

But PPs above is correct, no advice until she asks, right now listening and helping with little things might be all she needs.

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? Honestly, I've been there, done that - ended up finding a life partner, getting married and having kids in my very late 30's. But... was working very hard on making sure I was content and had a meaningful life on my own in case it didn't work out that way. Love her, give her support and help guide her to feeling valued and useful on her own - maybe a volunteer opportunity or other way to help get her out of her head would help.

[Anonymous]

She is 31. Her work doesn't take up much time but she feels she is failing at it and life in general.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like marriage is important to her. Has she had relationships? What was the most recent?

[Anonymous]

Listen and encourage her especially with going to therapy. With a family history of mental illness this could be more than a rough patch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 31. Her work doesn't take up much time but she feels she is failing at it and life in general.

If she is not succeeding at something she wants, she is failing. Therefore, what she feels is natural frustration. The good news is she has time to focus on things that are most important to her. For most women it's family and children. I know it's not the party line, but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is the happiest person you could ever meet but last night broke down and said she feels like a failure as she doesn't have kids and isn't married. She also said she constantly feels inferior and ugly. Her work life is not going well. One of the businesses she runs is not successful at the moment and her other job is also unstable (She says but I am not sure if it is just anxiety talking). She has been badly let down by friends, struggled to deal with her brothers mental illness and it seems it has all got too much. She said she couldn't confide in me sooner as she wasn't sure how I would take it. She wants to get therapy but what can be done in the short term?

Your DD sounds a lot like how I used to be. Everything was black and white - success or failure.

One thing that helped me was understanding the difference between happiness and satisfaction.

It seems as though your DD is not satisfied. She has goals that she hasn't accomplished yet and she is not satisfied with her progress - this is a good thing - to be driven and ambitious.

However, just because she isn't satisfied, doesn't mean she can't be happy. Be happy for the things that she DOES have and DOES do well, while she continues to work hard to obtain the things that she doesn't.

Life is a long journey - growth and goals are life long processes - she may never be satisfied - she may always be driven and ambitious - nothing wrong with that. However, she also needs to realize that this is a journey and that these things don't happen overnight. Therefore, once she can accept that this is a long journey, she can find ways to be happy along the way.

[Anonymous]

I will totally get flamed for this, but I think in our quest for women's equality (which I totally support) we somehow minimized the importance (for most women) of finding a good partner in life. I think most adults are happier in a good marriage rather than single and society used to be more focused on getting young adults to meet, pairing people off, etc. Now you are pretty much on your own to find a mate and social activities (other than dating websites) are not gearing toward match making.

It wouldn't matter how successful my career was, if I was 31 and unmarried, I would be miserable.

[Anonymous]

You sound very dependent PP. Not a good trait. Not all people who are married are happy, just look at the relationships board. You can't rely on someone else to make you happy. That is where disaster lies. The poster before you is correct I feel.

[Anonymous]

Ask your DD to write down a design for her perfect life. Perfect job, home, family, etc. Then ask her to make a list of things that make her happy (small things like taking a walk), then a list of things that she knows she does not like.

She needs to make changes but is not sure what to change or where to start. This will help figure out her priorities and what she is looking for. From there she can make some small steps to eliminate the things she knows she does not like and move toward things that she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will totally get flamed for this, but I think in our quest for women's equality (which I totally support) we somehow minimized the importance (for most women) of finding a good partner in life. I think most adults are happier in a good marriage rather than single and society used to be more focused on getting young adults to meet, pairing people off, etc. Now you are pretty much on your own to find a mate and social activities (other than dating websites) are not gearing toward match making.

It wouldn't matter how successful my career was, if I was 31 and unmarried, I would be miserable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will totally get flamed for this, but I think in our quest for women's equality (which I totally support) we somehow minimized the importance (for most women) of finding a good partner in life. I think most adults are happier in a good marriage rather than single and society used to be more focused on getting young adults to meet, pairing people off, etc. Now you are pretty much on your own to find a mate and social activities (other than dating websites) are not gearing toward match making.

It wouldn't matter how successful my career was, if I was 31 and unmarried, I would be miserable.

I think you make a very interesting point, pp.