My DD feels like a failure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will totally get flamed for this, but I think in our quest for women's equality (which I totally support) we somehow minimized the importance (for most women) of finding a good partner in life. I think most adults are happier in a good marriage rather than single and society used to be more focused on getting young adults to meet, pairing people off, etc. Now you are pretty much on your own to find a mate and social activities (other than dating websites) are not gearing toward match making.

It wouldn't matter how successful my career was, if I was 31 and unmarried, I would be miserable.

I think you make a very interesting point, pp.

I agree that this is an interesting point. Unfortunately, people are worried about being labeled "needy", "co-dependent", etc. Therefore, they don't really talk about these things anymore. It seems as though the desire to show independence and strength are more important than admitting that we need a companion in life - someone to share all this success we are constantly chasing with. Quite frankly, the more successful I become, the more I wish I had someone to share it with... I am a man by the way - men get lonely too.

[Anonymous]

I think it is dangerous to depend on someone else for happiness and as someone said on here, just look at the relationships forum to see that it isn't all a bed of roses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is dangerous to depend on someone else for happiness and as someone said on here, just look at the relationships forum to see that it isn't all a bed of roses.

I think that there is a big difference in feeling like there is something missing in your life and being dependent on someone else for your happiness.

For example - I have my life together - well educated - worked hard to build a pretty successful career (maybe not in DCUM standards) - I have great friends, great family - the one thing that is missing is someone to share it with - and that makes me sad and lonely sometimes... Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is dangerous to depend on someone else for happiness and as someone said on here, just look at the relationships forum to see that it isn't all a bed of roses.

Our happiness doesn't exist in a vacuum. It does depend on people, events, and things. It's not a popular opinion, because it implies loss of some control over your life, but it's a fact. Most people want life partners. Most people are happy when things go well and unhappy when they don't. Most people enjoy the comfort brought my material wealth. There's not shame in any of it.

[Anonymous]

Saying a relationship will make everything better is misguided. It should compliment your life not make you whole or better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying a relationship will make everything better is misguided. It should compliment your life not make you whole or better.

I don't think that anyone is disputing that. A healthy relationship is consistent of two "whole" people who make a decision to share their lives, not completely give their entire life away. Part of that means that you have to have a life outside of the relationship - so that you don't depend on another person for happiness, support, etc.

I have always maintained that people in relationships should continue to do the things they enjoyed before - girl's/guy's nights out, hobbies, etc.

That way, you don't become overly dependent on the other person.

Mathematically, it looks like this:

Person A 100%
Person B 100%

Person A gives 50% to their relationship while maintaining the other 50% for themselves.

Person B reciprocates and gives 50% to their relationship, while also maintaining 50% for themselves.

[Anonymous]

They are disputing that, read back over the answers. People have said that you can't be happy until you are married which is bullcrap and yes, a dangerous idea in terms of waiting for someone else to complete you
or make you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will totally get flamed for this, but I think in our quest for women's equality (which I totally support) we somehow minimized the importance (for most women) of finding a good partner in life. I think most adults are happier in a good marriage rather than single and society used to be more focused on getting young adults to meet, pairing people off, etc. Now you are pretty much on your own to find a mate and social activities (other than dating websites) are not gearing toward match making.

It wouldn't matter how successful my career was, if I was 31 and unmarried, I would be miserable.

+1

+2. I also think this is true of many men too. If you asked DH about himself, the first thing he'd say is that he's married, followed by a father, followed by his job, then hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are disputing that, read back over the answers. People have said that you can't be happy until you are married which is bullcrap and yes, a dangerous idea in terms of waiting for someone else to complete you
or make you happy.

This may be an issue of happy versus satisfied.

I may not be satisfied with my life because there are still things that I want - further career, relationship, etc.

However, I can still be happy a long the journey to finding those things.

I think that sometimes people use the terms synonymously, but they are very different.

I can be dissatisfied with my life, but I am still happy.

[Anonymous]

How does your daughter look? Can she improve on her appearance? Imho she needs to make finding a partner a priority. She might also want to freeze her eggs.

[Anonymous]

Grow up PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying a relationship will make everything better is misguided. It should compliment your life not make you whole or better.

Whether they should or not, successful relationships do make people's lives better. Not every little thing about their lives, but a whole lot of them. Why is it so common to deny the obvious? There is no shame in wanting a partner, a family, a place to call home in every sense. It's a normal human desire, yet young women are conditioned to hide it from the world.

[Anonymous]

As was said before, look at the relationship forum to see that thinking relationships are the one tool to make you happy is misguided.
A relationship/marriage can compliment happiness but it shouldn't be the sole cause of it.
I am married and much as I love DH, I know my happiness depends on me and me alone. He is not responsible for that, it is on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As was said before, look at the relationship forum to see that thinking relationships are the one tool to make you happy is misguided.
A relationship/marriage can compliment happiness but it shouldn't be the sole cause of it.
I am married and much as I love DH, I know my happiness depends on me and me alone. He is not responsible for that, it is on me.

EVERYTHING in life is balance. Even the things that are healthy and good for you require balance to remain healthy and good for you. Relationships are no different. While they can undoubtedly make your life better, they can also make your life worse if you don't maintain a certain level of independence. I think a lot of people are getting caught up on semantics.

Being a lone for the rest of your life will probably make you miserable. Being side by side with someone all day every day will probably make you crazy. Balance is the key. That is why relationships where people still maintain certain aspects of their lives while they were single are to me, the most successful.

And you are right... Even within a relationship, happiness is the responsibility of the individual.

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer your question:
1. ask her to write down the things that ARE good in her life?

Does she have a nice home, can she pay her bills, can she buy herself occasional treats, is she healthy, does she have activities that she enjoys, does she have a good relationship with you etc. Tell her to look at that list every day and feel thankful for the things that are going well in her life.

2. Advise her to volunteer her time consistently for people who she wants to help. It's much harder to focus on how crappy feel if you are helping others who in some way have it harder than you.

3. Tell her that truly no one knows what the rest of her life will be. She might change something or might meet a mentor and her career can turn around and skyrocket. She might meet the most amazing man imaginable but not for another 10 years and if she attaches herself to the wrong man before then, she may never meet that amazing man.

The key is to keep working at living her life as best she can every day. She might not be living her best life now but as long as she is doing her best with the life circumstances she has now, she will feel happier which is more likely to attract friends and potential lovers more than feeling down will. Doing her best might include giving up one of her jobs or making another change in her life or just working hard as things are, with a more positive mindset.