How to handle ex's sudden interest in the kids

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with custody issues this morning, my ex wants (and always did) want more time with the teen and 20-year old 2 kids), insisting on having DS on his birthday for the 2nd year in a row, and creating all sorts of expensive vacations to entice the kids to spend more time with him (he can afford it and being self-employed can take all the time he needs, whereas I have little money and little vacation time.)

So while I agree that time with the dad is very important however it comes about, I also know that it comes at a cost to OP's relationship with her kids. One parent doing the difficult and thankless work while the other parent entices the kids to spend their vacations with him. (In my case he takes them on ski trips, beach vacations, trips to Europe, and then even if I could provide somethiing cool, they've already used up their vacations, and the adult child has no more vacation time to spend with me.

I don't have an answer but it's not a simple case of let him have all the time he wants with the kids. It's painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

+ 1million. If he wants to be a Father, you let him. Period.

But what if he's just trying to reduce his child support payment and has no intention of actually being a good father?

But what if he actually wants to be a good Father?

Then he would have been one already, without the girlfriend. And he would pay his child support.

[Anonymous]

I would just stick to the parenting plan as it was. That is great that he shows up to school events as long as he isn't interfering with DS's school. I doubt he will get more parenting time if you can show that you have a good track record of them living with you and the kids are doing well.

If the custody order says that you claim the kids on your taxes then go with that, otherwise get the custody order changed.

If he starts talking badly about you, you may want to remind him of the clause in most custody orders that say to not speak ill of the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

I agree that how OP feels about the situation is not the most important aspect to the situation. HOWEVER...

I do not agree that it's automatically good for the kids if a parent who has not been around suddenly wants to be very involved. I think also it does matter whether this is being driven by the new girlfriend. I would not be comfortable with my ex's new girlfriend suddenly becoming very involved in the kids' lives. Going to parent teacher conferences? Really? I do not think that is appropriate, and any parenting counselor worth the paper their degree is printed on will tell you that introduction of new romantic partners should be done thoughtfully and not too abruptly. I also think that it's not good for the kids if the new relationship ends and he suddenly decides that he wants to go back to his previous non-involvement. It's also REALLY not good for the kids for him to be trash-talking their mom.

One thing for the OP: support and vistation are different things. Yes, support factors in custody, but blatantly seeking a modification to a custody schedule in order to reduce child support is not going to go over well with a judge. If I was in your situation, I would encourage him to be involved in the kids' lives - invite him to classroom events, suggest playdates and activities, include him in decisions about camps and extracurriculars, whatever that looks like - but tell him that you're not willing to modify the schedule right now because it's important for the kids to have consistency, per your original agreement.

[Anonymous]

This happened whenever my ex got a new girlfriend. He wanted to play house and I refused. The relationships never lasted long. It isn't good for kids to be used.

[Anonymous]

yes, I'm in similar situation. I asked for a modification of child support since she is now 13 and things are much more expensive. I did one when she was 6 months so I could depend on some help...he was ordered to pay $400/month....just granted the modification of $1,200/month. So what does he do? File a motion for joint legal and physical custody. We were never married and now in order to get his support payments down, he is showing up to events. She has see him more in the last two months, than she has in the last two years. Going to parenting classes now..then will have to go to mediation for visitation schedule. I'm hoping that the judge will see through this...anybody experience this also? any advise?

Daughter has been in my care for the last 13 years, why now does he want shared custody? I have always encouraged visitation...but if it means I need to call and remind him of her birthday (He didn't even call her) and Christmas (no gift). He actually said that I don't bring her to see his parents! I don't think that is my responsibility...I don't need him to take her to my parents home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

Agree. He is their dad. If he wants to be super-involved with them, it's all to the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm dealing with custody issues this morning, my ex wants (and always did) want more time with the teen and 20-year old 2 kids), insisting on having DS on his birthday for the 2nd year in a row, and creating all sorts of expensive vacations to entice the kids to spend more time with him (he can afford it and being self-employed can take all the time he needs, whereas I have little money and little vacation time.)

So while I agree that time with the dad is very important however it comes about, I also know that it comes at a cost to OP's relationship with her kids. One parent doing the difficult and thankless work while the other parent entices the kids to spend their vacations with him. (In my case he takes them on ski trips, beach vacations, trips to Europe, and then even if I could provide somethiing cool, they've already used up their vacations, and the adult child has no more vacation time to spend with me.

I don't have an answer but it's not a simple case of let him have all the time he wants with the kids. It's painful.

Those aren't "her kids". They are "their kids" (mom and dad). He has every right to see them.

If you're worried about the "cost" to you of your ex seeing more of the kids, you shouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened whenever my ex got a new girlfriend. He wanted to play house and I refused. The relationships never lasted long. It isn't good for kids to be used.

But it is totally healthy for you to use the kids to punish your ex for daring to have a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, I'm in similar situation. I asked for a modification of child support since she is now 13 and things are much more expensive. I did one when she was 6 months so I could depend on some help...he was ordered to pay $400/month....just granted the modification of $1,200/month. So what does he do? File a motion for joint legal and physical custody. We were never married and now in order to get his support payments down, he is showing up to events. She has see him more in the last two months, than she has in the last two years. Going to parenting classes now..then will have to go to mediation for visitation schedule. I'm hoping that the judge will see through this...anybody experience this also? any advise?

Daughter has been in my care for the last 13 years, why now does he want shared custody? I have always encouraged visitation...but if it means I need to call and remind him of her birthday (He didn't even call her) and Christmas (no gift). He actually said that I don't bring her to see his parents! I don't think that is my responsibility...I don't need him to take her to my parents home.

I think it is your responsibility to ensure the kids see BOTH sets of grandparents, not just yours.

If you want more child support it is totally reasonable for him to want more visitation.

And who cares why he wants to see more of his daughter. Good for him and good for her.

[Anonymous]

Op here - update: I offered an extra day after school each week. At first he refused because he wants shared custody or nothing. Finally, after much back and forth, on his lawyers advice, he agreed to take the extra evening. Kids came home at bedtime with out having homework done and had to stay up late. Additionally one of the kids missed her activity (that had been agreed upon by ex). Now he is threatening to cancel his extra evening because of the activities that the kids participate in during that evening. The activities he agreed upon prior to enrolling them, and that he doesn't pay for. Add in the 'you only enroll them in music lessons, dance classes and sports to get away from them.' It's about money and control, not about the kids.

I just.... 12 more years of this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes, I'm in similar situation. I asked for a modification of child support since she is now 13 and things are much more expensive. I did one when she was 6 months so I could depend on some help...he was ordered to pay $400/month....just granted the modification of $1,200/month. So what does he do? File a motion for joint legal and physical custody. We were never married and now in order to get his support payments down, he is showing up to events. She has see him more in the last two months, than she has in the last two years. Going to parenting classes now..then will have to go to mediation for visitation schedule. I'm hoping that the judge will see through this...anybody experience this also? any advise?

Daughter has been in my care for the last 13 years, why now does he want shared custody? I have always encouraged visitation...but if it means I need to call and remind him of her birthday (He didn't even call her) and Christmas (no gift). He actually said that I don't bring her to see his parents! I don't think that is my responsibility...I don't need him to take her to my parents home.

I think it is your responsibility to ensure the kids see BOTH sets of grandparents, not just yours.

If you want more child support it is totally reasonable for him to want more visitation.

And who cares why he wants to see more of his daughter. Good for him and good for her.

Really it is my responsibility to take her to see is parents? Not his responsibility to come get her and take her. I need to independently call his mother and make arrangements with his mother for my child to see them? I'm sorry I don't get that. All I have to do is allow him to pick her up and see her. Which I do. It is not my responsibility to make sure she calls him, his parents, or any of his family.

[Anonymous]

He said I didn't remind him of my childs birthday. So I should have reminded him about that? I should remind him that school is starting and she needs new uniforms and school supplies. So I have to remind a grown man about what he should be aware of. I think that is terrible and I refuse. He failed to show up once for court on the child support hearing...I guess I should have called and reminded him about that as well huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He said I didn't remind him of my childs birthday. So I should have reminded him about that? I should remind him that school is starting and she needs new uniforms and school supplies. So I have to remind a grown man about what he should be aware of. I think that is terrible and I refuse. He failed to show up once for court on the child support hearing...I guess I should have called and reminded him about that as well huh?

I would remind him of your child's birthday, because having your dad forget your birthday is a terrible thing for a kid and I'd want to insulate my kid from that. I would not remind him about the rest. My ex is the sort of person who believes himself to be a very engaged and involved father, but he is not involved in the day to day logistical things like school uniforms and supplies and events. I remind him about those things, usually by sending him a bill for his portion of them (we split them 50/50). I would not remind him about court, because the court needs to see that he is not engaged.

But yes, protect your children from their father's negligence.

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote: I'm dealing with custody issues this morning, my ex wants (and always did) want more time with the teen and 20-year old 2 kids), insisting on having DS on his birthday for the 2nd year in a row, and creating all sorts of expensive vacations to entice the kids to spend more time with him (he can afford it and being self-employed can take all the time he needs, whereas I have little money and little vacation time.)

So while I agree that time with the dad is very important however it comes about, I also know that it comes at a cost to OP's relationship with her kids. One parent doing the difficult and thankless work while the other parent entices the kids to spend their vacations with him. (In my case he takes them on ski trips, beach vacations, trips to Europe, and then even if I could provide somethiing cool, they've already used up their vacations, and the adult child has no more vacation time to spend with me.

I don't have an answer but it's not a simple case of let him have all the time he wants with the kids. It's painful.

I hate to say it. All of these points are valid...

BUT - you just HAVE to think about what is in the best interest for the kids. And ONLY you and your ex know that.

Look - does it suck that there is another woman that is the catalyst for your ex being father of the year? Absolutely.

But - if the kids are happy... don't do anything to take away from that.