Being average when you know they can do better

[Anonymous]

I exceed and still excel at a number of things and am willing to try hard. My husband excels at work and is an all or nothing kind of guy. I have 3 kids who dont naturally push themselves. They gravitate to safe and easy. Grades. As and Bs. Sports. Average. Art. Good ability dont want to try. Music. Dont want to practice. Friends. Never initiate. Participate when invited only. Talent > effort in all cases. I never see leadership or a im going to do or be <great at x, win x>. So there is no success stories. Just participation. Pretty complacent about win or lose. Anger when i suggest they do better. They compare yhemself to the worst kid in class, sport etc and use that to justify their medoicrity. We spend a lot of $ on activities (3 eakid)

Problem. Am i a bad parent if i let this continue leave them be. Or am i supposed to push them to some great level by being stricter? I feel like ive failed to give them a life skill. I see them having lifestyles way below their current one.

They have every opportunity but just dont take advantage to make most out of it.
Let them be?

I know some parents would continue to push.
Whats best for the low motivation child?
I ? If pushing would long term change them or just continue to stress me out.
Some tell me natural motivation is ab normal. But when i read bios of any great success they always credit self motivation.

[Anonymous]

Your kids sound like great, well-adjusted, happy people. Why do you feel compelled to push them for "more"? Ask yourself honestly - is this need to compete for you or for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I exceed and still excel at a number of things and am willing to try hard. My husband excels at work and is an all or nothing kind of guy. I have 3 kids who dont naturally push themselves. They gravitate to safe and easy. Grades. As and Bs. Sports. Average. Art. Good ability dont want to try. Music. Dont want to practice. Friends. Never initiate. Participate when invited only. Talent > effort in all cases. I never see leadership or a im going to do or be <great at x, win x>. So there is no success stories. Just participation. Pretty complacent about win or lose. Anger when i suggest they do better. They compare yhemself to the worst kid in class, sport etc and use that to justify their medoicrity. We spend a lot of $ on activities (3 eakid)

Problem. Am i a bad parent if i let this continue leave them be. Or am i supposed to push them to some great level by being stricter? I feel like ive failed to give them a life skill. I see them having lifestyles way below their current one.

They have every opportunity but just dont take advantage to make most out of it.
Let them be?

I know some parents would continue to push.
Whats best for the low motivation child?
I ? If pushing would long term change them or just continue to stress me out.
Some tell me natural motivation is ab normal. But when i read bios of any great success they always credit self motivation.

Exactly! You can't 'push' self-motivation on anyone, no matter how hard you try. They either have it, or they don't. I guess you have to accept the fact there will be no bios written about your children, and that's perfectly 'normal'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I exceed and still excel at a number of things and am willing to try hard. My husband excels at work and is an all or nothing kind of guy. I have 3 kids who dont naturally push themselves. They gravitate to safe and easy. Grades. As and Bs. Sports. Average. Art. Good ability dont want to try. Music. Dont want to practice. Friends. Never initiate. Participate when invited only. Talent > effort in all cases. I never see leadership or a im going to do or be <great at x, win x>. So there is no success stories. Just participation. Pretty complacent about win or lose. Anger when i suggest they do better. They compare yhemself to the worst kid in class, sport etc and use that to justify their medoicrity. We spend a lot of $ on activities (3 eakid)

Problem. Am i a bad parent if i let this continue leave them be. Or am i supposed to push them to some great level by being stricter? I feel like ive failed to give them a life skill. I see them having lifestyles way below their current one.

They have every opportunity but just dont take advantage to make most out of it.
Let them be?

I know some parents would continue to push.
Whats best for the low motivation child?
I ? If pushing would long term change them or just continue to stress me out.
Some tell me natural motivation is ab normal. But when i read bios of any great success they always credit self motivation.

Exactly! You can't 'push' self-motivation on anyone, no matter how hard you try. They either have it, or they don't. I guess you have to accept the fact there will be no bios written about your children, and that's perfectly 'normal'.

Well no one ever called me normal or average so i think its more about me calibrating myself to being a parent to average. I was prepared to support someone who wanted to be great yet im at a loss when the kid is like "i'm good." good at what??? But I have come to terms its not about me. Im just worried that not pushing is lazy parenting. Im not competive vs others. I have a very high internal drive. I dont know how i got it. Its just there. But i see it in a lot of people who are in my circle so i somehow feel its normal. They somehow produced kids who are at the top of something. Or are trying to be. I always thought ppl not at top were bc of skill or $ or opportunity . I never knew ppl just didnt want to by choice ?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, OP. Having kids is not about YOU. It's about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I exceed and still excel at a number of things and am willing to try hard. My husband excels at work and is an all or nothing kind of guy. I have 3 kids who dont naturally push themselves. They gravitate to safe and easy. Grades. As and Bs. Sports. Average. Art. Good ability dont want to try. Music. Dont want to practice. Friends. Never initiate. Participate when invited only. Talent > effort in all cases. I never see leadership or a im going to do or be <great at x, win x>. So there is no success stories. Just participation. Pretty complacent about win or lose. Anger when i suggest they do better. They compare yhemself to the worst kid in class, sport etc and use that to justify their medoicrity. We spend a lot of $ on activities (3 eakid)

Problem. Am i a bad parent if i let this continue leave them be. Or am i supposed to push them to some great level by being stricter? I feel like ive failed to give them a life skill. I see them having lifestyles way below their current one.

They have every opportunity but just dont take advantage to make most out of it.
Let them be?

I know some parents would continue to push.
Whats best for the low motivation child?
I ? If pushing would long term change them or just continue to stress me out.
Some tell me natural motivation is ab normal. But when i read bios of any great success they always credit self motivation.

Exactly! You can't 'push' self-motivation on anyone, no matter how hard you try. They either have it, or they don't. I guess you have to accept the fact there will be no bios written about your children, and that's perfectly 'normal'.

Well no one ever called me normal or average so i think its more about me calibrating myself to being a parent to average. I was prepared to support someone who wanted to be great yet im at a loss when the kid is like "i'm good." good at what??? But I have come to terms its not about me. Im just worried that not pushing is lazy parenting. Im not competive vs others. I have a very high internal drive. I dont know how i got it. Its just there. But i see it in a lot of people who are in my circle so i somehow feel its normal. They somehow produced kids who are at the top of something. Or are trying to be. I always thought ppl not at top were bc of skill or $ or opportunity . I never knew ppl just didnt want to by choice ?

OP, if you have risen to adulthood and you seriously "never knew" that some people just don't want to be "at the top, by choice," then you are living in the smallest bubble I have ever heard of. You might start by broadening your own circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I exceed and still excel at a number of things and am willing to try hard. My husband excels at work and is an all or nothing kind of guy. I have 3 kids who dont naturally push themselves. They gravitate to safe and easy. Grades. As and Bs. Sports. Average. Art. Good ability dont want to try. Music. Dont want to practice. Friends. Never initiate. Participate when invited only. Talent > effort in all cases. I never see leadership or a im going to do or be <great at x, win x>. So there is no success stories. Just participation. Pretty complacent about win or lose. Anger when i suggest they do better. They compare yhemself to the worst kid in class, sport etc and use that to justify their medoicrity. We spend a lot of $ on activities (3 eakid)

Problem. Am i a bad parent if i let this continue leave them be. Or am i supposed to push them to some great level by being stricter? I feel like ive failed to give them a life skill. I see them having lifestyles way below their current one.

They have every opportunity but just dont take advantage to make most out of it.
Let them be?

I know some parents would continue to push.
Whats best for the low motivation child?
I ? If pushing would long term change them or just continue to stress me out.
Some tell me natural motivation is ab normal. But when i read bios of any great success they always credit self motivation.

Exactly! You can't 'push' self-motivation on anyone, no matter how hard you try. They either have it, or they don't. I guess you have to accept the fact there will be no bios written about your children, and that's perfectly 'normal'.

Well no one ever called me normal or average so i think its more about me calibrating myself to being a parent to average. I was prepared to support someone who wanted to be great yet im at a loss when the kid is like "i'm good." good at what??? But I have come to terms its not about me. Im just worried that not pushing is lazy parenting. Im not competive vs others. I have a very high internal drive. I dont know how i got it. Its just there. But i see it in a lot of people who are in my circle so i somehow feel its normal. They somehow produced kids who are at the top of something. Or are trying to be. I always thought ppl not at top were bc of skill or $ or opportunity . I never knew ppl just didnt want to by choice ?

I'm one of those people, so they definitely exist. Give up on your ego and focus on loving, supporting, and guiding the kids you have. Teach them to be good, moral people. Make sure they will know how to take care of themselves as adults. Figure out what their goals for their short, medium, and long-term future are, and guide them in making plans to achieve what they want. You're being a good parent as long as you do those things, because parenting is more about raising another individual than about making sure someone follows the same path that worked for you.

[Anonymous]

Well no one ever called me normal or average so i think its more about me calibrating myself to being a parent to average.

So what caused you to be above the normal or average? Was it your parents pushing you?

And what is the field in which you excel? Did your parents excel in the same field?

[Anonymous]

You get what you put in. Effort = outcome. I've seen that using the worst/dumbest kid to rationalize their mediocrity. Does Tom Brady compare himself to the Cleveland Browns? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids sound like great, well-adjusted, happy people. Why do you feel compelled to push them for "more"? Ask yourself honestly - is this need to compete for you or for them?

+1. This is just like the other thread where the OP was unhappy her kids weren't interested in competitive sports, or the other thread where the OP felt all kids should get As.

Unclench, people. Everyone in life is ultimately seeking happiness, and being "the best" isn't necessary nor sufficient for happiness.

[Anonymous]

Many kids have never had the experience of "earning" anything more than a grade, if that. I didn't experience it until college, when I finally learned how to write. It was enlightening and fulfilling but I wish my parents had pushed me to excel at something (not everything) when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure they are getting a clear picture of what being okay with mediocrity will get them. They may not understand the grit and hard work it took to get to your level of lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the OP on this one. As a teenager I was the same as her kids as she describes them. I have grown up very happy and have a wonderful family of my own now. And yet because I was never motivated I never learned how to discipline myself,or self motivate. One day I had a career opportunity that I was very interested in, but I knew it would be a lot of hard work. I wanted it very much, but I did not have the skills that I needed to make it work, and unfortunately I failed miserably. During the self-assessment that I did that afterwards, I realized that many of the skills that I needed to make it it work were things I should have picked up much earlier in life. I have moved on, and I am happy, but I don't want my children to be in the same boat as I was 15 years ago. I will do my best to make sure they know how to discipline themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I exceed and still excel at a number of things and am willing to try hard. My husband excels at work and is an all or nothing kind of guy. I have 3 kids who dont naturally push themselves. They gravitate to safe and easy. Grades. As and Bs. Sports. Average. Art. Good ability dont want to try. Music. Dont want to practice. Friends. Never initiate. Participate when invited only. Talent > effort in all cases. I never see leadership or a im going to do or be <great at x, win x>. So there is no success stories. Just participation. Pretty complacent about win or lose. Anger when i suggest they do better. They compare yhemself to the worst kid in class, sport etc and use that to justify their medoicrity. We spend a lot of $ on activities (3 eakid)

Problem. Am i a bad parent if i let this continue leave them be. Or am i supposed to push them to some great level by being stricter? I feel like ive failed to give them a life skill. I see them having lifestyles way below their current one.

They have every opportunity but just dont take advantage to make most out of it.
Let them be?

I know some parents would continue to push.
Whats best for the low motivation child?
I ? If pushing would long term change them or just continue to stress me out.
Some tell me natural motivation is ab normal. But when i read bios of any great success they always credit self motivation.

The one kid I know like this is completely over-scheduled and over-controlled by his mother. She lets him schedule an hour of downtime during the week, but then gets made if he doesn't use it for something productive like practicing piano. Boredom is a great motivator. Just putting it out there in case it's relevant....

[Anonymous]

The problem with American kids isn't over scheduling - no matter how many nyt and WaPo articles tell us otherwise. Kids need to be busy. Idle time is terrible for young kids. And for gods sake throw out the video game systems.