Homework and Seeking Your Teen

[Anonymous]

My 15 year old teen runs upstairs as soon as she gets home to do homework. I know she has a lot, but not THAT much. I'm sure she uses part of the time to mess around on her computer... She gets good grades (not all As but mix of A's and Bs) and i don't even mind her taking breaks and chatting with friends online or watching a video or whatever. But aside from dinner, we just NEVER see her.

I suggested she do her homework in the kitchen to keep us company while we prepare dinner and she looked at us like we were from Mars. We told her it was because we missed seeing her around, that it wasn't because we didn't trust her or whatever, but that we just miss her.

She rolled her eyes and was like, "um, NO.."

I know she wants her privacy and independence, but we really want to try to encourage more together time during the week. Does anyone have any suggestions that don't sound lame? I don't want to be a dictator and make her spend time just because WE miss HER. I'd love to hear some positive ways to try to encourage this.

She has a younger brother, 10, and we would like her to be around him some more, too. He also misses her.

Ideas?

[Anonymous]

Doing homework with you while you prepare dinner is about the most bizarre and unproductive idea I've ever heard.

I am on my second go round of 15 year olds. I get missing them and having to adjust to their need found desire to be away from you. It's normal. What I do is that I worked on developing interests with each of them. There is a particular show my oldest one loves so I can guarantee an hour together a few times a week. I watched a few series with my younger one - most recently we binged Stranger Things. We like to bike together and they will walk the dog with me. My younger one likes to cook. I took my older o e practice driving every single day. But be in the room with me just to be in the same room - never happening.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your teen a freshman this school year? New to high school? If so, have you talked with her about what her homework entails?

I do totally understand how you feel, OP. My own DD (sophomore) also vanishes and is vanished much of the weekend as well. I know she's working on schoolwork most of the time (someone likely will post along the lines of "ha, she's not working!" but I know what her homework load is like, and she has an extracurricular that takes a lot of time after school three days a week plus much of Saturday, so she has to spend much of the rest of her time on homework as she takes some pretty rigorous classes.).

We miss our DD during the week as well! I can picture exactly what you mean. But I hope you can see why it is probably impractical and inefficient for your DD to do homework while also "keeping you company" in the kitchen or another "public" space at home. The stuff teens are expected to do is tougher than we remember -- there are a lot of projects, and in my DD's program there are almost daily quizzes in one class, frequent projects in another, the math is not her strength so that requires a lot of focus, there's a lot of writing of essays and research papers, etc. It's a whole different world from middle school. I can't see my DD doing the writing she has to do, for instance, with the distraction of my being there making dinner or a sibling asking her "What are you doing?" etc. Chat with your DD -- at a time she's not doing homework -- and ask her about the day to day assignment load. I know -- it seems easy to have her just doing at least some homework in the kitchen or whatever, but maybe she feels that would be too busy for her to focus.

As for finding time with her, does she have activities to which you're driving her? I find that drives to and from DD's main extracurricular are a huge help in allowing me to check in with her and see how her day has gone. She's usually pretty chatty in the car. If you're not driving your DD places much during the week, can you make that happen more? On weekends, if she's not doing an extracurricular, can you and your spouse and other child create a family night on Fridays, maybe, where each week one kid picks the movie or a game to play? We sometimes just designate things like "This Friday we're going to watch X together and picnic in front of the movie" or "Sunday we'll make dinner together." It may take you a little more planning and scheduling of things that seem to you like they should be happening casually instead. But if your DD is doing well in school with the schedule she now sets for herself, I wouldn't advocate pressing her to work where the rest of the family is busy and talking.

[Anonymous]

My 15 yo DS (sophomore) is rarely to be seen. He comes out to practice his instrument (it doesn't fit in his room), feed the dog, take out the garbage and empty the dishwasher, but he is mostly in his room. He never seems to do homework either, but he has all As this quarter and I can't really hassle him about that. I don't tell him when and where to do his HW when he does have it. We usually try to get him to do one thing with us on the weekend (snowboarding, a movie, brunch) but I can understand his reluctance to hang out with two 45 year olds.

Older DC left for college in August so sometimes if feels like an empty nest.

[Anonymous]

I know your intentions are good, OP, and I know you just want to see your DD more often and spend more time with her, but do not force her to do her homework in an area where you're prepping dinner and there are other distractions. That time should be spent somewhere quiet and distraction free and it seems like her bedroom is the best place for that given her grades. What you need to do is actively make plans for family time - and let her know those plans in advance, so she can plan her work around that. Pick a Friday and have it be family movie night or pick another night of the week to do something and have her be a part of that, but let her do what she's doing as it seems to be working out well for her grades wise.

[Anonymous]

You're being selfish and trying to put your needs above your daughter's. Doing homework in a common area is the most ridiculous thing ever. You should be supporting her rather than trying to hinder her.

If you need to see her more, schedule mandatory family time (that doesn't interfere with homework). I wouldn't try to make it daily. I know for me, DH, and oldest DD, the more required family time we had, the more we resented it. My middle DD is pretty compliant so she probably wouldn't push back too much.

Basically, you need to adjust your expectations of what it means to have a teenager.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I understand people calling me selfish. In a sense I am, naturally. I love my DD and want to see her more. But so does her DH and even more importantly, her 10 year old brother. We aren't asking for her to spend the entire night! Just maybe the hour before dinner, or after, so we are all in the same space at least for a little while. I even suggested maybe she could take her breaks right before dinner and do other stuff...browsing on line or whatever, just so we are all breathing the same air.

My DS will say things like, "it's like she doesn't even live here." Its funny, he doesn't have any delusions or her wanting to play UNO or whatever...he just wants to see her and we TOTALLY know what he means. We all feel the same way.

I think the key to understanding my question is that we are asking for just a little bit each night. We weren't talking as soon as she comes home until she goes to bed in any way shape or form.

I honestly do see why people would call me selfish. But isn't there a more accurate word for wanting a little more time together as a family during the week instead of each person being isolated up in a box the entire night? Remember: I never was talking about the entire afternoon and evening.

Weekends are tough, too, because she has a part time tutoring job and of course wants to be with her friends, not her lame family. I get that. And we are proud that she wants to make a little extra money and be responsible and such. She's a great kid.

Any ideas? Oh, and yes, she is a sophomore!

[Anonymous]

No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

[Anonymous]

I was just saying yesterday to some friends that I never see my 15 DD (freshman). She comes down to eat with family--as quickly as she can-then back to her room. I don't think she is studying enough but her grades are fine. so I just leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when 15 year olds are in charge of the house. No computers, TVs or phones in room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when 15 year olds are in charge of the house. No computers, TVs or phones in room.

Or maybe this is just what happens when kids get to the age where they silmultaneousky have a lot of homework & crave a bit of alone time in the evenings. My siblings & all spent most of our high school evenings in our rooms. We didn't have tvs or computers in our rooms & this was before social media & smartphones. We were mostly doing homework with a bit of relaxing & listening to music & reading thrown in. Spenfing a lot of time in one's bedroom after a hectic day of school, sports & extracurriculars is perfectly normal & healthy teen behavior , imo.

[Anonymous]

Do you remember being 15? Kids that age don't want to be with their families. It's a natural age for seperation.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is not a baby. No one at all grown does any real work at a table in a noisy room. It isn't elementary school.

She should be doing her homework in her room or in some other quiet place. No multitasking with mom's need to chat.

15 year olds want a lot of privacy. That's the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

Yeah, but I assume you weren't making dinner and playing with a younger kid while he sat there?