Homework and Seeking Your Teen

[Anonymous]

Set aside some family time and enforce it. Then let her go her own way, but do check her browsing history every once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

Yeah, but I assume you weren't making dinner and playing with a younger kid while he sat there?

Yes I am working in the kitchen while he is sitting and doing his work. He usually wears his headphones, so he isn't distracted by the noise. He acknowledges that he has a hard resisting the urge to be distracted by the internet when working on his homework, which is why we moved him downstairs to do his work. He has have the laptop screen situated where we can see what he is doing. It really has made a difference in his focus and we have seen great improvement in his grades since we made the change. The only concern I have not is giving him back his autonomy and hoping he will continue with the new study habits.

[Anonymous]

I wish my son would go to his room to do homework. My freshman insists on working at the dining table and having me close by. Infuriating!
I barely remember seeing my brother (4 years older) once he entered high school. Made the times we were together memorable (family parties, trips). Can't even remember eating with him.
Change is hard.

[Anonymous]

People here don't know how, or don't choose to, say things with kindness. OP, you're not being selfish. You know she's not doing homework for 4-6 hours straight. That's the thing. You mentioned having her do homework downstairs for an hour and people latched onto that with horror. Maybe that's not feasible, but the point is you'd like her to spend some time downstairs and feel she should be able to carve out an hour of the whole afternoon/evening to do that, knowing she's not that busy.

My 16yo ds has the opposite problem. He's constantly taking breaks and comes down to play with his siblings, the dog, get a snack, tell me a story from the day. He does spend a lot more time in his room since being in high school, and yes, he has a lot of homework. But if you compressed it, it would be more like 2 hours a night, 3 max. He just drags it out, and your dd probably does, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

Yeah, but I assume you weren't making dinner and playing with a younger kid while he sat there?

Yes I am working in the kitchen while he is sitting and doing his work. He usually wears his headphones, so he isn't distracted by the noise. He acknowledges that he has a hard resisting the urge to be distracted by the internet when working on his homework, which is why we moved him downstairs to do his work. He has have the laptop screen situated where we can see what he is doing. It really has made a difference in his focus and we have seen great improvement in his grades since we made the change. The only concern I have not is giving him back his autonomy and hoping he will continue with the new study habits.

I'm glad to hear he is wearing headphones and you are not interacting. Since that concern is out of the way I can see why this would work. We make our son do his math homework at a table in a straight backed chair. He fought for a while but now has stopped fighting it. We do make sure that there's no activity in the room while he's working. We would let him use his own desk at this point if he would clean it, but since that is not happening, he's generally in teh dining room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when 15 year olds are in charge of the house. No computers, TVs or phones in room.

I'm not sure this is indicative of a 15 year old "in charge" of the house, but I agree that computers and TVs don't belong in bedrooms. For this reason we've resisted buying our kids laptops (and frankly it pisses me off that next year in high school my DC2 will be given a laptop. This wasn't school policy when DC1 was in high school).

We have a desktop in a common area of the house and that's where or DC1 (now in college) always did homework. My kids also have the worlds worst phones, old, slow, and small, with little memory, so they don't spend hours in their rooms on their phones either. (And at any rate, after 7 pm, phones in our house go in the kitchen for charging and aren't really used after that.) These aren't battles in our house because it's just always the way it's been.

It's easier (much) when you have these kinds of rules from the beginning. I don't know how you backtrack and tell DD that she can't use her laptop in her room now without a huge battle, but maybe think about limiting your DS going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.

PP who's kids also do homework in a common area. I agree with all of this. We had the same experience with our DC1, who took a total of 9 AP classes and got straight A's junior and senior year, yet never spent more than 2 hours a day on homework (and often less).

[Anonymous]

Another point is that some kids need no distractions while others can manage multiple ones. I have one of each! One begs tonhavr a computer in her room, the other knows its the kiss of death for him and he'll get distracted by the keys on the keyboard! We've decided to keep all electronics on the first floor, including our own, to help curtail useless screen time. I mean who wouldn't text a friend or watch a show on Netflix versus getting more work done AFTER leaving work? School is long and sometimes boring and being with family is just as important to a child as after school activities, to include homework. Try having computers on the first floor. Conversations and together time might flow more easily versus mandating forced family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

Ugh I hate this. I hate that our kids live this way because of homework. Family time is important and just hanging out time is important. The world shouldn't revolve around getting into a good college. I honestly think we've all gone insane and will regret what we've done to our kids down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

So, you think it may be an accurate assessment that a 10th grader has anywhere from 4-7 hours of homework every single night? My 10th grader probably has 2-2.5 hours generally, sometimes as much as 4. But, at times, he stays up in his room like OP's daughter from 3:30 til 10pm, barely coming out. If I ask him what's up that he has so much homework that night, he says he only had the normal amount, he just dragged it out by messing around. That is probably the case with most any teenager who holes up in their room all afternoon and night. That is what I think OP would like to discourage.

[Anonymous]

I agree all kids are different and have different work habits/needs. It sounds like the issue here is not homework so much as the large chunks of time DD is "disappearing" to her room. I suggest adding a few chores around dinner - setting the table, helping make dinner one or two nights a week that would have her be with you.

Interesting note, my DD who is a junior will also disappear to her room saying she has "homework", but admits to wasting a lot of time in her room and getting distracted by her phone, books she wants to read and/or her "bed"(napping). When she really has a deadline she'll bring her work downstairs and say she won't go back to her room until she finishes, because the kitchen/dining room is LESS distracting.... even thought the dog, her sister and I are usually there.

She did homework in a common room until HS, was only allowed to bring her laptop into her room the end of last year and still puts her phone outside her room every night by 10:00. Gradually more of the responsibility is on her to figure out how/where she can be most efficient. We have tried to instill good habits with the modeling of doing homework in a chair at a desk/table (not reclined in bed) and so forth. Seems like it has worked in a sense, when it's crunch time she comes back to it.

[Anonymous]

Have her make dinner with you one night a week. Give her some chores to do, then "help" her, like laundry. Have her walk the dog, then go along with her. I don't think she needs to do her homework in the kitchen but it's not ok to lock yourself in your room all day and night either.

[Anonymous]

Try having one night a week where you have an elongated family dinner w/ group preparation or a movie or board game afterwards. Probably works best on a weekend so she has time to get other (real) work done too. Try to do things she'd like (maybe let her and DS alternate picking the activity and/or meal?) or get take-out she'd want or something to make it fun/get her buy-in. It's hard to change the family dynamic/traditions at this age, but it sounds like that's what you want to do... It will only work if she doesn't resent it too much, so try to avoid forcing it on her.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't need absolutely privacy and silence to do homework. They don't have it at school, won't have it at college or at work. So much for that excuse.