Homework and Seeking Your Teen

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP's DD is an extreme introvert and after 7+ hours a day at school surrounded by people she's had about all she can take and just wants to be alone.

I spent very little time around my family during the school week as a teen, and that was one of the major reasons. If I'd been pressured, pushed, or flat out required to be in the main part of the house with everyone other than just at dinner, I feel like I might have gone slightly crazy. There definitely would have been more sibling fights and teen dramatics though; I knew I was about at my saturation point as far as dealing with the presence of other people politely without getting overly irritated about every little thing, so hiding in my room was better for everyone.

In my case there were other factors at work as well (bad family dynamics & I actively dislike(d) and was/am uncomfortable around my parents) but even as an adult I can't do most happy hours or schedule events with friends after a day at work, because my head will explode from the level of socialization required and I will end up being unpleasant company.

Could it be just a base personality conflict between how much socializing OP and OP's DD each find appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.

good parents.

[Anonymous]

op - let her masturbate in peace! jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

Huh? Physically see her? What is the point of that? Teenagers like to be alone. If her grades are good, let her be alone. That is what teens do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

OP, here. Yes, the latter, it was more together time. Thanks for understanding. And it was never all night, every night... just trying to break cycle of immediately running up to room, coming down to eat for 15 min, running up again... I understand needs for privacy and alone time, as previously stated. She never had a horrible reaction to the idea...no screaming or arguing, just the "you're lame" eye-roll and the, "um,no." She brushed it off, but wasn't repulsed by the idea.

Anyway I talked to her more about it and we discussed some of the suggestions here. Maybe we will be able to find some common ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I understand people calling me selfish. In a sense I am, naturally. I love my DD and want to see her more. But so does her DH and even more importantly, her 10 year old brother. We aren't asking for her to spend the entire night! Just maybe the hour before dinner, or after, so we are all in the same space at least for a little while. I even suggested maybe she could take her breaks right before dinner and do other stuff...browsing on line or whatever, just so we are all breathing the same air.

My DS will say things like, "it's like she doesn't even live here." Its funny, he doesn't have any delusions or her wanting to play UNO or whatever...he just wants to see her and we TOTALLY know what he means. We all feel the same way.

I think the key to understanding my question is that we are asking for just a little bit each night. We weren't talking as soon as she comes home until she goes to bed in any way shape or form.

I honestly do see why people would call me selfish. But isn't there a more accurate word for wanting a little more time together as a family during the week instead of each person being isolated up in a box the entire night? Remember: I never was talking about the entire afternoon and evening.

Weekends are tough, too, because she has a part time tutoring job and of course wants to be with her friends, not her lame family. I get that. And we are proud that she wants to make a little extra money and be responsible and such. She's a great kid.

Any ideas? Oh, and yes, she is a sophomore!


You are not selfish, some people like to use those type of words ! I truly understand what you mean. It's not too much to ask to spend little time with her family. Most teens spend 6-7 hours watching you tube videos and be on the phone. Maybe go to shopping, movie, or eat out with her and also ask anything you both can do together . You sound like a very good mom who just wants to spend time with her daughter I have a teenager and I struggle too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I understand people calling me selfish. In a sense I am, naturally. I love my DD and want to see her more. But so does her DH and even more importantly, her 10 year old brother. We aren't asking for her to spend the entire night! Just maybe the hour before dinner, or after, so we are all in the same space at least for a little while. I even suggested maybe she could take her breaks right before dinner and do other stuff...browsing on line or whatever, just so we are all breathing the same air.

My DS will say things like, "it's like she doesn't even live here." Its funny, he doesn't have any delusions or her wanting to play UNO or whatever...he just wants to see her and we TOTALLY know what he means. We all feel the same way.

I think the key to understanding my question is that we are asking for just a little bit each night. We weren't talking as soon as she comes home until she goes to bed in any way shape or form.

I honestly do see why people would call me selfish. But isn't there a more accurate word for wanting a little more time together as a family during the week instead of each person being isolated up in a box the entire night? Remember: I never was talking about the entire afternoon and evening.

Weekends are tough, too, because she has a part time tutoring job and of course wants to be with her friends, not her lame family. I get that. And we are proud that she wants to make a little extra money and be responsible and such. She's a great kid.

Any ideas? Oh, and yes, she is a sophomore!


You are not selfish, some people like to use those type of words ! I truly understand what you mean. It's not too much to ask to spend little time with her family. Most teens spend 6-7 hours watching you tube videos and be on the phone. Maybe go to shopping, movie, or eat out with her and also ask anything you both can do together . You sound like a very good mom who just wants to spend time with her daughter I have a teenager and I struggle too.

I agree, you are not selfish! I think that people forget that it was only one or two generations ago that families of 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 were living together quite happily in 1500-2000 square foot houses and not these huge places that we see all around us these days. And smaller houses meant a lot more togetherness. My grandfather was the oldest of 13 and they lived in a traditional 4 bedroom 4-square house out West. Talk about being close together!

I get the point from a PP about being an introvert because I am one, too, but needing to recharge doesn't require complete isolation. And, honestly, being part of a family means that each person has a responsibility to participate.

I like the PP's point about activities you can do together. I think it is wonderful, OP, that you are searching for ways to ensure that you stay connected with your daughter. This is a critical time for her and, while she may not be able to express it to you now, the things that you do together will mean everything to her! FWIW, I would actually tell her that people have called you selfish because I think she will find it very moving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

Huh? Physically see her? What is the point of that? Teenagers like to be alone. If her grades are good, let her be alone. That is what teens do.

Teenagers like to be alone, and families enjoy being together. Healthy families strive for a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

OP, here. Yes, the latter, it was more together time. Thanks for understanding. And it was never all night, every night... just trying to break cycle of immediately running up to room, coming down to eat for 15 min, running up again... I understand needs for privacy and alone time, as previously stated. She never had a horrible reaction to the idea...no screaming or arguing, just the "you're lame" eye-roll and the, "um,no." She brushed it off, but wasn't repulsed by the idea.

Anyway I talked to her more about it and we discussed some of the suggestions here. Maybe we will be able to find some common ground.

Good, I'm glad to hear your update! I understand because all moms want to spend time with their kids. I'm sure you'll find a compromise. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

True teens do like to be alone, but honestly, I don't think it is just that. Today teens have so much at their fingertips in their bedrooms. With phones and laptops they can stay holed up in their rooms forever and just emerge for meals. Trust me, I have been dealing with this with my DS. We don't allow any devices in his room during the week and or when homework is due. He has to do it in the main area where we can see what he is doing. He wastes more time when alone to be distracted. It is a major problem for many. What would normally take 2 hours is taking 5 hours.

[Anonymous]

My DD started doing a similar thing in middle school. I had the same feelings of missing her because she had always done homework in the kitchen. We talked about it, and now she does work in the kitchen more again. It's nice to have her in the kitchen because then we have little conversations in between the easier homework. She goes upstairs if she has to concentrate or it gets loud

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD started doing a similar thing in middle school. I had the same feelings of missing her because she had always done homework in the kitchen. We talked about it, and now she does work in the kitchen more again. It's nice to have her in the kitchen because then we have little conversations in between the easier homework. She goes upstairs if she has to concentrate or it gets loud

Love this!

[Anonymous]

Ask her to set the table and assist getting things plated 15 minutes before dinner, then she'll spend a little time with you pre-dinner, and then dinner time itself.

My 15 y.o. DD spends time in her room after dinner, but usually comes down and hangs with us in the family room for about 30 min before bed time.

[Anonymous]

Set aside 90 minutes an evening for family time, longer on weekends. Parents who let their kids disappear into their rooms or wings of the house often find out, to their sorrow, that their kids are engaged in activities they knew nothing about. No matter how she may resist you, it is your responsibility to be her parent.

[Anonymous]

I had to share a room growing up, so my sister and I had no desire to retire to the "privacy" of our room since there wasn't any privacy. That's where you've all gone wrong- too many creature comforts!