Irrational resentment over reactions to parent's death: help me get over it

[Anonymous]

My father died recently. He was old and his death came at the end of a long awful illness, so I understand that this isn't the greatest tragedy. But it's still incredibly sad, in part because it was a really bad end, all mixed up with the holidays, and in part because my mother died a few years ago and so now this huge part of my life is just gone.

Here's the problem: I'm angry about the way a couple of close friends and even my inlaws reacted to this. One good friend who's known my father her entire life called when she heard his death was imminent and started advocating for assisted suicide laws because "we put our beloved pets down." Another texted but then never said another word about it. My inlaws literally did nothing: no card, no flowers, nothing. Not even a Facebook comment. When I spoke with them by phone they said well, we all die eventually.

I'm really offended that such close friends/family treated this as a non-event. Part of it is that even though I'm at an age where this kind of thing should be expected, I don't know anyone else who's lost both parents - nearly all my friends have parents who are big parts of their support networks and are active w/their grandchildren etc. I realize I sound like a self-centered obnoxious jerk myself, but I'd love any advice on how to just get over this.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. Losing a parent is a huge deal regardless of age or heslth status. People often do not react the way that we hope that they would. Be kind to yourself. Peace.

[Anonymous]

People have horrible and ridiculous reactions to death. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. Losing a parent is a huge deal regardless of age or heslth status. People often do not react the way that we hope that they would. Be kind to yourself. Peace.

I agree. I lost my father when I was in my teens and my mom when I was in my 30s. I think I am in a small club of those who have lost both parents. My ILs didn't come to the funeral of my mom even though in their family everyone goes to everyone's funerals so I'd been to cousins' funerals and funerals of the spouse of my ILs siblings. People also said things like "I'm sure you weren't surprised", "she's in a better place", etc., all of which is crazy painful to hear because, no I was t expecting it. Thing is, no one is intentionally being mean. People just don't know what to do or say so they avoid or say stupid things and then often beat themselves up later because they later realize they should have done or said something different.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you can find peace soon.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss. Did your in laws come to the funeral? Your friend is insane, ditch that friend.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, I had a slightly different but at the same time similar experience. Time helps. My Dad died in May after a longish decline. He was receiving Hospice in our home. For the first six months, I concentrated on those people who were there. I met them for coffee or lunch. Only now am I re-establishing connections with those that weren't there and only on my terms. Some have redeemed themselves. Everyone reacts differently to death- the ones who have already had that experience tend to do better than those who have not. So, it is a pay it forward kind of thing. Be the friend you needed to your friends when they go through it.

(((((hugs)))))

[Anonymous]

I have no helpful advice, but I am so sorry for your loss - and I'm sorry that your loved ones are contributing to your pain. I'm sure it's unintentional; and still, it's awful.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your losses, OP. Part of your feeling towards friends and family has to do with what a big loss it is to be left without parents, and you spreading out and redirecting the pain. It really jumps out at us, when we lose both parents, that there aren't too many, if any people, who are now there for us.

If we have anyone, we can be grateful. In future, you'll recognize that it's just a human weakness a lot of people have regarding helping others deal with death. Try not to hold it against them, but just recognize they're not equipped to be helpful to you in this. Focus on taking care of yourself and processing your losses. Receive what people can give you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry op. My dad died 2 yrs ago, after a long, grueling terminal illness, while i was pregnant and I am still harboring a lot of anger towards others who werent supportive and towards him for what I went thru while having a baby and also being pregnant. Im working thru it in counseling. Its not easy. Death is really hard and we all cope differently and I learned that until ppl have truly been in your shoes when it comes to death, they cant really truly begin to understand what its like.. and thats prob why so many ppl end up coming off as unsupportive bc they just dont know what it feels like. Good luck to you and my best advice: get rid of the anger. Dont let it build up bc its a heavy weight to carry :/

[Anonymous]

As someone who lost both parents at a relatively young age (30s), I sooooo understand how you feel. My family (and some friends) behaved atrociously when I lost my father and then my mother. There were months when I was so angry at the selfishness and cruelty that I could not even speak to them. It still makes me utterly furious when I think of it. Some things just can't be undone. However, I try to keep it in context of the many wonderful and good times we've had. But it's almost more shocking when people who are normally nice behave really badly, isn't it?

In addition, I'm the first person in my friendship circle to have lost both parents, so even the well-meaning friends can't really understand how it feels and sometimes say really tone deaf things. It can feel like a knife in the gut.

All I can say is that we, as a society, don't deal very well with death or grief. Many people just don't have the emotional tools to deal with their own response, let alone anyone else'. It sucks to be on the receiving end of the ineptness, but try and put it in context of the whole relationship. Forgive as much as you can, if only because it will help you heal. Time will also help. and feel free to ghost anyone who just can't be a positive influence right now. Just put those people in a time out. Resume the relationship when you are stronger.

And I'm very, very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry, both for this momentous loss that you have suffered, and for the insensitivity of your ILs and friends.

First, remind yourself that people just don't know how to deal with death. It makes people uncomfortable. I know that is no excuse for their behavior, but it isn't unique to them, or to you; in that way, it isn't personal. Though I'm sure it feels very personal.

Next, tell them. Tell them directly that you need more support. Tell them you are having a hard time, and that you need others to acknowledge this loss and to show that they are there for you. I'm sure they will want to know that you are struggling and how they can help.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. You are insightful to realize that this is irrational - most people wouldn't see that so close to the passing. So good on you!

Please note that the woman who mentioned assisted suicide had a good point, that she could have worded better. For the ILs, they were rude - perhaps they are terrified of dying themselves.

It's going to be a long journey, OP, but I promise you'll feel better after a while. I wish you strength.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I agree with PPs. Death brings out the worst in some people. They don't know what to do or say, and think it's better to fill the silence with whatever pops into their heads. Their words and actions seem cruel, but they come from a place of ignorance rather than malice. I forgave the ones I could and moved on from the ones I couldn't when we lost a child. (PSA: dont tell a grieving mother that god must have needed another angel. It's in no way helpful.)

[Anonymous]

I try to give a bit of a break to anyone who hasn't walked that path yet, of losing either one or both parents--because unless they are just incredibly empathetic, most have no idea what it's like (and I was one of them before I lost my mother). When you've moved out of the house and maybe don't see them all that often, sometimes it's hard to process what it really means to lose them, and so they are probably seeing your situation more as the "I'm sure she's relieved that it's over."

In-laws are a different situation, of course, but for peers of yours, it's something you can certainly be sad about, but also consider that they are just "lucky" to not really understand what you are going through. And that probably eventually as they lose their parents some will apologize to you for not grasping what you are going through (which I tried to do with friends of mine who had lost a parent, though amongst my closest group, I was the first to lose one).

[Anonymous]

I'm really offended

This is why they avoid you or don't know what to say, or what they say is wrong. Op, you are requiring too much specialized attention.