Irrational resentment over reactions to parent's death: help me get over it

[Anonymous]

I think it's also perfectly okay to speak up. To the friend - Why would say something like that when I'm clearly hurting? To inlaws - I would have liked to have you with me for support during that time. To the we all die sometime comment - yes, but that doesnt make it any easier to the person dealing with the loss right now. I know he was older/ill but he was still my father.

People are not mind readers. It's okay to help them help you. Take time to process things yourself. Should the situation come up, speak up. "I'm sure you were at a loss for what to say but your comment about () was really painful to hear and I'm still having trouble putting it out of my mind"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's also perfectly okay to speak up. To the friend - Why would say something like that when I'm clearly hurting? To inlaws - I would have liked to have you with me for support during that time. To the we all die sometime comment - yes, but that doesnt make it any easier to the person dealing with the loss right now. I know he was older/ill but he was still my father.

People are not mind readers. It's okay to help them help you. Take time to process things yourself. Should the situation come up, speak up. "I'm sure you were at a loss for what to say but your comment about () was really painful to hear and I'm still having trouble putting it out of my mind"

And I'd caution against that. I tried it and people thought I was being ungrateful and stuck in the anger phase. It seems better to vent about it to people with shared experiences. When someone doesn't have enough common sense not to say, "you must feel relieved," or something similar to someone who just lost a loved one, they're probably not going to take criticism of their "kind words" very well.

[Anonymous]

Wow, op, I'm so sorry. I lost my mom in my teens, and my dad in my 40's. I'm grateful that my circle of friends were very supportive, and I'm so incredibly sorry that yours were not. That is awful.

There's something unique about reaching the position where both parents are gone, especially when it hasn't yet hit the rest of your social circle. It's a different place mentally. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this without a good support network. I wish I knew you IRL. Really big, big hugs to you from across the internet.

[Anonymous]

I became very resentful of relatives who didn't help with my other kids when my young son was in the hospital for an extended amount of time. I finally started therapy last year, two years after it all happened, and I find therapy immensely helpful. Just being able to sit down and spill it all out, and not have to listen to the other person talk about their issues (which would seem trivial in comparison). I only have to pay a $20 co-pay so it feels like a great bargain. I printed a list of therapists from my insurance web site and called to see who was taking patients.

[Anonymous]

That's messed up, OP. Your spouse should talk to your in-laws. S/he should do it on their own too without prodding from you. They may be dealing with pain from losing so many friends at their age, but still...

[Anonymous]

Did you have a funeral or memorial service? I found the ceremony very helpful for me to help me process my grief. I felt different once it was over.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I lost my dad two years ago. Friends came to the calling hours but barely mentioned it after the fact. I would get asked how my mom was doing but only once did someone ask me how I was doing. Ten months later, a friend ran into my mom on a date and she texted me to tell me and ask what my dad thought of it. I responded with, "my dad's dead." She wrote back and said she'd completely forgotten. She had been at the calling hours. People are terrible at dealing with death. I can't imagine the feeling when both parents are gone. Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

This will sound bad but I find comfort in planning on returning the favour to those who act that way. Because some people are human, and other people don't get it until it happens to them. By then I will have had years of dealing with loss and will be able to superficially mumble things like "better place" and "god only takes the angels" when they come to me for comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will sound bad but I find comfort in planning on returning the favour to those who act that way. Because some people are human, and other people don't get it until it happens to them. By then I will have had years of dealing with loss and will be able to superficially mumble things like "better place" and "god only takes the angels" when they come to me for comfort.

You're right that sounds bad! it's true that they may know better when it happens to them, but take comfort in them maybe realizing how inadequate their last responses were, not rubbing it in their face.

With friends like some of y'all, why bother? Just leave people alone if you hate them so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will sound bad but I find comfort in planning on returning the favour to those who act that way. Because some people are human, and other people don't get it until it happens to them. By then I will have had years of dealing with loss and will be able to superficially mumble things like "better place" and "god only takes the angels" when they come to me for comfort.

Try to let go of your anger for your own sake. It sucks up your life energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm really offended

This is why they avoid you or don't know what to say, or what they say is wrong. Op, you are requiring too much specialized attention.

You are heartless, PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have horrible and ridiculous reactions to death. I'm sorry.

This. OP, just let this go. Western culture's reaction to death is irrational and random. We are just not equipped to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. Losing a parent is a huge deal regardless of age or heslth status. People often do not react the way that we hope that they would. Be kind to yourself. Peace.

I agree. I lost my father when I was in my teens and my mom when I was in my 30s. I think I am in a small club of those who have lost both parents. My ILs didn't come to the funeral of my mom even though in their family everyone goes to everyone's funerals so I'd been to cousins' funerals and funerals of the spouse of my ILs siblings. People also said things like "I'm sure you weren't surprised", "she's in a better place", etc., all of which is crazy painful to hear because, no I was t expecting it. Thing is, no one is intentionally being mean. People just don't know what to do or say, so they avoid or say stupid things and then often beat themselves up later because they later realize they should have done or said something different.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you can find peace soon.

So very THIS.
I'm sorry for both of yor losses

[Anonymous]

Did your in-laws know your dad outside of events at your house? I would not expect my inlaws to attend my parents funeral, but I would expect them to watch the grandchildren and other type support tasks for me & my spouse. My mom watched my kids when my MIL husband died, and supported me in helping me let my DH do his only child duties for the months that followed. My unlce's first wife didn't come to his funeral, she watched her grandchildren, to support he/their son. Make sure you are letting your inlaws help in other ways outside of attending the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will sound bad but I find comfort in planning on returning the favour to those who act that way. Because some people are human, and other people don't get it until it happens to them. By then I will have had years of dealing with loss and will be able to superficially mumble things like "better place" and "god only takes the angels" when they come to me for comfort.

Try to let go of your anger for your own sake. It sucks up your life energy.

Agree re:anger in general, but I'm not angry, just not wasting time on it either. It's like an energy bank: if i can get away with only expending the energy on others that they expend on me, that's comforting. If I can phone it in too at some point, it will all turn out ok.