Parents overstaying visit and needing to be entertained

[Anonymous]

Just sent our immediate family a text about our son's baptism. We are Irish Catholic and baptisms are a big deal plus our families live out of town. For DS #1, his baptism was a holiday weekend and over 40 family members attended. We invited the godparents to stay at our home along with SIL who had a 2 year old and six week old. Both our parents have the means to stay at hotels and we got a group rate at a hotel in our neighborhood with walking distance of the church, the metro and our home. We also have family including siblings that live in DC, MD and VA with much bigger homes. Last time ILs stayed with my uncle in DC and my parents stayed with my sister in NoVA.

Just got a text at midnight from my mom asking "our preferences" regarding their flights. They plan on coming Thursday and staying through Tuesday. Want to know if they should book a noon or 7 pm Tursday flight. Also asking if they should stay at a hotel or our house.

I'm finding this a really long time to stay with us and a pattern. It seems like my mom and dad can't stay for 2-3 days, it has to be 5 or more. It would be fine with me if they were a little more self sufficient. My mom and dad won't drive our cars. They Uner or taxi ever where including a short walk to the church. They also expect to be entertained and waited on hand and foot. With a 3 year old and an infant, it's too much. I had DS #2 in December. My parents came for Christmas since I couldn't travel. They were weird about staying at my house ad systems saying they wanted night life with my nether who also lives out of town. Fine with me. They don't like my "rigid schedule" of nap time for the three year old or a bedtime. Want to feed him crap and sugar.

On Christmas Eve they didn't go to church with DS and DH. My sister and her husband did. My mom claimed my brother in his 30s wanted to go to a "beautiful cathedral" and not the children's service. Then they conveniently invited themselves over after mass when I had made a sit down dinner and stayed until midnight. The next day they were supposed to come at 9 and we held off on presents and they didn't come until noon. The Friday they got here they went to my sisters. My BIL was sick with the norovirus but my dad stayed with him at their house expecting to be entertained and taken to a bar to watch sports and a sit down lunch as he didn't want to go shopping with my mom and sister or come to our house to see his hands in he hadn't met. Then my dad acted legally le it was crazy when he too became sick Christmas Day. My mom
Also got sick. They were sick and I'm 2 weeks post partum with a viulnersble newborn and toddler. The entire time they are sick they are camped out in the basement rather than their guest room and the one bathroom. My dad also stayed up each night talking politics with my DH until 1 am drinking copious amounts of alcohol as he was "on vacation".

Sorry for the long explanation. I really don't want to be rude but if I'm hosting a lot of people and have a party I have to cook for I really don't want my high maintenance parents staying here. They refuse to drive and expect DH or I to cart them around DC and the suburbs. Won't use our cars or rent a car. Won't walk places out of sheer laziness. Take forever to get ready in the morning because they take 1-2 hours to groom and get dressed and will be in I'mpractical clothes like cashmere sweaters and fancy jewelry.

I planned on not hosting anyone at our home as overnight guests except DH's friend and my friend who are godparents and staying Fruday night through Sunday evening.we will host a pizza dinner on Saturday but frankly I'm exhausted and can't do sightseeing and entertainment give days in a row with two kids under three and work on Monday. Plus we are having a party at our house after the baptism and I need to cook and decorate. My mom and dad think they are guests and dint so much as out their dishes or cups in the dishwasher.

To make it worst, I go back to work from maternity leave Monday. My mom and dad aren't retired and taking off work Monday and Tuesday. How do I politely get the point along that give day stays are too long?

[Anonymous]

"Mom and Dad, you really need to help out more around the house because I'm frazzled right now. I won't be able to drive you around like I used to, and I'd rather you leave on Sunday or stay at an hotel because I'll be super stressed out from going back to work."

Stop changing your routine for your close family members. Warn them ahead of time that they will have to fend for themselves. They will not be entertained by you if you are busy with higher priorities. You will not make the kids wait to open their presents if they are 3 hours late on Christmas morning (you can keep a couple unopened).

[Anonymous]

If you tell them noon on Tuesday and that they can't stay at your house is it really so bad? They won't be in your house expecting to be waited on, you can delay your mornings as much as you want and shoo them away in the evenings when you are done. And if they are comfortable with Uber even better!
I can see why they want to maximize their time if they have to fly out here, especially with so many family members to visit. Maybe bring up the length of the visit before they start looking at flights for the next visit.
Also, can your sister in NoVa help deal with them since you have a newborn and the baptism to host?

[Anonymous]

You need to not be afraid to set boundaies. Tell your parents that it's all going to too much for you, and you need them to stay elsewhere for this event. Give them the phone number of the closest hotel. Let them use uber and taxis if that's what they want to do -- it sounds like you caved and offered to drive them. Don't. They'll manage.

Don't wait for them when they are late. Just keep to your plans and schedule. If they miss out and pout, maybe next time they'll plan better. If your father is going on and on too late for your DH, he should excuse himself and leave.

Unless your cooking for this is heating up party-sized trays of food from Costco, use a caterer, preferably one that delivers. I've learned the hard way that sometimes it's just not worth knocking yourself out to do everything.

[Anonymous]

^ boundaries

[Anonymous]

My parents usually statist hotels but then come to our house. The issue with them staying is they don't want to share the bathroom with people outside our immediate family. We have a four bedroom hide plus basement. If they stay here, they don't want DH's family to stay as they don't want to share the bathroom. Mind you these are people who grew up with one bathroom for ten people.

Regarding my sister's house she is more than wiling to host them but they don't want to stay at her home. My sister's house is amazing. She and her DH have two well behaved dogs and no kids. They have an inlaws suite and five bedrooms and four baths. My parents, who live in the suburbs of a large city, don't like to go to my sister's because she "lives in the middle of nowhere". My sister lives in a beautiful area but it's suburban and car dependent. They complain about my sister's house because my brother doesn't like the sunurbsLike I said my parents only want to Uber or take cabs. Last time though they didn't want to download the uber app on their phones; they wanted my brother, BIL, my DH, my sister and I to use our Uber apps and they'd reimburse us in cash.

My mom makes a big production on monetary transactions. I hate dealing with money with her. Mind you, money is not an issue. My parents live in an inexpensive city. Their house and cars are paid for and my dad is a managing partner at a large law firm and my mom is a head master at a private school.

[Anonymous]

And they normally don't stay at our house but s nearby hotel. But will be at our house all day and late at night. They maybe sleep three hours. My DH is from the South and feels like he has to wait on them hand and foot and stay up with my dad and make him cocktails and chat. We are exhausted.

My parents do help with our children but complain about everything. They are supportive about breastfeeding but think my one month old should not be fed in demand.they also think I should wear a breastfeeding cover in my own house even though I wear nursing tops and tanks with scarves that are modest.

They think we are too strict with DS who is three. I didn't have a bedtime and if family or company was visiting, we didn't take naps and rearranged our schedules. My toddler is a sweet boy but a nightmare without naps. He sucks his thumb and there is a lot of unsolicited advice about that and the fact he wears pull-ups at nap time and bed. They also think DS should eat more "American food" like chicken nuggets and pizza because DS prefers things like lox s d bagels with cream cheese, quinoa and lentils, and salads.

[Anonymous]

I usually make everything but plan on using a caterer to cut some of the stress.

[Anonymous]

In the family I was raised there weren't boundaries. Our big Irish family lived on our block. We went to the same schools. Everyone was at our house to all hours of the night and morning. No such thing as privacy and even adults respect elders

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound intelligent enough. Somehow they managed to have successful careers and raise wonderful, intelligent and successful children to adulthood, too.

State your limits, don't cave in, and let them figure out the rest.

Hotels work hard to please their guests and I'm sure the front desk can provide them with the name of a reliable cab company or uber, and will likely even place the call for them when they need it, and even schedule a return pick-up.

You sound like you can be your own worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

"Definitely a hotel this time, Mom. And remember I go back to work on Monday, so don't plan on seeing us after the pizza party (or whatever the last event is). I don't know what did or brother might have planned, but we need to regroup Sunday evening and won't be having anyone over for dinner."

Etc.

[Anonymous]

Set these boundaries now. It gets harder with every passing year.

Some of these behavior changes people are discussing are about aging. That is what the not sharing a bathroom thing is about. Since you aren't paying for the hotel, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Definitely a hotel this time, Mom. And remember I go back to work on Monday, so don't plan on seeing us after the pizza party (or whatever the last event is). I don't know what did or brother might have planned, but we need to regroup Sunday evening and won't be having anyone over for dinner."

Etc.

This is direct and to the point - keep your explanation simple and be ready to repeat it as needed. I have had parents pressure me and I found it easier to stick to what was best for my family by reminding myself I was standing up for my children. Yes, they need a bedtime and routine (a complaint I've heard too, OP) - and it's okay to say no to family when they want things that disrupt those needs. It's also okay to say no for yourself, though I know that can feel a lot harder to do.

[Anonymous]

All of you sound nuts.

[Anonymous]

They ASKED for your preferences.

Tell them.

Tell them you prefer that they stay for a shorter visit, and in a hotel or another relative's house for this visit, as you've got a lot on your plate.

That's this visit. For the next visit, when they ask what your plans/preferences are, again, TELL THEM. Tell them a shorter visit is preferable, and that you need help with X, Y and Z.