Explain to me the steps toward a divorce

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM, looking to go back to work next year, have been out of the workforce for about 5 years. Three kids ranging from age 1 to 6.5.

I like my house, my neighborhood, my town, my kids' schools. I really can't stand my DH though.

[Anonymous]

VA or MD?

[Anonymous]

Depends on your state. There's fault and no fault. Not really worth filing for fault anymore. Like adultery, abandonment, etc.

Some states require a mandatory separation period for a no fault. Different houses. Some let you stay in the same house.

There are three things to consider: 1) custody, 2) property distribution, and 3) alimony (not super common anymore).

[Anonymous]

OP - Maryland

[Anonymous]

Your first step is realizing without your DH you're probably not going to keep the house and neighborhood. Doubtful you can afford it after 6 years out of work and he has to pay child support and his household so he won't be able to afford to pay the mortgage for you. So step 1 is be realistic about what you're looking at which is a huge decrease in your standard of living. Smaller house/apartment, maybe the same school if you're lucky, working and doing daycare pickup and drop off and all that. It's important to really get your head around this because once you ask for the divorce this is your reality. You're not staying in that house.

I would guess your first step is get a job and get your finances in order. Come up with a realistic budget for what you can afford with your salary and the Maryland child support calculator. Start looking at apartments/town homes. Then bring it up to your DH and lay it all out there. Try to go no lawyer or mediation if you can to save money. Figure out which holiday you get and which he gets and how to alternate so you have a plan in place to discuss .

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling, even just for yourself? Divorce is very expensive and disruptive to your kids. Before taking such a big step, I'd want to be able to say to my kids that I really tried everything before putting them through this.

Sure you can't stand your husband today, but somehow he was good enough to have a baby with during the last year. The years when kids are under 5 were definitely the hardest. See if you can tap into what first attracted you to your husband. A good therapist can help with that and how to communicate better. It's worth a shot before upending your whole family.
Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first step is realizing without your DH you're probably not going to keep the house and neighborhood. Doubtful you can afford it after 6 years out of work and he has to pay child support and his household so he won't be able to afford to pay the mortgage for you. So step 1 is be realistic about what you're looking at which is a huge decrease in your standard of living. Smaller house/apartment, maybe the same school if you're lucky, working and doing daycare pickup and drop off and all that. It's important to really get your head around this because once you ask for the divorce this is your reality. You're not staying in that house.

I would guess your first step is get a job and get your finances in order. Come up with a realistic budget for what you can afford with your salary and the Maryland child support calculator. Start looking at apartments/town homes. Then bring it up to your DH and lay it all out there. Try to go no lawyer or mediation if you can to save money. Figure out which holiday you get and which he gets and how to alternate so you have a plan in place to discuss .

This is excellent advice. I know of a DW who was shocked to learn that if she left her husband, she wouldn't be able to force him to continue to pay for everything that he paid for as a married couple. She thought his paycheck would simply continue to be direct deposited into a joint checking account, where she held the actual checkbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling, even just for yourself? Divorce is very expensive and disruptive to your kids. Before taking such a big step, I'd want to be able to say to my kids that I really tried everything before putting them through this.

Sure you can't stand your husband today, but somehow he was good enough to have a baby with during the last year. The years when kids are under 5 were definitely the hardest. See if you can tap into what first attracted you to your husband. A good therapist can help with that and how to communicate better. It's worth a shot before upending your whole family.
Good luck to you.

I hate it when people say this. One of the biggest and most consistent pieces of advice on this forum is that you need to continue having sex with your husband even if you're not happy with him. I do think one should use birth control in that situation, but sometimes birth control fails. Or sometimes people get pregnant when they didn't even consent to the sex. So just the fact that someone has a baby does not mean that the man who fathered the baby was "good enough" to stay with.

I do agree that many people get divorced too readily and don't recognize how hard it is, but I don't know what OP's situation is. I've been in a terrible marriage for what feels like eternity because I am an obsessively practical person, and all I can think about is how hard it is and how the logistics are nearly insurmountable. I'm doubt that's the right answer either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling, even just for yourself? Divorce is very expensive and disruptive to your kids. Before taking such a big step, I'd want to be able to say to my kids that I really tried everything before putting them through this.

Sure you can't stand your husband today, but somehow he was good enough to have a baby with during the last year. The years when kids are under 5 were definitely the hardest. See if you can tap into what first attracted you to your husband. A good therapist can help with that and how to communicate better. It's worth a shot before upending your whole family.
Good luck to you.

I hate it when people say this. One of the biggest and most consistent pieces of advice on this forum is that you need to continue having sex with your husband even if you're not happy with him. I do think one should use birth control in that situation, but sometimes birth control fails. Or sometimes people get pregnant when they didn't even consent to the sex. So just the fact that someone has a baby does not mean that the man who fathered the baby was "good enough" to stay with.

I do agree that many people get divorced too readily and don't recogngize how hard it is, but I don't know what OP's situation is. I've been in a terrible marriage for what feels like eternity because I am an obsessively practical person, and all I can think about is how hard it is and how the logistics are nearly insurmountable. I'm doubt that's the right answer either.

I know this is a side convo started here, but au contraire I think having multiple kids breaks most men. They don't know what to do. They cry uncle and hide away at the office and only come out for play-time or vacation trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first step is realizing without your DH you're probably not going to keep the house and neighborhood. Doubtful you can afford it after 6 years out of work and he has to pay child support and his household so he won't be able to afford to pay the mortgage for you. So step 1 is be realistic about what you're looking at which is a huge decrease in your standard of living. Smaller house/apartment, maybe the same school if you're lucky, working and doing daycare pickup and drop off and all that. It's important to really get your head around this because once you ask for the divorce this is your reality. You're not staying in that house.

I would guess your first step is get a job and get your finances in order. Come up with a realistic budget for what you can afford with your salary and the Maryland child support calculator. Start looking at apartments/town homes. Then bring it up to your DH and lay it all out there. Try to go no lawyer or mediation if you can to save money. Figure out which holiday you get and which he gets and how to alternate so you have a plan in place to discuss .

This is excellent advice. I know of a DW who was shocked to learn that if she left her husband, she wouldn't be able to force him to continue to pay for everything that he paid for as a married couple. She thought his paycheck would simply continue to be direct deposited into a joint checking account, where she held the actual checkbook.

Some women (and men) are just born idiots. OP PPs here are good advice. That neighborhood and house you love so much, who's actually paying for it? Divorce that person and you are SOL.

[Anonymous]

A lot of women are simply just misinformed and unaware. Their husbands 160k salary can nicely float one household, not two. Or he only owes $x in child support when they thought it was going to be $yy.

As cynical as this sounds, think about it this way, OP: are things bad enough with your husband that you're willing to leave the house and neighborhood you admit you love and go back to work, losing your SAHM friends (throw your married friends in there too, most of them) and working for survival, not just fun money? Are things bad enough with him that you will be willing to miss Christmas morning with your kids? I don't advocate staying married just to maintain a lifestyle but you made it clear yours is important to you and divorce means that WILL go away.

[Anonymous]

The first step is to meet with a financial planner for a reality check.

The second step is to get a job that provides the income you need and the flexibility to take care of the kids on your custody days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of women are simply just misinformed and unaware. Their husbands 160k salary can nicely float one household, not two. Or he only owes $x in child support when they thought it was going to be $yy.

As cynical as this sounds, think about it this way, OP: are things bad enough with your husband that you're willing to leave the house and neighborhood you admit you love and go back to work, losing your SAHM friends (throw your married friends in there too, most of them) and working for survival, not just fun money? Are things bad enough with him that you will be willing to miss Christmas morning with your kids? I don't advocate staying married just to maintain a lifestyle but you made it clear yours is important to you and divorce means that WILL go away.

Yes, yes, yes. You'll miss kids sometimes. Friends don't know what to do or who to befriend, sometimes they just drop away so as to avoid picking sides. Or they pick HIM/HER. Ug. Family will stick by you, but are they even near? Working full time (which I do) sucks, but then if you have the WHOLE household to run, you've just halved your discretionary time, as well.

[Anonymous]

I think OP was asking about the legal procedure - that's advice I was hoping to see as well. MD as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP was asking about the legal procedure - that's advice I was hoping to see as well. MD as well.

Step one: find an attorney.