Being the Side Chick

[Anonymous]

I said I:
Don't do casual
Was looking for exclusive
Needed an emotional connection before becoming physical
Was monogamous

He said he felt the same and that I would have to take his word for exclusive; that if I didn't I might as well shoot him in the head because that is how seriously he takes his word

Two months in, it turns out I am the side chick to the out of town girlfriend.

What more could I have said or down to avoid this? Why do I so often read that if you just listen men will be upfront at the beginning and listen to you if you are, too? I don't see how this happened unless you subscribe to the men will do or say anything even from the beginning school of thought.

[Anonymous]

Well, first of all, his reaction "you might as well shoot me" was over-the-top and weird. This was red flag #1. Seriously, though, don't beat yourself up. You found out two months in - some people get fooled for years. Unless he came out and told you that you were the side chick, your intuition made you realize something was off. That speaks well of your cleverness and sound judgment.

All you can do now to avoid this in the future is to examine what happened and learn from it. Were there signs during the first few dates that, in hindsight, indicated dishonesty or showed the thoughts and words of a user? Was he maybe a little TOO smooth, too eager, too invested in telling you what he thought you wanted to hear? Did he say anything off-kilter in a conversation that touched on previous relationships? Also, if you tend to date cheaters and jerks, think about the type of man you fall for and look for patterns.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing at first and he lied.

Only way to fix it is show him the door and never speak to him again, and go on with your life.

[Anonymous]

And, I also think the excessive "shoot him in the head" was a clue. Overeager, exaggerating sounds more desperate than he should to please.

[Anonymous]

How did you find out you were the side chick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, I also think the excessive "shoot him in the head" was a clue. Overeager, exaggerating sounds more desperate than he should to please.

Agree with these two posters. Liars are likely to give more information than needed. And over promise. I would NEVER! I couldn't EVER! of course I'm monogamous, how could you even think I wouldn't be?

Simple, genuine language is better.

Sorry about the asshole.

[Anonymous]

Well, he gave you permission to shoot him. So, maybe do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said I:
Don't do casual
Was looking for exclusive
Needed an emotional connection before becoming physical
Was monogamous

He said he felt the same and that I would have to take his word for exclusive; that if I didn't I might as well shoot him in the head because that is how seriously he takes his word

Two months in, it turns out I am the side chick to the out of town girlfriend.

What more could I have said or down to avoid this? Why do I so often read that if you just listen men will be upfront at the beginning and listen to you if you are, too? I don't see how this happened unless you subscribe to the men will do or say anything even from the beginning school of thought.

Over dramatic ridiculous statements like this are a sign you are dealing with a dramatic, ridiculous guy. Normal people don't say things like that.

[Anonymous]

You dodged a bullet. You didn't get too deep before finding out.

You actually got out of a very painful situation before it got too painful.

But If I were you, I'd still get tested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing at first and he lied.

Only way to fix it is show him the door and never speak to him again, and go on with your life.

... and have a nice chat with the out-of-town GF

[Anonymous]

Unless you married him or had his child, you've come out of this relatively unscathed, OP. Analyze him and avoid his type from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, I also think the excessive "shoot him in the head" was a clue. Overeager, exaggerating sounds more desperate than he should to please.

Agree with these two posters. Liars are likely to give more information than needed. And over promise. I would NEVER! I couldn't EVER! of course I'm monogamous, how could you even think I wouldn't be?

Simple, genuine language is better.

Sorry about the asshole.

Agree with this. Generally honest people don't talk about "having to take someone at their word" and "he takes his word seriously." That sounds like how my 9 year old son parrots back my words after he's gotten in trouble. An honest person just "is" honest. They do what they say they will. They are where they say they are.

Some other signs are whether you meet good friends fairly quickly. 2 months is a little fast to meet family, but that would have been even better. Did you catch him because of the holidays?

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp's that his strange extra emphasis on being able to trust him is a red flag.

I'll add something else too: While not always feasible, the BEST way to protect against this kind of thing happening is to look to meet someone who also knows other people you know, whether it be a friend of a friend or even a work colleague.

This way, you can learn of someone's reputation and they are also less likely to date you at all if they have bad intent due to wanting to minimize drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing at first and he lied.

Only way to fix it is show him the door and never speak to him again, and go on with your life.

... and have a nice chat with the out-of-town GF

+100 I would bet money she didn't know about you and would be very appreciative of the information.

[Anonymous]

I've always been curious about the mentality of women who enjoy (tolerate? accept?) being the Side Chick.