how can you make it up to a betrayed hurt spouse?

[Anonymous]

Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

Not to completely invalidate your feelings here, but I also lost a child and that was, hands down, the most painful thing I've experienced. Way more painful than infidelity.

It hurts. Sometimes it can't be made up to the spouse. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt. There's no one size fits all answer. Time and transparency seem to be the most consistently helpful things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

I have not lost a child, knock wood. I had an emotional affair and caused the pain. So, I am not in your position. Are you talking still born or an actual child???

I highly recommend therapy. I'm sure you grieved for what you imagined your spouse was or could be. I'm sure you mourn the loss of the marriage you thought you had. But, I don't think it's mentally healthy to rank order these life events in this way. I'm not sure if you're able to minimize the death of the child or you've built up the pain of the affair to such high levels, but neither is good for you or your current/ex spouse. I try really, really hard not to judge and I think your heart was in the right place. I just think you could benefit a lot from counseling. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

Not to completely invalidate your feelings here, but I also lost a child and that was, hands down, the most painful thing I've experienced. Way more painful than infidelity.

It hurts. Sometimes it can't be made up to the spouse. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt. There's no one size fits all answer. Time and transparency seem to be the most consistently helpful things.

I'm the PP. I'm sorry for your loss and the infidelity as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

I have not lost a child, knock wood. I had an emotional affair and caused the pain. So, I am not in your position. Are you talking still born or an actual child???

I highly recommend therapy. I'm sure you grieved for what you imagined your spouse was or could be. I'm sure you mourn the loss of the marriage you thought you had. But, I don't think it's mentally healthy to rank order these life events in this way. I'm not sure if you're able to minimize the death of the child or you've built up the pain of the affair to such high levels, but neither is good for you or your current/ex spouse. I try really, really hard not to judge and I think your heart was in the right place. I just think you could benefit a lot from counseling. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your losses.

Holy shit. Still born babies are actual children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

I have not lost a child, knock wood. I had an emotional affair and caused the pain. So, I am not in your position. Are you talking still born or an actual child???

I highly recommend therapy. I'm sure you grieved for what you imagined your spouse was or could be. I'm sure you mourn the loss of the marriage you thought you had. But, I don't think it's mentally healthy to rank order these life events in this way. I'm not sure if you're able to minimize the death of the child or you've built up the pain of the affair to such high levels, but neither is good for you or your current/ex spouse. I try really, really hard not to judge and I think your heart was in the right place. I just think you could benefit a lot from counseling. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your losses.

I don't think it's that unusual to rank the events in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

Not to completely invalidate your feelings here, but I also lost a child and that was, hands down, the most painful thing I've experienced. Way more painful than infidelity.

It hurts. Sometimes it can't be made up to the spouse. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt. There's no one size fits all answer. Time and transparency seem to be the most consistently helpful things.

Maybe it is because our baby's death was not unexpected. A lot of complications in utero and a tough prognosis even at birth. So I had time to prepare and grieve. But the infidelity hit me like a lightning bolt from the sky and knocked my world upside down. It caused me to doubt everything in my life, everything I thought I knew about us. Our baby's death did not leave me feeling suicidal. Infidelity did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelities of all kinds seem present in a huge percentage of marriages. How do those hurt get what they need after?

As a betrayed spouse I needed empathy, time to heal and honesty. And some very hard, frank discussions.

It has been 2 years and I still hurt.

I had a baby that died, and the affair hurt worse. PLEASE let that sink in if you are involved or considering an affair. I really cannot imagine something more painful

I have not lost a child, knock wood. I had an emotional affair and caused the pain. So, I am not in your position. Are you talking still born or an actual child???

I highly recommend therapy. I'm sure you grieved for what you imagined your spouse was or could be. I'm sure you mourn the loss of the marriage you thought you had. But, I don't think it's mentally healthy to rank order these life events in this way. I'm not sure if you're able to minimize the death of the child or you've built up the pain of the affair to such high levels, but neither is good for you or your current/ex spouse. I try really, really hard not to judge and I think your heart was in the right place. I just think you could benefit a lot from counseling. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your losses.

As someone who has neither lost a baby (are stillborn babies "fake"?) or been cheated on, I don't think you are in a position to be lecturing the pp about healthy ways to deal with their grief.

[Anonymous]

Please don't derail the thread when it's really obvious what PP means.

There's no magic bullet for healing from infidelity. It is a long road of consistently reliable and open behavior that allows the trust to be rebuilt. I think people forget how long it takes to trust someone because in the beginning of the relationship, you have the distractions of hormones and the excitement of the new relationship. Having to rebuild after the warts have been exposed and libidos have cooled is even more challenging.

[Anonymous]

First: it's not your fault. The cheating spouse will often make things worse than what they seem to justify their actions. Don't fall for it.

Second: if you decide to go to marriage counseling, make sure they aren't trying to make it your fault. I have said this before, but stay away from a Dr. Hedlund.

Third: I know that this sounds really petty, but it's okay to be mean. Your spouse deserves to be treated like shit. Don't be the only one to be hurting through the process. Make it sting. No need to scream, but just keep them honest. When the hurt bubbles up, pass it along.

[Anonymous]

How can you begin to make amends?
Be an open book. Be transparent with where you're going, the emails/texts you're sending and all calls you're making.
Listen.
Don't be defensive.
Work really,really hard to truly understand the pain your partner is feeling. His/her world has been turned upside down. Dig deep and try to name what that must feel like so that he/she knows that you get it.
Be patient. Time plus good behavior is necessary to rebuild trust. Can't have one without the other.

[Anonymous]

Buy me a Range Rover so I can brag about it on DCUM. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy me a Range Rover so I can brag about it on DCUM. Duh.

love it!!

[Anonymous]

Have actual empathy and deep remorse, which serial cheaters never do.